The Benefits of Ice Cream
I hope you’ve had a wonderful week. I’ve been busy putting together the final touches for Live More Weigh Less: Early Enrollment and I can’t wait to tell you about all of the details and perks next week.
So as I mentioned on Friday, I was skiing with my family last weekend and as I’m sure you’ve experienced, when you’re with your family you tend to dive back into old habits, specifically for me it’s around my eating.
This used to piss me off, but now I see it as a beautiful opportunity to observe and learn from my eating habits.
Let me paint a picture for you: It’s saturday night, and we’re celebrating my brother’s birthday around the dining room table in our ski rental house. Cake gets cut and served and we’re passing around 2 pints of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, One Sweet Whirled and Super Fudge Chunk. Since One Sweet Whirled is far superior to Super Fudge Chunk, I was determined to get some.
So I’m watching the pint being passed around when I realized that I was going to be the last to get some. All of the sudden I was calculating how much would be left in the pint after it went through 6 other people. I felt my throat tighten and fists clench. It took everything in me to not scream, “Don’t eat it all!” like a greedy 7 year old.
I felt like ‘happiness’ was living in this tiny pint of ice cream, and if I didn’t get any, then there would be no happiness left for me. Bummertown. Luckily, when it finally got to me, there was plenty, but I still had this feeling like someone was going to come over and eat it off my plate.
Before I would have gone into major self-scolding mode, telling myself I’m a fat, weak, idiot who should never be allowed in the same room as ice cream again.
But on Saturday, a few bites into my ice cream I thought, “huh. very interesting. what’s going on here?” You see, what I’ve learned, and what I help my clients understand, is that we can learn so much about ourselves by observing our attitudes about food without judgement.
What I saw on Saturday, and what was a rampant pattern for years, was that I felt like there wasn’t going to be enough for me.
And here’s the important part to understand, usually, when you feel one way about food, you feel that way about everything. And it’s true that there’s a part of me that feels like I don’t have enough money, enough clothes, enough attention etc. But I hadn’t been paying much attention to that attitude recently, and saturday was an awesome reminder to revisit that thought pattern.
I have a client who is always very stressed about calories, not over eating, if she’s eating the right stuff etc. Her diet is constantly on her mind and she’s always panicked.
So I asked her, “How often do you feel in a panic in your daily life?”
“All the time.”
Bingo.
Here’s the thing, my client doesn’t have an eating problem, she has an anxiety problem.
I don’t have an eating problem, I have a problem with never feeling like I have enough.
And food, is just one way that this problem is being acted out.
So this is what I want to know about you: how do you feel around food? Needy, restrictive, like there’s never enough, like you’re never eating the right thing, confused, panicked, numb? I want you to take some time today to observe your attitudes about food without judgement, and see what comes up. And I’d love for you to tell us in the comments below.
And are you that way in other parts of your life? I would bet, yes.
What’s awesome about having a global attitude that affects all parts of your life, is that you can use other areas of your life to work on it. Areas that are much less complicated than dealing with our eating.
So I’m continuing to work on knowing that I have enough money, and that I am safe, provided for, abundant and there is infinite happiness to go around. My client is now working on reducing the anxiety in her life by taking time for herself to relax.
I want you to think about in what area of your life you can practice releasing this “issue”, because as you heal it in one area, you usually stop doing it with food. And do tell us what your ideas in the comments below because some people might be stumped, and it would be so awesome to hear your plan.
I can’t wait to chat with you about this in the comments below!
xo
Sarah
Oooh, I love this! I’m actually at my ideal-ish weight now and have been for some time, but there is a part of me that is afraid of reverting back to old habits. Of not being enough. So it’s like, even though I’m thin, I may not be thin enough or I might go back to how I was before. Even when I’ve eaten to the point of satisfaction, perhaps I’ve eaten too much. It’s like there’s a small voice inside of me that is waiting for me to fail, to tell me I’m not enough as I am. Or that I’m only pretending. And yes, now that I’m thinking about it, this mentality of not doing enough or being good enough spills over into my career, my relationships, my spirituality, all of it. Not sure of an exact diagnosis for that, but it’s interesting to think about!
Alexandra, what a great observation! There are two things I’m loving about this
- So many women think that once we’re thin, our issues go away. So not true! And I really appreciate you being honest about that.
- What I’m really hearing from you is that more than not feeling like you have a enough, I get a sense that you have a fear of failure, or self trust. Does that resonate? I want to encourage to choose one area (your career perhaps) and really zone in on knowing you’re not going to fail, and trusting yourself to do a good job. The best way to do this is to collect evidence from your past to back up the belief that you can trust yourself like: hasn’t been fired, co-workers like working with me, I show up on time every day, I was promoted etc. Now there may be one spot where you’re slacking (like getting in 15 min late everyday) which is clouding everything else, no prob! Just decided to clean it up.
Is this helpful?
Yes, that def resonates! Fear of failure and lack of self-trust are just like me. I love your advice, and I’m going to try it out and see what happens. Thank you, Sarah!
Youre so welcome!
I am a control freak! Totally a closet control freak. I pretend to be passive, cool, calm and collected- but on the inside I’m calculating each situation’s potential outcomes so that I can make sure I’m prepared. I do this with food. All my meals are perfectly calculated before I leave in the morning with snacks and options, even when I’m planning to step out of the office and grab food from a deli for lunch! Right now work feels awful and it’s because I do not have control over my circumstances. Anytime I feel out of control, I control my eating- has been a habit my whole life and caused countless eating disorders as a result. No fun. Now I work very hard to manage for the things that make me feel ‘organized’ rather than in control. My crutch is this organization so that I can be empowered to feel prepared in any situation! Thanks for this post! It’s a nice reminder when things go disarray with food it’s totally related to something else that I have in my power to change!
Mimi, thank you so much for being so vulnerable and sharing this! I know that so many women here can relate.
Here’s what I want to know: How does being in control make you feel? OR How do you want to feel?
AND Why do you think you’re feeling out of control now? What’s the underlying belief?
Sarah,
This is so true. What a great reminder!
Kristin
Hi Sarah,
I have been there with worrying there will not be any left for me. I had minor freakouts over the holidays when going to other people’s events and not having control over what I eat and/or how much I could eat. I find that in those cases I binge on what I like before hand so that I don’t have a lack when I get there. Does that make sense? The worst of it however is when I’m back in my own space and under my own control I try to make everything “perfect” such as trying to cleanse, or only eat raw food and then when I inevitable fail, I binge on things that are bad for me, which feels great at the moment since I have control again over what I eat, then I feel like crap afterwards…
I can totally relate to this! Here’s what I want you to work on: releasing perfection! I want you to start trying to be mediocre, to be human. No one should be cleansing and eating raw all the time. I know you will feel so much healthier if you eat what’s nutritious 80% of the time.
And where else are you focusing on perfection and can loosen up?
Hi Sarah,
I couldn’t have said it more perfectly. I’ve had that same panic moment when I ‘share’ a piece of cheesecake with my husband and almost start hyperventilating if he takes more than one bite. I really enjoyed your post!
Bonnie
Thanks Bonnie! So happy it resonated.
I think as I reflect back what I feel when I am eating is that this may be the last time I can do it. So I think that means that I think there is only one time to take my stab at something before it leaves forever. I also find a jealousy stream in me, something like “why can they have it and be so thin and I can’t have it but I still struggle.” I think the underlying belief that comes up here is that “Life is unfair” and that only “Some are the lucky ones.” I’m not sure what this means or how to tackle this, but your post helped me think out loud about how I feel/act when I am eating as well.
Aditi, amazing observation! I think the “life is unfair” is dead on, which is connected with this feeling of ‘scarcity’ – there’s only a finite amount of happiness, luck & food to go around.
I want you to know that there is an INFINITE amount of joy, money, beauty, food, love to go around. All you have to do in tap into. You are just as special and deserving as the next person.
The other thing I want you to know is that there is nothing wrong or broken about you. What is you were made exactly like this for a very good reason? What is there were no mistakes?
Sarah – thank you SO much for writing this! It is a life-altering connection to make, and I had never noticed it before. I could easily have been you sitting there waiting for the icecream to come my way. I like to be in control. I want what others have. I want to feel full and complete, but I’m never satisfied. These are definitely true of me with food and everything else in my life!
The other night I had a dream that my cup was overflowing and I was drinking from my saucer. You’d think this was a dream about how I have everything I could possibly need or want (which I do). However, it wasn’t enough. I was at a restaurant and I asked them to bring me another cup, which was also overflowing. Then I ordered a third. Then I thought I’d like to put a few in my purse to take home with me for later. I was aware that they would make a big mess in my purse, but I didn’t care. I just wanted MORE.
I think this represents how much stuff I accumulate. I am not overweight, but the weight of my belongings is heavy. I want to break free from this cycle… my need for control, my jealousy, my insatiability. Thank you for writing this post and bringing it to my awareness!
Henna,
I can totally relate to how you feel. It’s almost like accumulating ‘stuff’ just for the sake of it.
The other week I realized how much ‘stuff’ I actually had and I was appalled. I didn’t need at least half of it! So I got ruthless and had the biggest de-cluttering session of my life!
I felt soooo so good after that and coincidentally people started telling me that I’ve lost weight. Weird.
Henna, what an incredible dream! You are so insightful, this is gold.
I think you are dead on when you say you are trying to accumlate stuff to fill a void, but the void is not fillable with stuff, food etc.
So what created this void? What is it? What is it a lack of?
The next thing I want you to do is practice know you don’t need so much stuff by taking Elise’s advice (which was amazing) and de-clutter and donate a bunch of your stuff. You will feel so much lighter and you will show yourself that you are ok, and maybe even more fulfilled with less stuff.
What a great topic! Your post really got me thinking. Two thingscome to mind when I think about food. The first thing is guilt. I feel guilty for everything I put in my mouth. In my life I also feel a lot of guilt for decisions I’ve made as a mom and wife. The second thing that comes to mind it’s lack if control. And in my life for the past 4 years I haven’t felt in control of my home or living situation and it constantly freaks me out!
Gwen, such important stuff to address. Right on. I want you remember this:
You always make the best decision you can in each moment with the information you have.
That’s all you can do! Guilt is about unforgiving yourself for past actions, so I want you to assume that you did everything perfectly, and start looking forward. What can you do in the FUTURE to start living an amazing life? You have choice, you are strong and you are in charge. Go for it.
The other day my fiance brought home Milano Melts and when I went to work the next day, I kept thinking about how I was going to eat one when I got home. Well, when I got home, he had eaten them all, and I was mad and sad all at the same time. It was so ridiculous, and I had no idea why I felt so crappy about not getting a cookie! After I read this blog post, a light bulb went off! I now think my sadness was because I had the thought in my head that he didn’t care enough to think about me before he ate them all. I’m constantly worried about not being thought of by friends and loved ones, and him not thinking to save me a cookie really hit something in me. Thank you for the enlightenment!
Katie, I LOVE how you decoded this here. amazing. Have you ever taken the love language test? Do it here http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. I bet you feel love through acts of service. But the key is to remember that other people express love differently like in words or physical touch. I know your husband and your friends adore you, I bet they just express it differently than you do. My assignment for you is to look for the subtle ways they love you, instead of collecting the way they don’t.
Sarah, you just made the biggest light bulb go off in my head!
I am a feast or famine type. I will eat and cram it all in in case I “miss out” or I “don’t get what I want” or I’ll put off eating for hours until I’m actually starving (and extremely cranky) and then eat crazy bad food. But on top of that I also have this unwavering guilt and I almost feel like I have to sneak food.
I totally related to your story and Henna’s, like not feeling good enough for anything and needing to take what I can get and then I still feel empty afterwards anyway.
I thought about it in other areas of my life and I see the pattern. I’m like this with my finances, with my comparison problems, with my relationship(s) and with my emotions.
I see it, I just don’t know how I would even begin to tackle the problems..
Whoops, forgot to add in next to sneak food (or perhaps in place of) that sometimes I’m scared to eat.. is that normal?
Elise, everything you’re saying is completely normal that so many women experience. What I really want you to focus on here is how your feast or famine (usually comes from a need to be perfect) in other parts of your life.
Let’s just start with relationships. What would it look like to not worry about these relationships being perfect? What would it look like to have them exist more “middle of the road”?
Immediately when I read that I thought, well there wouldn’t be so much pressure to ‘get it right’ or ‘be perfect’ in my relationships anymore. I wouldn’t have to constantly examine my flaws and how I’m not being the best I can be for someone else..
It’s interesting though, there’s this underlying feeling of panic or “what am I gonna do if I can’t worry about this anymore!?!?” and “what if I leave them alone and it gets worse!?”
ARGH, I sound like a control freak!!
Lol, but thank you so much for replying Sarah. It’s given me a lot to think about. x
Hi Sarah- Thank you for such an insightful and inspiring blog post! As a person who suffers with anxiety and emotional eating, you really touched home. It is refreshing to hear real life accounts of similar issues and how they can be put into perspective and overcome. Both your emails and blog are very motivational! So many times people try to help you out with weight loss and push ideas and suggestions on you without understanding what it’s like to struggle with weight. Your experiences and insight are truly helpful. Thank you!
-Jessi
Jessi, that means so much to me, thank you! I really try hard to offer advice that actually works, instead of just making women feel weak and worse about themselves.
Keep coming back for more! xoxo
I am always frightened that I have too much ,that I eat too much,that I am too much.
Its as if I dont deserve to live at all,or I feel guilty when I do .I try make it up by being kind and helpful,but that doesnt help that much.I find myself making excuses and appologies to myself inside when I give myself what I need,I m always conflicted wether I really need things or I can do without.Mostly I think I can do without or that I can endure really bad situations.
This is brilliant. My mom is anorexic and bipolar, growing up food was a fraught topic. I was obese at one point and it took a few years to get a handle on food. Even after I initially lost weight I felt weird around food questions and resented the praise I was getting. More work done and now I am a health coach. I am not perfect in my eating all of the time but I am relaxed about that now. And I think itmakes me a better coach because I can relate.
Sarah,
This really hit home for me. I could almost see myself as that same 7 year old girl you described. From my family I learned to eat til my plate was clean. It had nothing to do with hunger or listening to what my body was asking for. I remember many occasions when I had to sit staring at my plate while everyone else had left the dinner table because I hadn’t finished yet.
Because my mom didn’t have much money when she was raising me, food was seen as precious and you darn well eat it all cause you didn’t know when you would get more. Of course, she did her best and I never starved or even once felt hungry, but it really did drill a certain mindset into me about food, and more and more, I’m realizing about other areas of my life.
The idea of having “just enough” and “better get it while you can, or any way you can” has colored my ways of eating, the jobs I’ve chosen, even the men I’ve dated. Finally, I am starting to stand up for what my whole being needs. It’s a daily choice I am making. My greatest learning has been to see every act as a choice to love myself. I am showing myself love when I stop when I am full, or when I choose to put myself out there for my new business. Each time I feel good, I know that I am chipping off more and more of that crap that doesn’t serve me and allowing my true self to shine through.
Thank you for your newsletters, Sarah. Your words always remind me of this choice.
Nikki
Thanks soo much for sharing this.
I never really thought about this. As I am reading this I started thinking about how I react towards food. I always look forward to eating but once I am done I am not satisfied… I always want more. I might feel sick and full but I don’t feel like I enjoyed it!!!!
That happens to me in other aspects of my life. Maybe I want to go on a trip and I dream about it soo much but once I get there still feel imcomplete … Wow you post has really opened my eyes.
Great post!!!
I love everyone’s insight. I have been sitting here trying to fully understand what it is that compels me to eat the way I do.
For one, I know I am full of anxiety – when I get a call for a new job (I freelance) I get excited and nervous and I run to the cupboard to sooth my anxiety with anything. And I mean run to the cupboard…..and I’ll eat anything. If I have deadlines to meet I find myself standing in the kitchen wondering what I can eat.
I have the constant feeling of not being good enough, not really being wanted, not really being heard….. so I eat.
I also grew up where I was rewarded with food. If I was good I was allowed a popcicle or candy. So when things are not feeling so great I eat those kinds of ffods because they have the association of being good or good enough.
I need to sit with all of this some more. I feel like I have blinders on and don’t fully understand my compulsive action to eat. What is the food fulfilling? Especially when I am unhappy at my weight and know the foods I am eating are not nurturing my body, and unltimately not my soul.