07
Apr 2016

Worried you’re too fat for your partner? I get it. Here’s what to do.

Last week I asked you if you had any questions for me or topics you wanted me to talk about, and I received so many beautiful requests, thank you! I love knowing what you need, and I am here for you. I’m going to try to get through most of them over the next few months.  If you have something you want to learn more about, you can just reply to this email and let me know.

The question that hit me like a ton of bricks was, “how can I feel like I’m good enough for my partner despite my weight?”

I have worried about this since the moment I met Jonathan (and every guy before him) and this is something almost all of my clients struggle with in Live More Weigh Less, so we talk about it A LOT.

I am happy to report that after years of worrying I wasn’t good enough for Jonathan because of my weight, I no longer feel this way.  I have a deep knowing that he is the luckiest man on earth to be with me AND I am also not at my ideal weight right now.

I spent so long thinking I needed to look a certain way in order for our relationship to feel amazing, and now, here I am in a relationship that has never been better in a body that has never been worse, so I know without a doubt that the two are not related.  Let me walk you through a few truths on the matter…

  1. The reason we are programmed to think we are not worthy of our partners because of our weight is because we have attached so many character flaws to our physical state.  Subconsciously we believe that if we are overweight we are also lazy, unsexy, stressed out, grumpy, frumpy, masculine, volatile, flat, etc, etc.  Now, you may be that way, but that has nothing to do with your weight.  Those character traits come from not nurturing the parts of us we want to exude, usually because we are putting so much energy on trying to lose weight whilst ignoring becoming the person we long to become.  Take some time to identify what characteristics you are associating with being overweight and then get real with yourself.  Are you actually that way? If so, do you long to be different?  How can you put attention on those qualities directly instead of solely focusing on your weight?
  1. So here’s the deal, not only is it not true that you are unworthy because of your weight, but it’s also not true that you are unworthy because of how you are acting, what is true is that you feeling unworthy of your partner has nothing to do with them at all! You feeling unworthy of them just means that you don’t like yourself, or that you are not living up to your potential. It is so easy to project how we are feeling about ourselves onto our partners and blaming it on our weight but when we peel back the layers, it just means you aren’t completely in love with yourself.  Let me give you an example.  Since having Annabelle I have not felt sexy at all.  At first I went into this whole thing about how because I had gained weight since having Annabelle that Jonathan didn’t think I was sexy. Then I remembered that sexiness comes from within not from how I look so I judged myself for not cultivating my sexiness for my relationship.  AND THEN I asked myself if I longed to feel sexier for me.  Nope.  Here’s the reality, that part of me will come back, and I nurture it a little bit more every day, but I am letting myself sink into this postpartum phase and give it the space it deserves (a blog post for another time).  All of this is to say, when you follow the thread back to yourself, you may find you have total acceptance for that part of you, especially when you know there will be a time and place to cultivate it in the future.
  1. This is the most important one: you are not your body.  You have a body, you are not a body.  Your partner married a whole, dynamic, multilayered, complicated woman! Saying you are not worthy of your partner because of your weight is like saying you aren’t worthy of your partner because of your shoe size, your hair color or your ethnicity.  I can’t believe my husband married me, I have size 9 feet! Can you imagine? This is the thing I keep coming back to in my relationship right now.  I am still me, even if my tummy is stretched out and my cheeks are chubbier.  I am still fun, loving, interesting, smart, and I don’t let my weight dim those things (this is key).

It is a terrible feeling to believe we are not worthy of our partners and it is even harder to not truly love ourselves.  The best first step is to separate how we look from the way exist in the world and then we can do the work to accept the way we are and grow in certain areas if we choose to.  What I have seen with myself and the many of women I’ve worked with in Live More Weigh Less is that when we are taking care of the human/soul part of us, which will allow us to feel unconditional love in our relationship, it is so much easier to take care of our bodies and move towards feeling physically strong and energized, but then that’s just icing on the cake!

Being a woman isn’t always easy, and we need each other to move through some of these difficult topics.  If you know someone who is struggling with this or who may find this helpful, I hope you’ll send them this article.  Why stay on the surface when we can get deep and real with each other?

In the comments, I would love to know if you’ve experienced this feeling before?  Now that you have some insight, what you do you think it’s actually about?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Love,

Sarah

We would love to hear from you, leave a comment.

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  • I like what you are saying here. I think the conversation could also include how to communicate your concerns with your partner. Very often we project our feelings about ourselves onto our partners, believing we know how they must feel about our body changes. If we have the courage to share how we feel, we will likely find our concerns to be unfounded. However, I was married to a man that was very conscious about body image and let me know that my weight gain after pregnancy was not going to work for him. He did not want to be married to a fat person, his words. Luckily not every partner is going to feel that way. I have put that last relationship behind me, and am now married to a man that loves me for me at any size. We all deserve to be loved for the things that you mentioned about. However, we also have to be able to identify if the partner we are with is supportive, or hindering us with their negativity. Sometimes our partners are not worthy of us.

    • I agree Shannon. Thanks for sharing with us.

    • Natalie

      Wow! Thank’s for sharing Shannon, I’m in a situation I have never experienced before. My boyfriend recently told me he couldn’t be intimate with me because of my weight and that if i just lost 30 pounds he would find me sexually attractive again. I have never heard this from any previous boyfriend so I’m not sure how to feel about it. It’s painful for sure to think that it comes down to a whether or not my stomach is flat. Physical attraction is important but is he being shallow or is his point valid as men are supposedly “visual” ? At what point did you realize or decide that your ex husband was the one with the problem? I welcome any input.

    • Elizabeth

      I agree.

    • Steph

      Yes, some guys are assholes. My ex-husband told me my vagina didn’t feel as good as when I was thin (I had gained 30 lbs). Needless to say, we weren’t married long. Who says that kind of thing!

  • Nina

    Hi!

    I never had this problem with my ex-boyfriend. But now that I took a lot of weight, that I had losed when I was with my ex-boyfriend, it difficult to think about seduction when I don’t feel well in my body.

    • Hi Nina! I know you are diving in and working to take great care of yourself. As you do this work, your confidence will increase and you’ll start to feel so much sexier and alive than you have in a long time. Big hugs.

  • Jaime

    Love this! Perfect timing for conversations I have been having with a couple of my friends lately. Let me preface this by saying, I am almost 48 years old and my friends are 49 and 52. None of us are married and we all have very different bodies. I am tall and gain all of my weight in my tummy, waist and boobs but I have great legs! One friend is short and round in her tummy and waist and is beautiful and super photogenic and the other friend is tall and slender and gorgeous with no butt and wears a hairpiece after suffering from alopecia as a teen. We ALL have insecurities about parts of our bodies!! The other day, my “short, round” friend said she didn’t know if she was ready to date because her body isn’t good enough for sex. WHAT?!?!! I told her that the gentleman I’m with thinks my body is “hot” ( it really isn’t, but I love that he thinks so!), and that I think most good and decent men are just happy that a woman is willing to get naked in front of them! They are just happy to see boobs! Especially at our age. It really does come from within….and trust me, this took me almost 48 years to learn. I love how you talk about feeling unworthy because of a part of what makes us who we are…and a changeable part at that! All of the parts of us that really deeply matter are not going to change. I’m going to forward this to my friends and hope that it makes them stand a little taller, like it did for me!
    Thanks so much!!!

    • I love this so much Jaime. Thank you for sharing with your friends and for sharing your experience with us. xo

    • Dating again after 45, in any size body, is possible. The men ALSO often have weigh problems, confidence in their finances or career not going where they thought, sexual function not being what it was when they were 19, hair loss, etc…. If you are looking to find someone similar to yourself in various categories, that is quite possible. I was surprised how fun it was to date, and how several many men were pleased with a size 16. Some weren’t… so, their loss 🙂

  • Marsha Selwyn

    Dear Sarah, response to your Gmail, I don’t have a partner, but I have a beloved son who is ashamed of his mom’s weight, with comments like I can move near him if? I lost weight. I guess I do not want to live near him if that is how he feels feels about me. I have another son who also lives far away but has never said he was worried so my weight! As you know ,I live in a nursing home and to feel good about myself I am taking good care of myself with nail products, new hair style, and cue plus size clothes. I am happy were I am and with who I am ,weight and all! I went on chocolate binge when I landed in nursing home,I was depressed and put on 60lbs.I can’t walk so I try not to eat sugar! For me it’s addictive! Stay strong one and all marsha

    • Marsha, I’m so glad you’re taking care of yourself. Thanks so much for sharing with our community too. I know it isn’t easy, but continue to think about other things you can do as well to help take care of yourself physically too. xo

  • Christy

    Beautiful post.

  • Valerie

    Hi…good read. I am not married (yet) but I know I exclude certain men as “candidates “because of the voice on my head that says…he wouldn’t want someone that big…and yet I KNOW I am so much more than the size of my thighs…so this is my struggle. I totally relate. I am active in self love and know this is what is key…THE key actually. Blessings everyone.

    • Hi Valerie. Self love is absolutely the key. Now, let’s get that voice in your head to quiet down because you are an amazing woman and deserving of a partner that loves you despite your appearance.

  • Deborah

    I am in my sixties and I have smallish breasts, whichbothered me for years, wondering if anyone could like me in spite of that.. Added to that, I am now well above an ideal weight for my body. But I know this for sure…when I am aware of my assets which includes my breasts, and when I exude confidence,and when I dress with pride in myself, then I attract attention from men, even those more than 30 years younger than me. It’s all in the attitude, you are so right, Sarah. Holding my head high, thank you!

  • nicole

    Wow. Thank you. I so needed to read this post. So many things rang true for me, things I didn’t even realize I was thinking or feeling. I have a lot of processing to do!

    • Hi Nicole!

      I’m so glad this resonated with you and came and just the right time for you. Keep us posted on how you’re feeling after some processing and don’t hesitate to reach out for support.

  • Katie

    Thank you Sarah. So much to think about and process, and this is a fabulous start!! It’s a really tough topic and I really appreciate all you had to say. I’m so glad you’ve worked through this stuff for yourself and for all of us to follow your example. Much love?.

    • Thank you Katie. That means so much to me. I find it’s so much easier for us to do the work when we know that we aren’t alone. xo

  • Kirsty

    I’m not underweight but I still feel the same body issues. I feel I’m too skinny and try and hide my body from my boyfriend. We women need to realise we are amazing and beautiful no matter what ??

    • This is so true Kirsty. I’ve worked with so many women who have also felt this way being underweight and I think so many of us, no matter our size have to do the same work to feel great in our bodies. Big hugs!

  • Lyndsey

    Thank you Sarah! I am 7 months pregnant and have totally lost my mojo (like 5 months ago) Having this new body has been amazing and I love every moment of pregnancy. However, navigating and feeling like myself in this ever growing body isn’t always easy. This hit home so perfectly. Thank you.

    • Michelle Harvey

      if a guy rejects me but we have great chemistry after dating a few times I always attribute it to them not getting over my weight, or being shallow. But truthfully it is me who can not accept I am attractive or can be loved because I am so grossly uncomfortable at this size. So if I can’t love myself and see past my size how can I expect them to. Great article. X

    • Hi Lyndsey, congratulations on your pregnancy. When you’re feeling down about your changing body, just remember, you are growing a human which is a pretty tough and amazing job! xo

  • Mykella

    Thank you for this. It never occurred to me I wasn’t the only one feeling this way. The last time I didnt feel this way was high school. Scary. I have fought my weight since university. It makes me sad. Now I am not dating anyone per se. I have a best friend. We’ve both dated others but last few months we spend all our time together, practically live together. Everything but the sex. And I wonder if I’m the obstacle. Well my fear is. We’ve talked about it and agree it wouldnt work cause he’s not great at relationships and doesnt want to hurt me and I’m afraid I’ll get too jealous and clingy after sex and mostly I’m afraid he’ll leave me. He has a beautiful body and is younger. So we just stay away from the sexual. Of course everyone outside us think we’re together or are totally confused. The other day he said I could think of him as my boyfriend and I brushed it off as a joke but I feel like my insecurities make me dismiss things that are important to him cause I just dont think I’m good enough to be more than just his friend. And the men in my two long term relationships cheated and were very into the sexiness of women and ome ex just ogled women in front of me. So my jealously can get intense. So being left before reinforces I was not enough and definitely couldnt keep the interest of a younger very beautiful looking guy. This is making very sad. Thanks for listening.

  • Thank you for this post! I literally typed into Google this morning: “worried about what my husband thinks of my body.” My husband is 4 inches shorter than me and has little to no body fat. He has always taken care of himself by eating right and exercising or surfing. He doesn’t make comments to me outright, but has asked if I wanted him to pay for a gym membership of that will help me workout to feel good about myself. I’ve been doing Crossfit for a year now, stronger, but still “bigger than my husband.” It’s my own insecurity, I know, but I feel like I need him to know that my body is different from his and even if I don’t lose certain pockets of fat, please don’t look at me like I’m lazy. I’m more worried about what he thinks I guess.

    “You are not your body, you HAVE a body.” I love this statement, thank you for reminding me that I am more than what I look like. Wondering if I should talk to him about this so I know where he stands

    • Hi Jennifer, thank you for your share. I believe you need to go within and listen to what you want for your life- how you want to feel, look, all the things and visualize how your body is in this desire. Once you have a picture of what YOU want, you can start to lean towards those things that bring you joy and inspire you. It will also help you determine when and if you need to talk to him about where he stands and how he can support you!. xxo

  • Maria

    I have been looking for an answer to this issue for so long. After being in a marriage whereas I was belittled for being overweight and hearing hurtful comments by SOME men I dated after my divorce (not all men…some did find me very attractive, I realized I was just besting me down to nothing. Now, I myself am at my worst weight size yet and was starting to feel absolutely hopeless in everything until I read this. Everything you said made sense and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who has gone/is going through this. Thank you for posting this! It has helped far more than you know!

    • Hi Maria- I am so glad to be of help and inspiration for you. Please know- you are beautiful and amazing! Keep me posted- xo

  • Jefferson

    Can a Man feel this way!?

    • Absolutely! Both men and women experience these situations and I would ask you to use the steps listed and set boundaries for yourself. Be sure to let your partner know how they can support you and that it is not okay or helpful to address your health this way. I would love any updates.

  • Mariana

    Hi Sarah.. I’ve been googling things like ”i’m chubby and my boyfriend is skinny” for the last couple of hours. I always had confidence problem… what is really challenging is that not everybody knows how bad it is. Most people think it’s the adorable kind of insecurity.. the one where we are a bit shy of how we look and it goes away after a few moments. Well, it’s not. I’m constantly judging myself. When I say it out loud it sounds terrible and mean. Especially because I would NEVER do this to anyone else. I really believe that weight is just a number. We are so much more than that. We have so much more to offer to world than a number on a scale. But it’s also SO incredibly hard to get out of my head. I started a relationship recently and he is so amazing, kind, fun, and dear to my heart. Every time that he can he calls me beautiful, sexy or whatever. Without even knowing any of it what goes through my mind. We decided to abstain from sex and that also gave me a sense of relief. But I honestly don’t know what to do… I keep remembering a quote that says ”the only one standing on your way is you”. Any how, I loved what you wrote, it gave me a little peace to my troubled heart. so thank you!

    • Mariana- I want to give you a huge hug! We can be so mean to ourselves and I think it would be a great practice for you to say 3-5 loving things to yourself each day. They can be anything like- thank you for supporting me today, you are beautiful, I love you, etc… Then hug yourself! Try it and let me know how it goes- I know you are amazing and beautiful. xo

  • Michelle

    I am a big woman…due to several auto immune diseases. Wheni met my husband i was about 75# lighter. He will NOT have sex with me..he says..i am TOO BIG !! Obviously this has TORN my heart to pieces. The sad thing is 1) we both are Christians and 2) i hear him masturbate frequently!!! I have TRIEDto talk to him…and even suggested counseling which his response…he does notneed..maybe i do.
    I feel soooooo rejected, disgusted and alone. Iknow this is a older article but i hope you read this.
    Thank you for listening.

  • Natasha Jane Thompson

    Hello, I’m Natasha and I’m 21 years old. I’m currently in a relationship and I’ve been with him for over 2 years now and we have a 4 and a half month baby together, I love him so much but he always seems to be looking at other women who are more attractive than me because I’m a big women and he’s normal… and that makes me feel so uncomfortable! I really don’t know what to do… it breaks my heart when I see him looking at other women when we’re out shopping etc He has told me before, if I want to go to the gym so go.. he told me. That makes feel even worse because it feels like he’s telling me to lose weight but he also told me that he doesn’t look at other women but he actually does, but he doesn’t notice it! Please help, I don’t know what to do, I just feel like going back to my mum and dad’s home in Wales 🙁 xx

    • Hi Natasha! I remember what it was like after I just had my babies- and becoming a mother takes time. I would focus on what you need for yourself to make you feel joy and where you are in your body right now. Your body has changed- in fact, everything about you has changed. I invite you to see the truth about your body and all she does for you. Write her a letter to tell her you really see her. Like a mother who has never heard “thank you” after years of selflessly raising children, you will feel your body melt in the joy of being appreciated. Next- have a conversation with him and set the boundaries on what is ok and not okay. Check out these posts I wrote to help and inspire you: https://sarahjenks.com/blog/a-vulnerable-post-about-my-body/ and https://sarahjenks.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-man-insinuates-you-could-lose-a-few/ Know that you are enough and are beautiful. xxo

  • Samatha Holsinger

    I hate my body and I’ve been trying to loose weight I honestly feel like the sex drive isn’t there because of my weight I feel if I was thinner he would want to be with me more physically and sexually and maybe even mentally I’m just tired of trying

    • Hi Samantha- thank you for reaching out. I invite you to light a candle, grab some tea, and sit for a moment. Now try and listen to what your body is telling you and how you want to feel. For me, I want to feel vibrant, sexy, and energetic (how I want to feel changes from time to time). Notice how you want to feel and ways you can start to lean more towards that. (If you think you may have a health issue- please go visit a healthcare professional to attend and support you around this.) Lastly, know that you are amazing- just the way you are right now! Hugs.

  • Elaine

    I am so taken back, and PROUD of the women on here who had the courage to step forth and show their vulnerabity. I loved reading each comment, and gained more and more inner-strength with each one. I have always been highly critical of mysef, and a perfectionist. I’ve always had unrealistic ideas of how I should look; even as an older woman. The ridiculous message in my head has always been “if you don’t look perfect like a fashion model, you are undesirable and “common.” Wow–how mean can I get towards myself!! (And of course, I know it came from a highy critical and verbally abusive father.) I had always been very thin when I was younger, and it’s been horribly difficult, even now at the age of 62, to accept my weight (180 lbs.) I am about 5 feet tall, and was diagnosed with a thyroid problem. But after reading all of your comments, I’m ready to start doing more work on my “inside,” than worrying about the outside! Let’s continue to stick together, ladies. We need each other more than ever!!!
    Hugs, Elaine

  • Thank you. I needed this tonight 🙂

  • Its good that you wrote so nice things for loving your ownself but I had a question. What should one do when your partner keeps on reminding about your weight and makes you feel how ugly you look. Everyone in the environment says that you are the most beautiful girl in the office but your boyfriend says look at you.. Your arms are bigger than me. How should I convince myself here. I am trying my best to get in shape but my work is like everything goes in vain. I m not even taking time for myself. What can I do now?

    • It’s super important to set boundaries around this- boundaries are a good thing! Also- are you losing weight because you want to or because of your partner? Please know you are beautiful and should be treated like a queen- not to be ridiculed. Sending you my best!

  • Samantha

    Thank you so much for writing this post Sarah. I can’t tell you enough how much I have felt this way for the majority of my life. I’ve worked extremely hard over the past year to dig deeper within myself in search of compassion for the body that I feel trapped in. So much of my struggle comes from feeling like despite being my amazing characteristic self, nobody will see it or respect it because I’m trapped in a shell that just begs to be judged. I can’t help but care, and obesity is a symptom of a multitude of issues I haven’t learned to accept or cope with… I’m getting there quickly now, and am extremely proud of my progress, but I still feel trapped. To top it off… I’m talking to a man who is extremely worth meeting. Who has me more excited than I’ve been in years. Who knows about my weight, and understands my insecurity, acknowledges it and is willing to wait. He’s incredibly kind (and extremely attractive) but I just can’t work up the nerve to meet him. I’m worried that if I let him go, I’ll regret it completely. But I also fear meeting him with either prove I’m not attractive enough or too insecure to love him in the way he deserves; I may just need too much reassurance.

    I’m lost on the issue. I don’t know what my next step should be.

    Any advice is appreciated, but for now I’ll take the small points I’ve gathered from this article to heart and do my best to continue to discover my self love and acceptance.

    • Hi Samantha! Thank you for writing and having the courage to reach out. My first thought is for you to start treating your body with love and self-care. An example of this would be while applying lotion to your legs and feet saying “thank you, feet, legs, body for carrying me, taking me on adventures, and being so supportive”. Or saying aloud- “I love you” to yourself. As far as meeting this man- try and reframe it as going to have fun and seeing what fun you can have when you meet- try not future yourself out too much or think about if he will like you or not. He already does! Keep me posted.

      • Karissa

        Thank you for these examples. When I even try to think about telling myself I love me, or I love this part of me I just start to cry. I can’t do it. I feel ashamed. The worst part is I have done some pretty incredible remarkable things in life and yet I still don’t want to give myself credit. I don’t know why but I just feel dear. Any ideas or do I may need to get the heck over it and do it regardless of how I feel?

        • I would suggest journaling to yourself. I invite you to find a picture of yourself when you were a little girl and connecting with her, Karissa. How would you speak with her? What does she look like, what is she wearing, what brings her joy? Then love her up and tell her how amazing she is. That you are. You are her!

  • As a young(ish) gay man I too, can relate to your story – believe me this information is unfortunately very seldom found for us men… And I thank you so much for your constructive approach to a complex self-image issue, and also providing a sanctuary to share our personal feelings. Having read other comments I would like to say that it is such a difficult issue but it really does go back to self-love: lighting a candle tonight and writing some of your statements into my phone tonight!

    • Yes, yes, yes! So glad this was of help and inspiration for you. Keep me up to date! Sending hugs.

  • Vicky moran

    What an amazing article. Thank you! I will look for live more weigh less. I am 46 in 4 weeks, I am at my heaviest and my marriage is at an all time low. We met when we were 16.My background, middle class abusive mother with far too many children to care for.. father a doctor never there (I love my dad but he was a victim of domestic abuse and his work allowed him to be away). When at 16 I meet my husband I did not think myself worthy of anyone. He showed me that I was a unique beautiful individual with many strengths worthy of the world. I have never looked at any other neither has he, so when our sex life dried up and we stopped communicating despite portraying an exterior which showed a strong loving passionate marriage I blamed myself. The perpetual cycle of eating, lying about it and dieting has after nearly 30 years finally had what my be a disastrous consequence for our lives as a couple. My husband has told me he is not attracted to this obese miserable version of me, but that he adores the mother of his child, the strong girl who became a woman despite the odds stacked against. We can expect our husbands to love us no matter what but how reasonable is that actually. If he put on 5stone I don’t know how I would feel. It might be superficial but is still important to feel good about yourself and who you step out with, what I am wrestling with us that both us are unhappy in this regard. Something needs to be different. Good luck to all of you who might be in my position.xx

  • Stacy M

    Thank you for this. I never thought of: I have a body, I am not a body. This holds me back all the time. If only when I’m skinnier, I’ll be happier. That is what I tell myself. I need to focus on me (which most of the time I don’t) so it is going to be a work in progress.

  • I cried reading this. It’s something I very much needed to hear. I’m poly and am married. My husband has loved me through some weight changes, and I have loved him through some. I truly believe he doesn’t see my body at all, he just sees me. What has got me worried about this lately is that I have just started seeing a new partner. He’s very traditionally handsome and is very in shape and has an amazing body. I’ve found myself looking at pictures of him and asking myself why someone that looks like him would want someone who looks like me even though he’s told me how attractive he finds me. This reminded me that I just need to be more confident in myself and I’ll blow him away. I really can’t thank you enough for this message.

    • Hi Kat! Such an important message in your share- to just be you and shine like the bright light you are. That’s what people see! xo

  • Hi i want to share with you about me. Ive always been a very attracted women with a great self esteem. Through out thd years. I gained weight but still had confindence until i met guy. We started talking having a great time until he cheated on me with his ex. Which she is skinny. 7 months later i found out he was still messing with her then he tells me how such a fat ass i am i make him sick and tells me to drop 100 poiunds then we can say were a couple. Hurtful rude things so now what self confidence i did have is now gone he ripped it away and i dont know how to get it back.

    • Hi Mae- thank you for this vulnerable share. I would invite you to have fun and do things that bring you joy and not concentrate on what he thinks about your weight. It is not ok to make someone feel badly with hurtful things and actions like cheating. Check out my post on “What to do when your man insinuates you could lose a few” for some tools on how to set boundaries. Hugs to you.

  • Jennifer Grimsley

    Wow! All I needed was the euphemism of not being worthy because of my shoe size! That makes total sense and I can apply that daily to my not so rational thinking. My husband is military and runs a mile in under 10…me, I HATE RUNNING! but I love yoga and Pilates so we rejoined the gym. What I want is to get healthy… not thin but healthy and active and full of energy. I want t kayak and learn to do a stand up board (I live in Gig Harbor) and I want to backpack without getting eaten by bears). So, you see… I need this and I thank you. Euphemisms are a wonderful way to break down our complicated emotions into something applicable.

    • Yay- I love your positive outlook and energy. You can totally do this! Sending you hugs and support, Jennifer. Keep me posted.

  • Wendy

    For me I don’t feel unworthy. He makes me feel ugly because he never compliments me even when I try. He looks at other women in front of me, and he turns me down for sex and then fantasies about other women instead. That what makes me feel like I’ll never be good enough for him. From his point of view.

    • Hi Wendy- I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I would definitely try and have a conversation with him about that and how it makes you feel and how it is not ok. It won’t be easy, but it will feel amazing afterward. Sending hugs,

  • Bonnie Boone

    This article helped me tremendously. It confirms that i am on the right track. I’ve been a plus size woman most of my life. There was one point in my life when i started feeling insecure about my size. After much prayer i’ve been delivered. I believe i am a beautiful creation of God no matter what size i am.
    God looks on the inside man looks on the outside. I admire the woman that i’ve become. I no longer allow anyone to tell me that i don’t deserve this or that because of my size. I’ve learned to defend myself and i’m fighting back. I’ve been dating a guy since August and we are talking about getting married the early part of next year. While we were having a casual conversation my size came up. Some how i managed to remain calm. He said, you are a “big woman” and i am going to work with you, but you have to promise me that you will not get any larger. I told him that i don’t plan on getting any larger because i am under the doctor’s care to lose weight so i can become more healthier. Right now i am focused on being healthy. I didn’t share with him that i lost 27 pounds right before i met him. Today he mentioned my weight again, and i told him, if you feel that you need to find a wife that is smaller than i am then go right ahead. I told him that i love who i am, and that he is not doing me any favor by marrying me. I know for sure 100% that God will send me a man that will love me just the way i am. He became real quiet and start apologizing. I told him there is no need to apologize, i don’t want you marrying someone that you are not attracted too. I told him you deserve to be happy but i deserve to be happier.

    BB

    • Oh Bonnie- I so appreciate YOU and this share. I am so glad you honored yourself and what you deserve and spoke up for yourself- yessss! Thank you for taking the time to share with me, xo

  • Vani

    I am quite big sized. Everytime my husband I try to have sex, he complains that my thighs are too huge and he is not able to do it.
    I am trying my best to reduce it. But is it really a problem ? Can’t big size women enjoy sex?

    Thanks,
    Vani

    • Yes- they absolutely can. I would try and talk to him using the steps I recommend- this is just not an acceptable way to talk to someone else. Sending you hugs!

  • Elizabeth

    Thank you. I have been struggling to get my head back to me. My ex kept telling me I was fat and obese even though through a year of dating I continued to loose weight. I was a size nz 16 when we met I am now a size 14 and they are loose!! I told him fairwell but I found myself repeating his words to myself in my head throughout each day and beginning to feel bad about myself. I struggled to stop this negative chatter … this was it. Thank you.

  • Karissa

    Thank you so much for posting this. I am 31 and have struggled with my weight for the past ten years. My ex husband told me I was too heavy for him when I only weighed 140lbs. At one point I lost a bunch of weight and got down to 125lbs, I did this for him not for me. I couldn’t maintain that loss and after about a year of being skinny I started to gain and went back up to 140. He ended up cheating on me and I know this was his loss not mine. However I’ve now struggled to maintain 140 since he left. I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been (175) and while I know I’m pretty I know how much better and healthier I could be. Ever time I go to the gym I get anxiety and I stay to feel like I’m doing this for other people and not for me. I resent that feeling and end up wanting to leave. I am with a very loving man now who lives me regardless of size. He met me when I was 140 and still loves me at 175 but I am worried he will change and will want to leave me. At the end of the day I just want to live myself. I can handle loss but I can’t handle loving myself. I’m trying to learn how to do that and I’m hoping to find some ideas to help me get there. Love to everyone going through a weight struggle and thanks for letting me share.

    • Thank you, Karissa! I love that you are sticking with moving your body and moving through the anxiety- it can be challenging but it’s so important. Sending you hugs.

  • Cody

    My bf just recently told me that he is unhappy with my weight. I recently found out i have a pituitary tumor. So i gained un expected weight. He was soposed to stand by me tbrough this whole thing. He really wants me thin again. But he promised that hes not going to leave me. I feel he is being too male egoish. But his constant disappointment of my weight is not going to help me lose it any faster. Is this just an out for him??

    • HI Cody! So sorry to hear about your health BUT this is time for you to connect with your body and what she wants and needs. Focus on yourself and feeling vibrant. If he wants to go- you cannot stop him or constantly worry about what he is going to do. Do this for you, love!

  • Heather

    I go through something similar. I will not let my fiancé see me naked, or in my panties and bra, for tha matter. I have had 19 surgeries. I had an injury that left me immobile for almost 3 years. I gained almost 100 pounds. I’ve lost 60 of it now, but in your mid 40’s with physical disabilities, the weight loss just left me with lots of flab, loose skin, stretch marks and cellulite. I find it absolutely disgusting and i prefer to keep it to myself. I know I’m not suppose to care, but if I am disgusted by what I see, why would i share it with anyone else. He insists on me allowing him to see me. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal to him. I could honestly care less if i see him naked or not, i don’t see why he wants this so bad. We have sex in the dark and I’m usually covered. He can’t see a thing. He tries to push me into it, but it ends up me in a panic attack and uncontrollable crying episodes. I just can’t do it. I don’t think it’s that important and don’t understand his need.

    • Hi Heather! Your body is amazing and I am so happy to hear you are recovering so well from your injury- awesome! Now, I invite you to see the truth about your body and all she does for you. Write her a letter to tell her you really see her. Like a mother lovingly speaking to a child- give yourself some love and really see yourself for the beautiful person you are. Write this letter and then read it to yourself out loud while looking in a mirror. I would try and do this every day for 2 weeks! Let me know how it goes!

  • Julia

    First time on your page Sarah, I gotta say I really liked your approach to our weight problem… seems very sincere writting. I’m 32 now, and just about three or four years ago I started gainning weight. I had a pretty decent body even after having my first child.. but with my second one it all changed. I have noticed that despite my actual figure, my partner loves to be arrousing me.. and I have to say it’s been more difficult for me than for him to get used to my belly fat.. somethimes I feel a little unconfortable. but just by letting go a little I regain my inner goddess and feel totally in control of myself and confident in my relationship. Give it a try. Let go surprising your man, get a little sassy, even a new lipstick or perfume can give you that extra confidence or just by changing your mood you will look atractive… ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING… this will get the attention of your guy. And if the man just can’t look beyond your body and weight… just leave him behind. There are plenty more who would love to have you in their arms.

    • This is so good and inspirational, Julia! Thank you so much for your comment and for being here. Yes- we are goddesses and when we let go just a little of the holding- we can feel spaciousness and joy. Attitude goes a long way!

  • Sarah

    Thanks Sarah.
    You’re a babe. Made me feel so much better. I have been feeling very upset about my weight of late and have started to wonder why my partner is with me. I lost 3 stone just before I met him and am now almost back up to what I was before. It is demoralising as I truly thought I’d never be here again. But you have made me feel less worried and maybe if I am less worried I’ll be more able to make a gentle and sustained change for my health and myself, no bearing on my relationship. Thanks again.:)

    • I am so glad this article and my journey helped you- that’s what it’s all about- us as women being together and supporting one another. Thank you for sharing your journey- you can do whatever makes YOU happy. xo

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