Are you his lover or his mom?

Blog · Your Relationships


I was chatting recently with Jonathan about a participant from Live Free Sonoma last year who couldn’t get her husband to lift a finger. I have to admit, I was feeling protective of my client and was ranting a bit about how lazy most men are when it comes to helping around the house.  With both partners working these days, it makes no sense to me why the woman is still required to do most of the housework.

Jonathan listened to me go on and on and then simply asked, “Is she being his Mom?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know, just telling him what to do all the time, doing things herself because she thinks she can do it better, no sex, no dates, no intimacy, no appreciation.”


“Well, if she’s going to act like his Mom, he’s going to let her be his Mom.  Dudes like having a Mom around, they cook, they clean, they run the show, it’s oddly comforting. All we have to do is sit around playing video games.”

Of course I asked the age old question and said, “well if he started to act like a man, she wouldn’t have to be his Mom.”

We all know it doesn’t work like that.

If your partner is slacking, chances are you are being more like his Mom than his lover and YOU need to make a shift.

Here are some scenarios:

1. Dude is on the couch watching TV with a pile of unfolded laundry next to him, which he seems to be blind to.

Mom response: (standing over them) Hello! That pile of laundry has been there for a day, do you think you could just help me out and fold it?  God. Said in the tone of “you’re such a lazy motherf**ker”.

Lover response: (Sitting down next to them) Hey honey, how’s the show? Would you mind folding the laundry while you’re watching? It would be a huge help to me. Thank you!  Said in the tone of “you’re the coolest guy in town.”

2. He’s out drinking with his buddies… again.

Mom response: Silent treatment, followed by I really wish you wouldn’t drink so much.  It’s so childish, when are you going to grow up?  

Lover response: Hey babe, how was last night?  You know, I’ve been upset recently that you’ve been going out so much and I’ve realized it’s because I’m just wanting to do more fun things with you.  Can we plan something great for us to do together next week?

3. He hasn’t planned a date in years.

Mom response: Not saying anything and getting upset at him about some other random thing.

Lover response: Plan a fabulous date yourself and then sweetly ask him to plan one for the next friday.

I know we want to kick and scream and tell them all the things they’re doing wrong… but that’s never going to change anything.  The truth is that when you stop being his mom, and start being his lover, you’re going to get the partner you’ve always wanted. Tweet it.

In the comments below, I’d love to know what scenarios you most commonly struggle with, and let us know your Mom response and your new Lover response.

Can’t wait to dive into this with you!



P.S. Nisha and I are going to spending a lot of time talking about how to find and create incredible relationships at LIVE FREE Sonoma this October, plus my husband Jonathan is going to be sitting on one of our panels to help us decipher some of our biggest relationship headaches from a man’s perspective. If this is something you’re struggling with, this retreat is not to be missed. You can get all the details here: LIVE FREE Retreat.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Sacred Start Practice

Feel like there’s no time for you?

Simple actions to take your life back, know your worth & feel alive no matter how drained, overwhelmed and far gone you feel.