I’m sitting at my kitchen table at 8:30 in the morning while my kids watch another episode of Curious George in the living room. Every episode that goes by I wonder if I’m ruining their little brains, and then try to talk myself into enjoying the next 23 minutes of silence.
I’m sorry I haven’t written in awhile. Our childcare situation has been challenging, and I’m struggling to find my center as I took on being with the kids full time. I’ve felt flat, empty and like I have absolutely no wisdom to share. Numbness has gotten me through the days.
Then this morning I woke up to a note from my sweet husband next to my coffee cup that he leaves out for me every morning by a fresh pot of coffee saying, “Have a good day hun, I know it’s been a long week, you’re doing so well and are such a good mom. I love you.”
The tears started flowing instantly as I realized how far from “Good Mom” I felt. Our new nanny starts on Tuesday, so I am at the end of this period of me being home, and I feel like a massive failure.
I imagined that by this time the kids and I would be coexisting in peaceful bliss, or I would have developed more patience and their meltdowns wouldn’t bother me at all. I thought that if I was here they would feel more secure and turn into well behaved, secure little humans. None of that happened, not even close.
There’s is nothing more important to me than being the best mother for my children. And since I had this definition and vision of what being the best mom looks like, and that vision isn’t coming true, I’ve felt like a terrible mother.
Letting go of that vision isn’t easy. It feels like giving up, like failing, like trying plan b. And I’m not a plan b woman. I’m an A+, push push push till you reach your goal type woman.
But I’m realizing (again) that maybe my vision is the problem, not me. That maybe being the best mother for my kids means not being there full time. I’ve had in my head that working is a cop out, that being a stay at home mom is the holy grail of parenting, the best thing for my kids.
I know this isn’t new information, but what I’m realizing is that no matter how many books are written on the topic, or how many people you know doing things a certain way, when it comes to you landing on what it means for you to be the best mom, it’s so incredibly hard.
I’ve read at least 20 parenting books since Marshall was born, maybe more, and to be honest I feel like the general attitude of each book is, THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO BE A MOM… THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD PARENT YOUR CHILD.
Where are the books about, let’s figure it out together, what is going to be the best way to do motherhood for you given the unique combination of your soul, your partner’s soul, and your children’s souls.
My hunch is that I’m not going to do this journey like anybody else, and neither are you. And I think the first step is to give up whatever game you’ve been trying to play. Just walk away. Burn it to ground, and let’s see what grows in it’s place. To be continued…
Simple actions to take your life back, know your worth & feel alive no matter how drained, overwhelmed and far gone you feel.