11
Jun 2015

Ever feel like you’re “supposed to” have sex?

We spend a lot of time in Live More Weigh Less talking about physical intimacy.  Intimacy with our partners, intimacy with ourselves, the potential of intimacy and our fear of intimacy.

One pattern I see in my clients year after year, is a subconscious and sometimes conscious weight gain to protect themselves from being in the position of being desired.

Have you ever found yourself in the position of feeling obligated to be intimate with someone before you’re ready?  Because you feel like you’re supposed to, or you don’t want to be a ‘tease’?  Do you think, deep down, you could be holding onto extra weight to protect yourself?  Do you find yourself worrying that you aren’t intimate with your partner enough and are constantly forcing yourself even though you aren’t in the mood?

Last week on our Live More Weigh Less group coaching call “Ashley” came on and asked me a question that got me really fired up.  Ashley is divorced and hates dating.  She truly desires to find a partner but is uncomfortable dating for this specific reason…

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“Divorced men expect you to sleep with him on the second date. That’s just how it is.” She told me.

Ashley’s natural response to this expectation was to stop dating because she didn’t want to have sex on a timeline, let alone a second date!

I could go down the rabbit hole of whether or not this stereotypical male expectation of sex is true.  I do know that I hear a version of this from women all.the.time…. the pressure to sleep with someone, worried about being a tease, forcing themselves to sleep with their husbands even when they don’t want to etc. This is a widespread source of anxiety.  Here’s the truth: a man’s expectation becomes irrelevant when you set your own expectations and challenge the norm.  Being in a different space around sex and expectations will change everything for you, regardless of whether or not this stereotype of men expecting sex after certain behavior or a certain number of dates is true.

How sex is like a sandwich

Let’s look at it this way…

Imagine a friend of mine came over for lunch and I put out a spread of sandwich fixings.  There were different meats, spreads, vegetables and a few different kinds of freshly baked bread.  I took a lot of time to make myself an amazing, beautiful sandwich.

So we sit down and he says, “Wow, your sandwich looks delicious, can I have a bite?”

“Sure!” You say because you’re happy to give your friend a bite of your sandwich.  It makes you happy to share a little bit of your lunch.

Now imagine how you would feel if this happened….

After your friend takes a bite he says, “This sandwich is SO much better than I thought.  It’s incredible!  Like totally blowing my mind.  Can I eat the entire thing???”

First of all, NO! He cannot eat your sandwich, it’s YOUR sandwich.  You made an amazing sandwich so YOU could enjoy it. And second, wouldn’t you be completely confused and miffed that he would even ask?  Uh, yeah.

So why is it that it’s so obvious that someone asking to eat our entire sandwich is ridiculous, and it would be so easy for us to laugh and say no, and someone asking to sleep with us sends us into an emotional tailspin?  I mean, the fact that we feel more ownership over a sandwich than over our bodies and emotional intimacy is CRAZY!!!!

The fact that we feel more ownership over a sandwich than over our bodies and emotional intimacy is CRAZY!!!!

Furthermore, this illustrates another great point that wanting something and not being able to have it is just part of life.  The stereotype of men thinking that a woman is a “tease” when she get’s dressed up, is flirty and into herself means that she wants to or is obligated to share her body, and when she doesn’t she’s in the wrong (aka a “tease”) is like saying I shouldn’t make a great sandwich, decorate my house, or raise amazing children because that is the same thing as saying, “hey, take, my house, my sandwich and my children!”  I see things everyday that I want, that are gorgeous and tempting but I don’t think I can just have it.

Let me spell it out for you.  You NEVER have to do anything you don’t want to do, especially when it comes to sex.  You can show up on date after date looking hot and amazing and wearing whatever makes you feel ‘on fire’ and never feel obligated to take your clothes off.  Look hot and feel amazing for you and your enjoyment.  Give him or her a few “bites” if you want, but you don’t have to give him or her the whole thing until you desperately want to share your entire sandwich with them;).

What I see over and over with my clients is when we feel back in control of our sexuality, we no longer need to dim our sexiness by holding onto extra weight.  We can be out and about in the world shining brightly because we know that no one’s expectations have any bearing on our own choices or behavior.

In the comments below I would love to know, have you felt this way before?  What do you think about this mindset shift?  Do you have any other points of view or tips to add?

Also, have you talked with a girlfriend about this before?  This may be a great opportunity to get into some solutions.  Make sure to send her this post by using the buttons below if you think she’d be interested.

Can’t wait to talk about this in the comments!

xo,

Sarah

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  • Bonnie

    WOW! And again WOW! I thought it was only me!!

    I was married for 38 years ( of hell) to a guy who thought sex was only good when I was in pain. I am a romantic soul who craved someone to gently caress me and married a monster. I have now been divorced for 10 years ( am 68) and not dating at all. I did begin to put on weight during my marriage and YES! I hoped it would keep him away. And have continued to put on weight because I am terrified that if I ever tried another relationship that I would end up back where I was… I know there are good men out there- kind and considerate and loving- but I simply don’t have enough faith in myself to risk that i will find the right one… plus, who wants an old overweight dreamer?

    You have however, given me the push I needed to realize that I can actually go out in the world and be truly me and not have to get involved if that is what I choose. Time will tell how well I do that- but thanks for the push! And thank you for letting me know I am not alone.

    • Sarah

      Bonnie,

      You’re absolutely not alone. I’m glad you’re feeling inspired to be yourself. Awareness is a great starting point. And, you’re right – there are good men out there. It’s okay that it feels scary, but the risk might be worth it!

      Wishing you the best,
      Sarah

  • I’ve never thought about sex and intimacy this way! When you frame it like a sandwich, it makes me really sad that you’re exactly right – I’d be more comfortable saying no about a sandwich! Thank you for this!

    • Sarah

      You’re so welcome, Allegra. I’m glad it gave you something to think about.

  • Maria

    I want to approach this from a completely different angle. I carry extra weight to protect myself from being desired. This is going to sound really stupid, but many years ago I was in a comfortable marriage. It was neither exciting, nor awful. BUT I decided to get in shape and I lost a lot of weight and I looked amazing. That was when the trouble started. Men began to notice me and I realised that they made me feel more wanted than my husband did. Long story short, I had an affair with a man I had known long before I was married and had unresolved feelings for. Needless to say, my marriage ended. I have beaten myself up over this for years, even though my marriage was not making me or my exhusband happy. It was still an awful thing to do and not something I take lightly. I had never been unfaithful prior to that and I have never been unfaithful since. I met my current man and we have been together for 13 years. I have been overweight since we got serious and I think that it is because I have an irrational fear that because the honeymoon period is over, I will be tempted to do something stupid. Even though I KNOW I wouldn’t. I am desperately in love with my husband and he is always telling me how beautiful I am. I feel like I shortchange him by self sabotaging all the time. I keep telling myself that I would feel so much sexier around my gorgeous man if I could let go of the weight, yet I still hang on to these irrational fears and stay in this obese comfort zone. Why do I do this to myself?

    • Maria, this is such a beautiful share. I completely get it. I want you to know that it was not your sensuality that was the problem or dangerous, but your marriage. The key is to be as alive, sensual and sexy as possible and be deeply committed to our marriage satisfying OUR desires. This takes work, therapy, exploration and honesty, it doesn’t happen naturally. And it is WORTH IT! This is something Jonathan and I tend to all the time. I know you can have both the feeling of being desirable and being in a relationship that meets your needs. Read Intimate Communion by David Deida when you have a chance.

  • I JUST posted about this in the Live More Weigh Less Forum! So on point, Sarah! How I choose to express my sexuality including sex is about me- not men. I choose how I want my sex life to look like and be. I noticed that the more “fun” I want is pleasure-centered and growing and owning my sexuality is KEY to feeling in love with myself and my body.Lately, I’ve been experimenting with my figure-hugging-loving clothes and some of the men at my work seem like they don’t know what to do with themselves! When I lost weight before, I had a guy I thought was more a of platonic and clean relationship start seeming to be more sexually interested. It totally scared me and I gained weight again-and have been hiding since. I’ve had sexuality and intimacy issues, so sex and sexuality needs to feel safe and at home for me. Being 23, it feels like there is an expectation to “taste” all the men you can before you’re older (as if getting older = dead sex drive) and that this is the time to be free before some impending doom. I found for me, the best sex will be in a committed, monogamous relationship. But for now, massaging my body, naked dancing, wearing dresses and heels for me makes me so much sexier and better. Do you have any more tips for getting into sexuality and making it safe again daily?

    • Sarah

      Awo,
      Thanks for sharing these insights. You ladies are amazing! I think you answered your question – since sex is best for you when you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, begin to let go of some of those expectations and pressure to ‘get around while you can.’ I love your ideas for practices that help you come into your sexuality (Post this in the FB group!). Try turning the lights off and adding candles to the naked dancing and get a luxurious body wash to use in the shower… oh and hip circles! I also love how a boudoir shoot for yourself can make you feel. Let us know how these things go!

  • First time commenter, Sarah! I love this. It’s hilarious, and so true. And a little sad that SO many women feel this way! Our bodies are our space, and nothing is more sacred and worth honoring than that. Definitely going to share this analogy with girlfriends!

    • Sarah

      You’re so right, Rachel. I’m happy you liked the article – thank you for sharing it!

  • Cherie

    Here’s my thing: I would *totally* give dude my sandwich even if some of the ingredients had run out and I couldn’t make myself the same exact sandwich again. If I was feeling grumpy or that guy had asked for a lot before I might say no but then I’d feel guilty for having said no and bad for feeling so protective about a sandwich and not just being nice. I want all the people to be happy at all times!

    I remain a work in progress 🙂 Love this site and very glad to have found it.

    • Sarah

      Cherie, it sounds like your sandwich making-giving attitude might have a lot to say about the way you do other things in your life. We’re all a work in progress. Keep this article handy, and let me know one thing you are going to do for yourself, whether or not that inconveniences someone else.

  • Meghan

    Just wanted to comment that you’ve been on fire with your work lately- cranking out some really solid, substantial, soul- provoking work. Just wanted to send you a quick thank you for it all. Especially with a baby on the way- you are such an amazing woman!

    Your work is appreciated and you are loved deeply by all of us

    • Sarah

      Thank you so much, Meghan! That means a lot to me.

  • Yes, I have felt this before. I’ve felt the need to have sex with a guy to keep him around. My mindset has always been that if I’m not sleeping with him, he’ll find it elsewhere. And sometimes, I’m not always 100% at the place yet to sleep with him. I find that sometimes men place a bigger emphasis on sex and sometimes that can put me (or women in general, not that I’m speaking for everyone) in an uncomfortable situation. It’s not that I’d NEVER be at that place with him, but sometimes sex can confuse things and make you believe things are greater or more serious than they are. And for me, I’d like to keep that connection for someone that’s worth it. But, again, sometimes I feel a bit obligated just so I can get to date #3.

    I really loved this post because it tugs on the heart strings of a conversation us women have had so many times. To put it out here and discuss it shows all of us that we’re not alone at all. That’s what I love so much about LMWL and Sarah Jenks is because no conversation is off limits.

    Thank you for sharing this story and helping us all with this issue!

    xoxo,
    Laura

    • Sarah

      Laura, I’m so glad the article was helpful for you, and I appreciate you contributing to the conversation. You’re absolutely right in saying that no convo is off limits and that we’re all in this together. 🙂 Thank you for being here!

  • Melissa

    This blog came to me at the most perfect time!!!!!! I went out on a few really fun dates with a guy I met online, we text and share our humor. This week it seems like the bar has dropped! He made a date with me that quickly turned into a later date than I wanted. It was the “chill at my house and watch a movie”. My heart sank! He’s stopped wanting to date me and wants to get to the next level. I turned down the suggestion saying that it was too late at night. He did invite me to a business event, but said he’d be busy talking to other business associates. So to me that’s not a date. That’s half hearted effort to make me think he’s trying!

    It saddens me because I thought we were becoming “something” and at least working to get to know each other.

    • Sarah

      Melissa, it’s totally understandable to feel sad or disappointed. At the same time, it sounds like this guy is not worth your time! Try doing something for yourself that reminds you that your’e sexy, desirable, and worthy whether you’re dating someone at this time or not. xo

  • How bad is it that I would totally give up my sandwich!?
    “Sure – you can have this one – I’ll just make another for myself. I’m so glad you like it!”
    Ack! And to be honest – I have kind of the same attitude about sex with my husband –
    “Sure – I’m tired and feeling bloated – but I know you’ll be happier and it’ll make life for the next couple of days so much easier!”
    To be honest – I think I’ve kept a layer of chubb so that I won’t be attractive to men OTHER than my husband. I know he thinks I’m sexy regardless of weight – what terrifies me is attention from men who aren’t my husband.

    • Sarah Jenks

      Hi Rae,

      Why do you feel terrified about that? I’m not saying you should dress for them or look a certain way for them, but you should do what makes you feel beautiful and sexy, for you.

    • Sarah Jenks

      Hi Rae,

      Why do you feel terrified about that? I’m not saying you should dress for them or look a certain way for them, but you should do what makes you feel beautiful and sexy, for you.

  • Courtney

    Wow. Phew. Oh.My.goodness.

    This definitely made me cry. I love how understanding this is. I have spent a lot of my time avoiding intimacy by using weight to protect my heart. What I found is that my heart still can hurt regardless of my weight. It’s easier to blame my weight on the failing of the relationship than to admit that the relationship wasn’t healthy to begin with. I tend to confuse sex and intimacy. They aren’t always one in the same. Sex for me has yet to lead to intimacy so far and while I’m a romantic at heart sometimes it’s painful to keep confusing the two. Thank you for what you write. Thank you for verbalizing how feel more days than not. And thank you so much for validating and confirming that I am powerful, beautiful, and full of love to offer, when it’s right for me to do so.

    • Sarah

      Truer words have never been spoken. 🙂 I would pay attention to your comment “sex for me has yet to lead to intimacy.” Maybe try playing with the idea of intimacy eventually leading to sex.

      Courtney, you’re so welcome, and yes you ARE powerful, beautiful, and full of love that is yours to give on your own call. You’ve done some great reflecting here – trust yourself!

  • Charlotte Netherton-Sinclair

    Great post, thank you Sarah. This really resonated with me. Personally as I’ve grown in my personal power I’m less and less afraid to set my boundaries and be true to myself – and it pays dividends. Love what you’re teaching! Xx

    • Sarah

      Charlotte – amazing! Thank you for sharing. 🙂

  • Ok: what if the person you invite over who really likes your sandwich keeps touching it, licking on it, patting it, giving it googly eyes, etc. And when you say “hey, that’s my sandwich, if you don’t mind,” gets all huffy and then leaves (emotionally). …and let’s say this person is your husband.

    • jodie

      i so relate to this. i hate feeling pawed at.

    • Such a great question! Some women in relationships respond to physical attention, others see it as threatening. Think about what actually does turn you on, and tell your husband. Maybe it’s a long talk on the couch or a dinner out. He can show his attraction to you in other ways. Also, tell him how much you appreciate him wanting you! And think about what YOU want so you aren’t always on the defense. Get in the drivers seat :). Explain how you need to come to him and need some space so you can do so.

  • Fiona

    I love this post and it reminds me of this video below which compares consent to a cup of tea. I intend to show it to my children as and when they reach the right age. Both of these messages, along a similar line, hugely resonate with me, as does the fact that yes, I totally see that gaining weight can be a safety barrier sexually. Personally, I don’t want to appear ‘hot’ right now as I don’t want the sexual pressure that goes with that. Thinking about the woman who was dating and divorced men expecting sex on a second date, it occurred to me that perhaps that might be why they are divorced in the first place and second, she should make it clear to them even before the first date that she wants to take time to see if they would be compatiable before she thinks about sex and if that’s not cool with them she won’t waste her time on a first date.
    http://www.theloop.ca/this-woman-just-explained-consent-with-the-most-perfect-metaphor/

    • Sarah

      Hi Fiona,
      I love that video! So helpful and important but also really funny. Thanks for sharing it and your thoughts.

      I want to repeat this: “You can show up on date after date looking hot and amazing and wearing whatever makes you feel ‘on fire’ and never feel obligated to take your clothes off. Look hot and feel amazing for you and your enjoyment.” It’s not your job to make yourself small. If someone were to sexually pressure you, that would on THEM. NEVER because you looked smokin. Does that make sense? xo

  • Jamie

    I miss sex and I hate that I don’t get to use my body more but I’ve had so many partners treat my body like free sample time at Sam’s- plenty are taking a bite, nobody’s buying. I don’t get excited about it anymore.

    • Sarah Jenks

      Hi Jamie,

      I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to get really clear about what you want and commit to that.

  • YES YES YES YES YES.

    I’ve never really had a problem putting my own sense of comfort over someone else’s desires or expectations. I think that sometimes it has made people think that I’m a bitch, or cold, or unfriendly, or whatever. But I’ve just never been willing to do things I’m not comfortable doing, no matter what anyone thinks about it. It has caused trouble in my life, it regularly left me feeling really misunderstood and alone, and I think that a lot of my friends judged me for choices I made in my life that revolved ultimately around me putting myself first. I think that all speaks to the fact that it is essentially expected that we “do the normal thing” or play by some imaginary set of rules or live our lives according to a timeline that somebody else prescribes.

    I think that so many people just feel like certain things are expected and that’s the way it has to be. I can’t even count how many friends I’ve had through high school or college who felt pressured, either externally or internally, to share something they had that someone else wanted before they were ready. My own mom fell into a really awful, sticky relationship that started much the same way.

    I have always thought it was just absolute crap that so much of our narrative as women is determined by this power struggle, by this belief that what someone else thinks of us or wants from us is more important than what we want, or what are ready to give. That we live to avoid the labels or the judgments instead of living to please ourselves.

    I feel like you just validated fifteen years worth of choices for me. And I wish I could go back in time and share this with pretty much every girl I grew up with.

    Thank you so much for communicating this so effectively. I think this is soooo relatable and might help people really get it.

    • Sarah

      Allie, I’m so glad that the article is relatable, but mostly I’m proud of all of the times you’ve put yourself first and lived in accordance with your OWN standards, expectations and desires. Amazing. Thank you so much for sharing.

  • JAMIE

    The other night I was allowing a guy to touch below the waste and I ended up having… climax. I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I ‘had one’ and he didn’t. He began asking me to have sex and I wasn’t ready. I told him no and I never heard from him again. What are your thoughts ladies?

    • Sarah Jenks

      Hi Jamie, I think he’s not right for you. How are you feeling about it?

  • You are SO right on with this article!! My dad called me a tease on more than one occasion while growing up, since I didn’t actually have sex till 25. (So inappropriate, right?!) My worries about being a “tease” is how I ended up getting raped in my mid-30’s. 10 years later, I have a strong suspicion that my extra 45 pounds are a shield to stop me from getting hurt this way again. I know I need to get my weight under control again, but it’s frightening on various levels, from what it will entail with changing my lifestyle to feeling more “exposed” out in the world. Lots to think about, for sure. Thank you for this post. xo

    • Sarah

      Amy, I’m really glad you read the article. I am so sorry that both of these things happened to you, and I appreciate your openness. It absolutely makes sense that we use our weight as protection, and it’s so understandable to be afraid. Amazing things are waiting for you outside of your comfort zone, but this is no small potatoes, so I’d encourage you to enlist a professional or friend to give you all the support you need. xo

  • Ophelie

    Morning amazing Ladies 🙂
    I was sipping my coffee when I read this blog post and, honestly, I had to stop drinking. My throat is aching and some tears are rolling on my cheeks. I was able to put words on the reason why I’m still overweight… I don’t want to be desired. I have never felt like a “normal” french girl… skinny, obsessed by fashion, men and gossips… Most of my friends or family laugh when I say that.. They call me crazy because “everyone want to be desired”. It’s a vicious circle. I over react and over think … which leads me to more over reaction and more over thinking.
    I gracefully avoid dates for about 10 or 12 years now… and I’m convinced that I should end up my life alone. No one is crazy enough to deal with my demons.. I have to do it by myself.
    Take care.

    • Sarah

      Good morning, Ophelie, It’s not necessary to fit yourself into a (metaphorical) box or try to be like anyone but yourself, but you ARE desirable, and you deserve to be desired. I would encourage you to seriously challenge those thoughts of feeling that you *should* end up alone or that you’re “too much” for anyone. When did you first have a thought like this? Can you consider an alternative truth?

      Let me know what you come up with; I want you to stay in touch.
      Love, Sarah

      • Ophelie

        Hi Sarah,
        Thank you so much for taking your valuable time to answer each and every one of us. It’s a real dedication and it’s a blessing to be a part of your “followers/members/lifers” (well I hope you get my drift).
        If I remember well, my thought about ending up my life alone begun when I was 20 or maybe 18. To make a long story very very short, my dad has always refused to see me even the day I was born. I was not a boy… a huge shame apparently. Fast forward, I’am 18 or so, I want to finally meet him and the only sentence he told was: “I wish you never exist”.
        I’ve probably integrated the idea that I was not good enough to be loved by a man. I went from poor relationship to long years of being single.
        As time passing by, I’ve given up on my personal life to be able to help others.
        Take care.
        O.

        • Sarah

          O, You are so welcome. I’m glad you enjoy being part of this community!

          I am so sorry that you had that experience with your dad. That must have been an extremely difficult thing to hear and deal with. I don’t want you to give up on a romantic relationship OR on taking good care of yourself. Ask any friends or family in your life to describe what they know and love about you. I’d also like for you to name one small act of self care that you are going to do every day for one week.

  • Jennifer

    Holy crap. This explains why 30lbs ‘fell off’ after my husband and I broke up. Wow.
    Thank you for this.

  • Sarah-Jane

    Hi
    I’ve got into the habit of avoiding a lot of things by retreating from people and situations especially intimacy. It’s a hard habit to break

    • Sarah

      Hi Sarah-Jane, I agree, it can definitely be hard…but worth taking small steps toward. Did you have any helpful takeaways from the article?

  • Megan

    Sarah,

    Thank you for bringing this subject up. Without going into much detail I was “taken advantage” of by an older male when I was quite young…14. So flirtation from men has pretty much always put me on edge. I spent years afterwards pretty much hiding my body in clothes that were too big. But when I developed a thyroid disorder in my mid-twenties and started to get heavy hiding became even easier (33 now). I have come to terms with the fact that I will never feel comfortable when a male I do not know openly flirts or shows interest. Hence I often avoid bars and places where such behavior is more prevalent. But I also have learned how beautiful intimacy can be with the right guy. I also have learned that those who respect you will respect your wants, needs, and at times your need for distance.

    So thank you for bringing this up. I don’t think anyone ever wants to recognise how our states of emotional and physical well being can be so closely linked. Like many things in this world nothing is as simple as it appears.

    • Sarah Jenks

      Megan, thank YOU for commenting. You’re right, there is absolutely a connection between the mind and body, and it often goes unrecognized. I’m so glad you were able to determine these associations in your own life and move forward with that knowledge. I second your comment that intimacy can be beautiful, and I know that you will continue to set boundaries in this area of your life but still let the right people in. 🙂 I’m wishing you all the best! xo

  • wilandriB

    What a beautiful post! I’ve been single for almost 7 years and being in my 20’s this is not an usual occurrence hahaha. The thing is I had a long term boyfriend where the relationship was really good and eventually just moved to quickly to sex. I think it scared me! And resulted in me closing myself off from any potential guy, fearing the intimacy and expectations that comes along with a relationship. It also resulted in me thinking that a guy wants sex and if you don’t give it to him, you might as well just leave the whole thing! And in the end, I’m just really lonely. The times I have “jumped in” and had sex it left me feeling disgusting about myself, not because I think sex is bad, just because I want it to be with someone I feel comfortable around and not someone who asks you (more than once) half way through the “love making” process; “Why do you take so long?? None of my other girlfriends took this long…”

    I think the whole thing about holding on to weight is very true! Sometimes I wonder if I use it as protection from a relationship. Telling myself that guys want a hot body in bed so I might as well not try. I am so glad you are approaching this subject as it usually gets pushed under the carpet. Or worse we are confronted by the media showing us we need to sleep around and have fun while doing it. And of course it is always amazing!!

    This post made me realize that I don’t have to give myself away if I don’t want to. I am ridiculously protective when I eat something delicious. I get moody and really angry when someone just ask if they could have a taste! So why am I not that protective over my own body? Why am I not protective over what I want and need from a relationship? Why am I not protective over my ideals and values?

    Thank you Sarah for comparing sex to a sandwich! It just made a whole world open up for me! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Maybe the next time a lovely guy crosses my way, I will be open and ready to allow love back into my life!

    • Sarah Jenks

      You are so so welcome! I’m so glad that you were able to make these connections. You are a discerning woman, so I hope you choose to trust yourself in the future. 🙂 Excellent work, and I can’t wait to hear all about your new adventures!

  • This was much needed. As an asexual adult, I am constantly pressured about this. I don’t bother putting myself out there because I know every man wants the sex, and I’m going to be forcing it regardless of my feelings for him. The more pressure that is put on me from friends and family to settle down, the more I let myself go so I don’t feel like I’m worth their crazy. Or something like that. It’s a tough life when everything around you screams sex and it’s just not who you are. I’ve got faith that I’ll find someone someday…and after reading this, I think I know how to start looking. Thank you!!!

    • Sarah Jenks

      You are so welcome, Bre! I hope the article confirmed that it’s okay to do what works best for YOU and that you will find that person who can appreciate your worthiness. You deserve it. Keep us posted! xo

  • Sharon

    Oh my Gosh! I can’t believe I stumbled onto this article! YES! This is the whole reason I started putting on weight! I had a husband, three children, a full time job and a home to take care of. I fell into bed every night, completely exhausted. My husband wanted sex every night and a few times in between. We had so many fights (and late night discussions) about the fact that he was sexually bereft – I would have been as well off to go ahead and have sex and get some sleep! He didn’t see that I would have been less exhausted and more willing if he had helped me with housework, laundry, etc., but those were the days when the home and children were women’s work, full time job or not! So, to protect myself, I consciously resolved to get so fat that he wouldn’t want me! I gained a tremendous amount of weight and then he developed a medical condition that affected his ability to have sex. Now I am, ironically, carrying 140 pounds that I can’t get rid of and he is still disillusioning himself that we could have sex if we just gave it a chance. I know I brought this on myself, but I can’t convince myself that I don’t need or want that protection anymore.

    • Sarah Jenks

      Sharon, I think this realization is a great first step in a healing direction. Set aside some time and energy to sit with this, and trust that you’ll know what to do next. Trust your wisdom and that whatever needs to happen next isn’t going to be an overnight magic bullet. I’m holding space for you and sending lots of love.

Design: Jane Reaction. Development: Brandi Bernoskie.