Before I get into today’s topic, I have very exciting news! On Thursday October 25th I’m going to be speaking at Nitika Chopra’s Bella Life Event in New York City alongside 3 of my favorite thought leaders, Jason Wachob of Mind Body Green, Kate Northrup and Latham Thomas. If you’re in New York, I would LOVE to meet you, so please come out to the party, and make sure to RSVP here.
Now, let’s get into this weeks topic.
Yesterday, one of my clients was telling me how annoyed she was with her mother because she was complaining about how fat she was feeling. My client was giving her all sorts of wonderful, Sarah Jenks Approved advice, but it was falling on deaf ears.
My client was pissed that not only was it clear that her mother’s body angst had a role in perpetuating her own, but she was spending all this energy trying to help her mom with no success.
She asked me what she could do to get her mom to listen so she could just stop complaining.
My answer was not what she wanted to hear but I told her, “You need to stop giving your Mom advice, it’s not your job to make her happy.”
Another client of mine has been watching from the sidelines as her friend/co-worker’s career is crumbling. She wants so badly to help out and contribute so her job can be saved, but because of the company’s structure, she can’t have a real impact. Instead she spends her time worrying about her friend and giving her advice.
I told her lovingly, “You need to let it go, it’s not your job.”
As a first born, it seems I’m predisposed to want to take care of everyone, but have a hard time letting people take care of me.
I used to…
Shell out endless relationship advice to my friends who are struggling in their marriages.
Write full-blown marketing plans for my budding entrepreneur friends.
Be obsessed that everyone in my family was happy.
Tell Jonathan what his career path should be.
I never used to…
Call my friends and ask for advice, they just had too much going on in their own lives.
Tell Jonathan when I was feeling down or overwhelmed, who wants to have a moody girlfriend!
Tell my family when I was sick or sad because I didn’t want them to worry.
This responsibility was literally weighing me down. I was exhausted from being “on” all the time, depleted because I wasn’t seeking emotional support, and I was eating everything in sight to fill me back up.
I knew that something needed to change so I went to see my dear friend, Natalie Berthold. She helped me understand how to only be responsible for my own baggage. Not my friends’, not my mother’s, not Jonathan’s. I learned that I was creating this exhausting dynamic because I needed to be needed, and as long as I was inserting myself inappropriately, they would never seek the kind of help they actually needed. She taught be about family constellation and the natural order of things. I learned to lean on Jonathan without fearing I was going to annoy him. I started asking for more advice than I was shelling out and I started remembering that the people I thought needed my help to be happy, in fact are successful, smart, driven and totally fine without my input.
After a short time, I felt cared for and rejuvenated. I had stopped eating to fill a void and quickly lost excess weight. And I want you to do the same.
So here’s what I want you to do…
1. Make a list of everyone and everything you make yourself responsible for.
2. Next to every line write, “it’s not my job”.
3. Start leaning on people if you don’t naturally.
4. In the comments below, I want to hear from you about what tips you have about diffusing responsibility. Is this hard for you? Are there certain relationships that you know you feel super responsible for but can’t seem to adjust?
5. If you’re struggling in this area, especially around your family, I highly suggest you check out Natalie’s upcoming retreat. As you know, weight is 99% emotional, and Natalie is amazing at uncovering what sneaky issues are preventing you from having your ideal body.
Have an amazing weekend my dear, and may it be free of unneeded responsibility.
Simple actions to take your life back, know your worth & feel alive no matter how drained, overwhelmed and far gone you feel.