I recently got back from Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within. I walked on fire, danced my ass off, had breakthrough after breakthrough and spent time with some wonderful people including Nisha Moodley, Mastin & Jenna from the Daily Love, Zain Meghji of How to Look Good Naked Canada and Melanie Woodrow of The Doctors.
If you haven’t gone to this event, GO! It really will change your life.
The other night Jonathan and I were having dinner with some friends and the topic of divorce came up. The general consensus was:
“I mean, 50% of marriages end up in divorce, anything could happen.”
Jonathan and I gave each other a squeeze, as we talk about this topic a lot.
“I actually believe divorce is a choice” I said. “And not when things have gotten so bad that you’re staring at a perfect stranger ready to pack your bags, but starting the day you get married, and every day for the rest of your life.”
In my opinion, this idea of “anything could happen” is why the divorce rate is so high. There’s this idea that once you get married you can kick back and relax. And if you naturally feel attracted to each other, have a lot of sex and get along, then awesome – it’s just because of who you are.
And if there’s no passion, you fight a lot and you’re constantly pissed that your partner isn’t driven enough, it means maybe you weren’t the right match after all, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I see so many couples just let things happen. And if you have to put in any effort it means that something is inherently wrong. Those couples are not very happy.
When it comes to my relationship, I don’t believe that anything could happen, I believe that I will be in a passionate, loving and exciting relationship with Jonathan until the day we die. Not just because he’s awesome, but because we put in the work everyday to make sure that’s gonna happen.
And it starts with choice.
First, you gotta choose the right guy. How do you know? You just do, get honest with yourself. I see a lot of women choose a guy who’s like a Ranch style house, when they really want a Victorian. They think that they can make their Ranch into a Victorian but it just starts to look like a fun house. You can turn a Ranch into a really great Ranch with a new roof and refurbished cabinets, but no matter what you do, you’re not gonna get a Victorian. Make sure the foundation and the bones are right for you and what kind of life you want. And if you’re committed to working on the house, make sure they are too. All I’m gonna say is, it matters A LOT who you marry.
Then you gotta choose what kind of relationship you’re gonna have. One of my VIP clients was telling me this week that she was missing her boyfriend because they haven’t been seeing each other much recently, and things were starting to feel a little flat. I asked her, “how are you going to get the spark back?”
As soon as I said it, I corrected myself, “F**k the spark, how are you going to create a f**king bonfire. How can you make the next two weeks the most epically romantic two weeks of your life?”
We had a blast brainstorming ideas like making him breakfast in bed, taking off on a roadtrip for the weekend, making sure candles, sexy lingerie and perfume make a regular appearance. We talked about listening more, kissing more and holding hands. We talked about buying gifts and going on dates.
Does this take effort? Sure. But so does fighting all the time and paying for lawyers fees.
And of course creating a bonfire isn’t always easy, especially when we have obstacles like work, kids and other responsibilities.
But let me tell you a story…
When I was in high school I did this program called ‘Junior Maine Guide’ which was a wilderness survival training course that lasted all summer. The test for this course was a 5-day camping trip in upstate Maine during which I took about 30 written and practical tests to make sure I had the chops to keep a group of people alive in the wilderness.
The hardest and most dreaded test was the “wet day fire”. In order to pass the test we had to take a wet cedar log (yes, soaked for 15 minutes), chop it up with an axe, shave off pieces for kindling, set up a can filled with water hanging over the fire pit, build and light the fire (we only had 5 matches) and get the water in the can to bowl over – all in under 20 minutes. No newspaper, no lighter fluid, no help. Just a wet log, my axe (which I had named Angel) and my knife.
Credit: Kristen Kaiser
So I started this test already setup to fail because my log was wet, but I knew that if I could just chop away the outside layer, the core of my log was high quality dry wood, perfect for a fire (you see where I’m going with this?). Once I had chopped up the log, I took some of the dry wood – turned it into kindling, and built a fire around my little can of water. I lit the small shavings of wood and things started to catch. I was pumped, the larger pieces started to flame. It was working.
Then it started to rain. I realized in that moment that I could either give up, I mean anything could happen, I can’t control the rain. Or I could give it my all and create a f**king bonfire.
So I started blowing as hard as I could. I gave that fire so much oxygen that even the rain that was starting to come down hard couldn’t put it out. After a few minutes the pieces that were the outer layers of my wet log started to dry out because I was keeping them near the fire, and I was able to use them for more fuel.
But then I started to feel like I was going to pass out from blowing so hard, and that’s when the young women who were there taking the test with me gathered around and started chanting “boil. boil. boil. boil.”
With the added energy of my sisters at my back, I found a second wind and kept going.
At 19 minutes and 27 seconds my can boiled over. It was one of the greatest accomplishments of my life. Not because getting water to boil is anything special, but because I proved to myself that even when I’m at a disadvantage, and unforeseen obstacles pop up, as long as you have some good material, power and a group of awesome women to cheer you on, I can make anything happen.
It’s easy to assume that the fire in our relationship will just stay alive on it’s own, and when obstacles come along (like a demanding time at work, or a sick child) we should just give up, or take a break. But that’s when it’s the most critical time to give it all you got. Our romantic relationship is the most important part of our lives. It is the foundation of our families, our career, our health and our happiness. Without the heat, everything loses energy.
If your career is falling apart, look at where your relationship is falling apart. If your body is lethargic and you’re pounding sugar to stay awake, look at where your relationship is slowing down. If your kids feel uneasy, look at where your relationship can be more solid.
My invitation to you is to choose to create not just a spark in your relationship, but a bonfire. All you need is some good wood (haha), a match and a whole lot of blowing.
And make sure you share with us in the comments on the blog how you’re gonna feed the flames so we can all cheer you on.
And if you’re single ask yourself: if a man was walking down the beach at night, and there were 99 women sitting in the sand holding a lighted match, and 1 women’s making a bonfire, who do you think he’s gonna go hang out with?
You deserve an epically romantic relationship. I can’t wait to hear how you’re gonna make it happen. Let us know in the comments below.
P.S. If you’re feeling completely lost in this area and don’t even know where to start, I’m going to be sharing with you an awesome free training in a few weeks that’s going to give you even more advice and support around this topic, so keep an eye out.
Simple actions to take your life back, know your worth & feel alive no matter how drained, overwhelmed and far gone you feel.