Jan 2016

Want to lose weight more than anything?

Every time I get on the phone with some of my Live More Weigh Less women I have some version of this conversation…

“Sarah, I just can’t shake the feeling that I want to lose weight more.than.anything.”

I tell them I get it, I’ve been there.  And then I ask…

“Tell me what your life will look like when you lose weight?”

“Well, I’ll be more social and have an easier time making friends. I’ll be more relaxed, less uptight and fight with my husband less.  I’ll feel more sexual and be more adventurous.  Just you know, be more UP!”

So essentially these women want to feel confident, at ease, connected, sexual and energized more than anything.  All great things to want.  But here’s where my issue is…

Where did we learn we have to be a certain size to have those things?  And who told us that losing twenty pounds would magically change our entire personality?

We are so hardwired to believe that life will be better and easier when we are thin. 



I honestly have no idea, which is where you come in. Can you remember when you first learned that your personality would change if you could lose some weight?  Did someone tell you this?  Was it because women in magazines or in movies seemed so carefree?  Is this built in our DNA from birth?

What I do know is that this can be unlearned, and it isn’t until we can clearly see that our actions and desires are in control of our lives, not our body size, that we can finally create everything we want for our life and body.

So I want you to ask yourself, WHY do you want to lose weight?  What are all the changes you believe will happen when a new number on the scale shows up?  Write them down…

Now, this is super important, listen closely. Eating less cake and more broccoli is not going to make you more social or feel more in control of your life.  BUT being more social and creating more calm in your life from your heart and soul will result in eating less cake and more broccoli because we no longer need to rely on cake to be our friend, we have real friends now.

Maybe that’s it…. we see women in our lives who seems at home in the world and in their bodies and naturally eat healthy.  We assume that it’s her body that is causing her personality to be so open, calm and inspiring, but it’s actually the other way around – the way she is in the world is causing her body to be her ideal weight.  Live More, Weigh Less in the flesh.

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.  I’d love to talk about why we hold this belief and where you think you learned it.  I am determined to get to the bottom of this.



P.S. If you are committed to having all the things you think you need to be thin to have AND create your ideal body as a result, don’t forget that we’re running a special on Live More Weigh Less right now through January 18th.  You can click here to learn more about Live More Weigh Less and enroll.

We would love to hear from you, leave a comment.

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  • jill

    Wow this resonated so much with me. I am about 3 lbs from goal. Am I happier than when I was 20 lbs from goal? Happier? No. Maybe a bit more comfortable in my body and less embarrassed when my husband grabs for me. But I didn’t gain some newfound confidence or all of a sudden I’m this giddy school girl. Nope still same old shy awkward uncomfortable me. I feel I look a little better but I’m still the same me. With all my struggles and worries that I always had. And I too thought if only I lose the weight. …then I will be happy.wrong. So now begins the work inside to be a positive influence on my kids and I want to shine from the inside out. Not sure how to get there. ,but I’m going to start by being grateful for the here and now. One step at a time.

  • Melissa

    Here it is! The big revelation that we focus on our weight because we CAN’T find anything to wear and what we wear gives us confidence, comfort and a reason to celebrate. Seriously! The inconsistent sizing, stupid no-number sizing (choose apple, pear or banana…no thanks) and leggings–top three contributing factors, too. Third, most of us were a smaller size months or years ago. We remember how our clothes fit then and blame our bigger selves and bulges for having to toss our old favorite pair of 505 Jeans.
    From a blogger named Colleen: “Really good jeans are hard to find when you aren’t a size 10. There are plenty of jeans that fit, but don’t flatter. Or they flatter and don’t fit. Old Navy gives me “Spoon butt”. Levis ride too low on my waist like I’m a cowgirl with a shaky moral compass. Lane Bryant jeans are okay, but they can either be GREAT or terrible. Most of the time, they are terrible, and they are always changing their sizing: “Today you are a Yellow 2. Today you are a curvy wave. Today you are a red triangle, low rise, regular. Today you are an eggplant.”
    If a pair of paints give us muffin top or we spill out of a top; always fidget with a sleeve–we are constantly thinking about our weight.
    Sure, those who are not overweight can have the same struggles but to them it is “the brand” or “shrinkage from the wash,” bloating. For overweight men and women, it is beacuse we eat too much. It plays on the mind toooo much. It plays into makeup too (lipstick on a pig…ug….), and when you are frustrated getting ready to go out, giving up is a great option. Confidence suffers, social happiness suffers and more. It is hard to put this into words but these are my fragmented thoughts!

    • I hear you on the sizing Melissa. Sizes are arbitrary these days and our bodies are constantly changing from day to day. I actually own multiple sizes of jeans because my body is constantly changing and fluctuating between them. For me, I think it’s in finding a few things that you feel great in and mixing it up with accessories so you can wear it a few different ways. Check out this post for more on finding clothes that fit and outfits that leave you feeling amazing: https://sarahjenks.com/blog/waiting-to-buy-clothes/.

  • Jane

    This idea that if we could only lose weight our lives would be different…I like what you are doing by flipping this and saying, what if we make our lives different, and then we lose weight? You have the right (and sane) approach. However, I do think that women (and possibly men, I don’t know how much these thoughts apply to men as well but I would guess not nearly as much) aren’t WRONG when they think that their lives will change when they lose weight. That is maybe the most frustrating aspect of the whole thing, not just the ingrained, intractable reliance on this idea but also the suspicion that it is not entirely wrong. It’s just not the best way to get from point A (feeling stuck, powerless, etc.) to point B (feeling free, in control, limitless, etc.) But it’s maybe the only one we know, or the only quantifiable one, or just the way that worked before…I have struggled with my weight throughout my life, coming from a family of emotional eaters and compulsive dieters (a bad combo!) The only times in my life I have lost weight successfully were when I was distracted by something else (the word “consumed” comes to mind!) to the point where I got what I needed elsewhere and stopped looking for it in food. I never have been “successful” on a diet. I liked your recent post about how some people need diets to tell them how to eat healthily but some people can’t follow diets, so they are pointless for us. I realized that diets were pointless for me a while ago when I compared my need to eat certain foods (ice cream, pasta, etc.) to an addiction. I feel like, when I read a suggested menu on a diet that’s like “Breakfast: 2 eggs whites scrambled with a half cup cherry tomatoes” etc. I want to compare it to a book for people addicted to cocaine trying to stop being addicted to cocaine: “Wake up: don’t think about cocaine. Go to work: avoid doing cocaine with the coworkers you sometimes do it with. Lunchtime: don’t buy cocaine. Afternoon snack: don’t do a small line of cocaine in the bathroom:.” I mean, not to make light of addiction, but for someone who doesn’t have a problem with cocaine, those things are really easy to do. For someone who is addicted to cocaine, those things are impossible to do.

    I think people are really looking for change more than anything when they want to lose weight. I recently lost about 30 pounds after a severe injury. The energy my body needed to heal made it possible for me to drop a lot of weight quickly without really trying or thinking about it. I was amazed at people’s reactions to me – people were friendlier, more respectful, made job offers, asked me out on dates, etc. My life really did change. I wasn’t any happier, but I think people are fascinated by watching other people go through changes (just think about the attention celebrities receive for weight loss and gain) and I think it is really change we are craving. When we focus on weight loss we miss the point. Or rather, we miss what our spirits are asking us. And that is the tragic part! And I’m really glad you are doing your best to figure it out for us, Sarah! Because we will all be much happier when we are focusing on the changes we need to make on the inside.

  • Elizabeth Holmes

    I asked myself why I want to loose weight and what changes I believe will happen when a new number on the scale shows up. I recognize what I would have said if I was still living through my ego and believing such nonsense. I would have said, to feel beautiful, liked more, to wear anything and feel great. I’ve learned, I am so beautiful inside and out. People will take me how they will and I am free of what they think. It does not dictate who and what I am. I alone, decide who I am.
    It’s not so much about loosing weight but feeling healthy and fit. I want to make choices I am proud of. I will eat that cookie but also go for a run and enjoy an apple. Overall, it’s about right now. What I can do at this moment, the choices I make now will reflect the future I’m in.

  • Zoel Tibbetts

    I look hot. I know that. I’m small. But I gained 20 pounds and I still look skinny but it’s not me. It’s not my body. It’s not my weight. It’s not me. Plus I get what I want. I work hard. However even if I actually know the theory, the know how, the benefits and that is what I want the most I can’t do it. I can’t loose this fucking weight and be fit and workout hard again. And I hate myself for it. And feel like such looser. Oh and my husband lost interest in me. We used to be super kinky. All gone in 4 months. Very frustrating

    • Hi Zoel- I believe it’s super important to look at yourself where you are right now, today- and give yourself some love. When you close your eyes and ask yourself- how do I want to feel? Do I want to lose weight? what comes up for you? It’s super important to listen to our heart space and situition and lean closer to what brings us joy. If it is to feel vibrant- how can you do that- eating certain foods or moving your body in fun ways? If it is to feel sexy- maybe wear certain clothes or perfume. Take a listen and see what your body has to say.

Sarah Jenks

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