Blog
If Your Man Is Constantly Disappointing You, You’re Probably Making This Mistake
Share
My husband would kill me if I told you this.
Two weeks before my birthday this year, one of my husband Jonathan’s female co-workers came up to me and said…
“Jonathan has been working so hard on your birthday, you have him so well trained!”
At first, I felt a little bad, I didn’t want her to think I was a nagging, controlling wife, but when I saw her face I realized she was giving me a HUGE compliment.
Because what woman doesn’t want her man to do exactly what she wants?
But how often do you assume he should just know what to do?
And then you get totally pissed when he doesn’t deliver?
If your man is constantly disappointing you, you’re probably making this mistake.
Men are many things, but mind readers is not one of them. You absolutely have to ask for what you want. And I promise, asking does not take the fun out of it, or defeat the purpose.
Let me give you an example…
At the beginning of August (yes, 2 months before my birthday) I told Jonathan something along the lines of, “Soooo my birthday is coming up (he laughed at this), and you can do what you want, but just so you know, here’s what would make me the happiest: I’d like to have a group dinner with my friends, dinner with just you on my birthday and instead of a gift, I’d like to go away for the weekend. And I want you to be in charge. I’ll assume you’ve got it covered unless you ask me”
Let’s break it down: The anatomy of asking for what you want without shutting down your man or being a nag :
- Give him plenty of time. This allows time for him to pull something off, plus enough time can go by so it really feels like his idea.
- Ask for an overall structure OR a few details, not both. If you plan every detail of a birthday, date, gift, or trip, your man is left with no creativity and becomes a travel agent/housekeeper instead of your prince charming. What is more important to you: that your man cooks you dinner 3 days a week? Or that he cooks you a gourmet French meal complete with coq au vin? Which will prob happen once a month. I prefer to give structure over details because then Jonathan gets to put his own twist on what we do and I love to be surprised.
- Be clear on how much involvement you want to have. Saying, “Will you plan dinner?” may have him asking for your opinion on cuisine and location (super annoying right?). But saying, “will you take me out to dinner next week? I don’t care where we go I just want you to surprise me” takes you out of the equation and allows you to be swept off your feet.
- Appreciation guarantees a repeat performance. Find the things he did well and rain so much praise, kisses and thanks he feels like he just bought you your dream castle. The things that weren’t so perfect, or not exactly what you meant, don’t say a thing. If dinner wasn’t perfect, but he took you out, say, “Thank you so much for planning dinner for us, it just meant the world to me, I felt so special tonight.” If you hated the restaurant, no need to lie and say you loved it, just don’t mention it. The next time he takes you to a restaurant you love, tell him so and he’ll start to put the pieces together.
Men aren’t stupid, they pay attention, and if you always freaking love the French restaurants he takes you to, but never mention how much you love the buffalo wings… he’ll get it.
Negativity makes men want to avoid doing anything at all, for fear of getting chastised.
Positivity makes men want to give you the moon.
What I love about this tactic, is man training isn’t about tricking him into doing something for you or being manipulative. It’s just about being clear, knowing you deserve to have wonderful things done for you, and being nice and appreciative when he does. Make sense?
Why NOT asking for what you want keeps you in body hell.
Now what does this have to do with weight loss? Women have stopped asking for what they need and want because being the woman who can “do it all” is seen as a strength. But, what has happened is that women are not being taken care of, have little pleasure in their lives, and give give GIVE without getting anything back (this is no one’s fault but yours, btw).
Food then becomes your only source of pleasure (cookies taste too good to stop), for a break (I was just so tired I needed an afternoon pick-me-up), and for love (after my fiance went to sleep, I go for the ice cream, I can’t help but eat the whole thing).
Long story short: Ask for more, crave food less.
So here’s what I want you to do, ask your man (insert friend, mother, co-worker) for what you want. It’s going to be uncomfortable but do it anyway. Just try one, small thing. Smile, follow the steps above, and then let it go.
In the comments below, I’d love to hear your strategies for “training your man”, especially without making him feel “whipped”.
If you know it’s time for your husband to do some inner work, encourage him to check out my husband’s Men’s Work program. Jonathan is the only board-certified integrative Urologist in the country and he believes that inner work can heal men’s bodies. He’s brilliant, and he has helped hundreds of men deal with their own shit so they can show up in their full power.
xox
Sarah
15 Comments
Unfortunately if I ask my husband to do anything it is more or less guaranteed it won’t happen. I would ask and he would agree and then never do it
Sometimes if I didn’t ask he would say he was going to do something and still not do it
Unfortunately I cannot trust a word he tells me and I do not understand why he is like this
Hi Caroline, thank you so much for reaching out, love. I’m so sorry you’re frustrated by your Husband’s empty promises. It’s not fair and it’s not right. You should be able to trust his word and he shouldn’t just say something with no intention on following through. I would have an open conversation with him about how his inaction impacts you and what you’d like to see change and shift so you can feel fully fulfilled in your marriage. Sending you love.
Open conversations only result in more promises that go unfulfilled. He buys more time to distance himself from his discomfort with accountability then repeats the same behavior previously resolved through explicit agreement.
That’s sad, sorry you’re going through that, it’s frustrating. Maybe it’s a communication problem. You’re not alone, trust me. Wondering where you are in your marriage 2 yrs later. Thanks for sharing
Gosh I feel like bursting into tears right now hearing your story. I can feel your pain. But if its important to him he will cross oceans to get it done. Then when you bring it up, you’re gas list. And if you get upset and dont want to talk because he keeps making excuses then he gets mad at you. Im trying not to despise him but he’s like a child, not a man. He doesn’t care about his hygiene. And there is a difference between not caring and being remorseful. He simply doesn’t care. He’s a liar and I’m starting to despise him. I want a divorce and to be separated from him but I can’t. Im stuck with him. Im dependent on him. He’s the type to start using his authority over things. I can’t believe I’m saying these words right now. But I’m fed up with the incompetence and the gaslighting. For example I tell him so many times about the trash. Then if he does it consistently for like 4 days then it’s like he forgets everything I have been begging him to do. Then say what I claimed to be a lie. But yesterday I reminded him and called him out on it since there were 2 big bags in the kitchen. Getting him to apologize was like pulling nails. He kept dancing around the apology. He would say stuff like “I’m sorry IF I” or “I’m sorry that YOU”.My religion doesn’t allow remarriage after divorce but I don’t think I would want to risk getting another man child. I would rather stay single.
The problem isn’t any of the mistakes it’s like he doesn’t care and makes it seem as if I’m nagging or that I’m making everything up. If putting up with this and feeding his ego is what keeps a man then women should remain single.
I put my career on hold to raise our children. Meanwhile he got to try out what he wanted this whole time with out expenses. Now that I NEED (I’ve been needing to) to go back to work and need stuff set up for it (he used to fix computers) he’s delaying everything. There’s so much more about 10 years worth that I have put up with.
Ditto. Being cyrstal clear makes zero difference: he simply cannot be bothered.
If I ask him, that guarantees I wont get it because it wasn’t HIS idea. He thinks I’ll feel like he’s only doing it because I told him to, not because he wants to. Problem is, he doesn’t try to think of his own ideas either so it’s always just a big nothing.
I’ve tried to tell & show him that love isn’t an adjective, it’s a verb. It’s something you do every day, even on the days when you love them, but maybe don’t like them very much. Especially those days!
The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
Hi Anita, I hope you are well. You are so right, love isn’t an adjective, it’s a verb. It’s so important to speak your truth in your relationships and I’m glad you’ve spoken up. I do hope your partner is receptive to your words, love.
Hello,
Infrequently I am very specific about exactly what I want, and he nearly always gets it wrong. I’m so tired of never having it my way-just once. It’s depressing. I am told to just be thankful and appreciative of what I get, but sometimes I just want it my way. It’s such a let down when I was hopeful, and then, yet again, disappointed. And then if I say anything, I’m not being grateful.
Hey Sarah! thanks for this article! I found it this mornin feeling so disappointed when my partner wouldn’t help me with something I asked for help with (I’m injured and needed to move a bed frame so I didn’t have to crawl onto a mattress on the floor – or sleep on the couch.) He told me he was too tired but would do it the next day (leaving me still in pain dealing with the mattress on the floor.) How do I accept/move on from that kind of disappointment, when I feel like he wasn’t in support of even my physical body/pain? I wonder how he’ll be when we have kids if he couldn’t help me then. I also wonder if I’m entirely placing too much responsibility/blame on him, and just not accepting his “no I can’t today” (I saw my physical pain as more important than his feeling too tired to help….)
Yeah. This was my situation exactly. I even tried reverse psychology. In marital counseling, the counselor said “You need to ask for what you want. What do you want?” Clearly and slowly I said, “I would like X to make dinner twice a week. I don’t want to have to shop for or plan it. I would like us to go for a walk of 30-60 minutes once a week or go out on a date.” These requests, which cost little time, money, or personal sacrifice, were honored zero times. Once, he angrily tried to make dinner. He pulled open the drawers and not knowing what to make, made pasta without a vegetable. We are divorced now. He bakes pies, cakes, and cookies now. He cooks complex dinners. He does things for people. He was an absent husband for many years and occasionally forgot my birthday. We have two children, otherwise Id probably cut contact. Women: ask for what you want, yes. But LISTEN to what you get. Act accordingly. Some husbands are not men of their word and can’t be counted upon or they resist any gentle requests because they are afraid that if they honor these they’ll lose agency or control. If you have one now it’s probably not going to change.
Why is the onus on the women to spoon feed her man to be respectful and thoughtful? Ladies, if he doesn’t know you by now and doesn’t care to even try to do something special to make you happen (which he should do daily but particularly on special occasions), then dump his ass. He’s not your child.
Men are not stupid and know exactly what needs to be done. Its weaponized incompatence and its delebrate. THEY DON’T CARE. They don’t care if you are dying for companionship.
These types of men don’t care if you are juggling EVERYTHING. They do not care if your home is in shambles including the marraige. If your doing all of the relationship work/house work, its on purpose. They are open about it and yet you women want it to be a sign of love and respect so bad that you take obviously selfish behavior and try to twist them into OUR problems.
If he wanted to, he would. There is no hidden romantic agenda. There is no secret code. He just dosen’t love you all enough to be the husband you need and desearve.
Its hard to hear but I am so tired of yall infantizing grown ass men.
I’ve tried this with him many times. Once on Valentine’s Day, I had planned a special dinner for us and paid it in advanced. I even told him to clear his schedule for a surprise for us. He was excited at first but then a few days before the date, he told me he wanted to go for this worktrip (he has his own business). He asked if I could move my dinner reservation on V-day because that worktrip was really important to him. I was so disappointed but I let it slide. I said to him, “Okay you can go but you have to make it up to me… I want a Valentine’s day card with a heartfelt note written by you by the time you get back”. He was fine with that. When he finally came back from his trip, there was no card. I was more disappointed by that because I felt like I had set the bar so low and he couldn’t even get me a card. I didn’t ask for gifts, just a card! And I felt like I had always been putting so much more effort in the relationship than he has. It makes me feel under-appreciated and unimportant to him. Later after that I told him I didn’t want to see him unless he had a card to give me. It took him half an hour and he came back with a birthday card that he crossed out and a sloppy note written inside. I still keep it because I wanted to hold on to hope that he really would try to change and put more effort.
We are married now and unfortunately it’s the same and sometimes its worse. Sometimes he can be a burden. I’ve tried asking him to do things around the house or do things for me and he usually doesn’t do it OR he would do something else, something I didn’t ask for or want. He always thinks I’m disappointed with his financial situation. I have never asked for money and he doesn’t support me financially. I’m so frustrated and I don’t know how to communicate with him. Whenever I try to, he will either make it a joke and not take me seriously or he will just shut down and not speak at all.
What should I do?
Mine will take me to dinner if I ask and he’ll confirm a restaurant wit me BUT he will always come home 5 minutes before we need to leave with his hair on fire, has to shower, dress, call a cab, no time to help with the kids or allow me time to get ready without first having to make dinner, feed kids, get babysitter organized, etc. Never an allotment of time for me. When the kids were small and we had theatre season tickets (for 4 years, 3 times a year so 12 times) and I took them to Grammy’s for a sleepover, he would still come home with 5 minutes to spare and then brag at intermission that all he gets for dinner is a packet of almonds (from the concession) because he didn’t have time for dinner. In those 12 times of going to theatre he never came home early once to take me to dinner first, or give ME time to get ready. That was years ago. I’m divorcing him this year. Finally.