How To Never Feel Competitive Or Compare Yourself To Others Ever Again

Blog · Your Self

Have you ever felt jealous when a friend suddenly makes more money? Do you quietly celebrate when someone you’ve been jealous of in the past gets knocked down? Do you ever feel behind or slower than other people and wonder if you’ll ever “make it”?

I know it’s hard to admit, but facing this pattern is important … especially right now.

This reaction you have to others having more, is competitive thinking, a belief that convinces us that there’s a fixed amount of “good things” in life that we are all fighting for.

I used to be plagued by competition.

For so many years, I used to see other women who were also coaches and spiritual teachers growing their business faster than I was. They were hitting 6 figures in followers and subscribers, 7 figures in revenue and getting major book deals.

Every time I would look at their website or read a post on Instagram I would spiral out of control. I would think about how terrible of a writer I was, or how I wasn’t as connected. I’d start to fantasize that maybe if I were thinner and more beautiful then I’d be more successful. Sometimes I’d resent my children for “holding me back” or fantasize about having a husband who was a marketing wiz and could run my company for me for free!

I hate to admit it, but in those moments, the only thing that would make me feel better was to tear the person down. I’d imagine them miserable, or try to find things I didn’t like about them … anything to make them feel smaller and me taller.

I believed we were fighting for a limited number of spots at the table. When I was honest, I was imagining that there were 5-10 “thrones” that were available for spiritual life coaches and thousands of women fighting for those thrones. I imagined us all clawing at each other’s eyes to get a spot on those thrones like the “Running of the Brides” at Filene’s Basement to grab the perfect bargain wedding dress.

Super spiritual of me right?

Here’s the deal. That way of thinking was put in me by the Patriarchy and the systems it has created because when we feel in competition for a few spots at the table that we’re taught take incredibly hard work, exhaustion, sacrifice and perfection to get, then we never identify our true purpose (because we’re gunning for someone else’s!). Being in our purpose ignites our power, and being in our power disrupts the system. Get it?

So now when I notice those thoughts come in (because they still do sometimes) I remember that they are not my truth, but my brainwashing set out to derail me from my purpose.

So, what is the truth?

I believe that we each have our own throne to find and sit on. Your throne is your fullest expression, your highest mission, your purpose, your joy, your ALL OF YOU. It is just sitting there, waiting for you. No one else can sit on it, or take it away.

This means that there is no rush, but you can be derailed and distracted so make sure you aren’t fighting for someone else’s throne.

If you would ever like support identifying and sitting on your throne, this is exactly what we do in Whole Woman. You can learn all about my low priced, monthly membership (that doesn’t take a lot of time) here.

Competition & Racism

“If I take your race away, and there you are, all strung out. And all you got is your little self, and what is that? What are you without racism? Are you any good? Are you still strong? Are you still smart? Do you still like yourself? I mean, these are the questions. Part of it is, ‘Yes, the victim. How terrible it’s been for black people.’ I’m not a victim. I refuse to be one … If you can only be tall because somebody is on their knees, then you have a serious problem. And my feeling is that white people have a very, very serious problem, and they should start thinking about what they can do about it. Take me out of it.” – Toni Morrison

It’s important to note that this tool of competition created racism. In reading “My Grandmother’s Hands” by Resmaa Menakem, I’m learning how the trauma inflicted on less powerful white Europeans from more powerful white Europeans (so a select few could feel more powerful) in the middle ages, created a situation where the less powerful, traumatized white people fled to Turtle Island (now known as the United States). Those traumatized white people then needed to put others down in order to feel powerful, and so they made up a LIE that Black people are less than them, and this gave them a false sense of power.

We all need to understand internally that this lie that our power lies in the comparison and competition to others, regardless of what side of oppression we land on, is false.  AND we need to dismantle the systems that keep competition at the forefront of our society and economy because although it is not a universal truth, it is a systemic truth.

Here’s a great video explaining how a Patriarchal system created a fabricated competition and scarcity in the housing market based on race: click here.

Scarcity is not natural, it is created. And it is created so a select few people can feel like they have more than others, and feel better compared to others. The Earth provides everything everyone could ever need. There is no shortage of food, or space, we’ve just been taught to compete, and therefore to hoard.

I believe that in order to truly heal all of the situations in which competition hurts ourselves and others (including racism, misogyny and toxic capitalism), we have to understand that these feelings and beliefs are not universal truth, they are fabricated in order to keep people controlled and distracted from our true nature.

Each of us needs to each act as if we know that we each have our own throne, and do our part to dismantle the systems that keep people from reaching theirs.

Your Moonday Journaling Exercises:

  • What are all of the ways you’ve felt in competition with others in your life?
  • What does your throne look and feel like?
  • Who is your fully expressed self?
  • What systems outside of you (if any) have kept you from sitting on your throne?
  • How can you be a part of dismantling systems of competition and scarcity so everyone has an equal chance to reach their throne?

Happy Moonday my dear.




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