I’m going out on a limb here, so if sex, sexiness and femininity make you judgmental and preachy, then I would strongly urge you to stop reading.
Something that has been a strong recurring theme in my work is my clients’ desire to feel sexy. When they first come to me they believe that losing twenty pounds is the only way to uncover their sexiness and finally gain access to it.
But in the past, when they tried some crash diet, around the ten pound mark their sexiness peeked out of their soul without warning, like a bright light shining through a crack in the door in a dark room. And it was alarming!
Sometimes it comes out when you’re walking down the street and you get unwanted cat calls from men repaving a street, and you think… Sh*t, I shouldn’t have worn this.
Sometimes it comes out at a weekend getaway when you find yourself incredibly attracted and flirty with a man who is not your husband, and you think… Sh*t, what does this mean about my marriage?
Sometimes it comes out when you let someone buy you a drink at a bar and you’re touching their arm and making intimate eye contact, and you think… Sh*t, do I have to go home with them?
All of the sudden being sexy feels intrusive, slutty and dangerous.
So we throw on our armor in the form of twenty extra pounds and dim our beauty. And the cycle continues.
I believe that the most important thing a woman can do is intimately know, understand and own her sexy so you can finally see that you have nothing to be scared of, or embarrassed by.
So when you get cat calls on the street you think “thank you” not “f**k you!” (This one is controversial, we’re having a lively discussion in the comments down below. Check it out to see why I think this is important.)
When you are attracted to another person you take it as a fun opportunity to experience chemistry in a harmless conversation and know you don’t love your partner any less.
When you meet someone at a bar you know that you’re in the drivers seat and they are lucky to just be in the same room as you; you don’t owe them a thing.
You feel safe, feminine and in control.
This is exactly what I’m going to be talking about during the Online Conscious Sexuality and Relationship Conference May 12-16th. You’ll experience an approach that honors all of who we are as sexual and relational beings – body, mind, heart and soul. That’s why I’m so excited to be one of the featured experts in this unique online event. You can join us for FREE here.
You see, there are a lot of reasons why we don’t naturally know this “sexy” part of ourselves. Many of us have been raised to be embarrassed of our bodies, to cover them up, to see them too alluring or too fat. Men aren’t always raised to respect and revere the female body. And women are quick to judge a sexy woman as “slutty, dumb and easy”. Sheila Kelley, the founder of The S Factor, a pole dancing program for positive body image did an incredible TED Talk on this topic that you should watch now by clicking here.
So you have to go against the grain, step out of your comfort zone and get naked (physically and emotionally) in order to intimately know your sexy, love her, nurture her and see that this part of you is beautiful, powerful and in charge.
There are many ways to do this like going to pole dancing class, doing a strip tease in front of your mirror, drawing on your body, anointing your body with oils or trying on sexy lingerie. We’ll also be doing a secret exercise at LIVE FREE Sonoma, which I hope you’ll join us for; we’ve filled over 60 spaces already.
For me, the most powerful way to bring out and hang with my inner sexy is by doing a boudoir shoot.
I’ve done 3 shoots in the past two years. I love dressing up, getting my makeup done and feeling the edge of being completely vulnerable in front of the photographer. Every time, without fail, I feel ten pounds lighter and a million times more empowered.
When I first got pregnant, I did a shoot with Danielle Fletcher and it brought me to a whole new level of knowing my sexy. Danielle is masterful at reaching in and bringing out the most raw, primal sexiness from your depths in a slow, nurturing way.
I just love my makeup in this picture, the lipstick is so badass. As always, Melissa Hoffmann, the only woman I let touch my face, did an amazing job making me feel beautiful.
When I first posted these pictures, I was so nervous. Not because you can see my boobs or because my stomach is hanging out, but because I am so connected to that raw, sexy, feminine part of me that I feel naked and very vulnerable. But I am leaning into my edge to show you that there is nothing dangerous, slutty or bad about being sexy. Sexy is in all of us regardless of our age, size, background or relationship status and all we have to is take the time to get to know her.
And expressing and understanding the many layers, flavors and ranges of our sexy is what prevents our sexiness from sneaking up on us and make us feel confused, slutty and in danger. Intimately knowing our sexy is what keeps us safe, comfortable and in control.
I hope you’ll join us at the Conscious Sexuality and Relationship Conference hosted by Marc David and Emily Rosen so we can continue this conversation. The incredible community of teachers and wisdom-leaders are creating an exciting, honest, and powerful new conversation that allows us to discover our truest sexual and relationship potentials.
In the comments below, I want to know how you feel about sexiness in general? How do you feel about your inner sexy? And do you have any ideas with how we can get to know our sexy better?
I can’t wait to talk to you about this edgy and vulnerable topic.
P.S. Topics like this can bring up a lot in us – excitement, insecurity, regret, embarrassment… but I need you to know that you are so not alone in this. Nisha and I are going to be spending time with the women who attend Live Free doing deep work in this area to heal wounds and bring out the best in you. A lot of retreats focus on topics that are introductory and surface, but we’re going to be pulling out our most advanced and deep work for this incredible event. If you know you need to be there, here are all the details: LiveFreeRetreat.com.