If Your Man Is Constantly Disappointing You, You’re Probably Making This Mistake

Blog · Your Relationships

My husband would kill me if I told you this.

Two weeks before my birthday this year, one of my husband Jonathan’s female co-workers came up to me and said…

“Jonathan has been working so hard on your birthday, you have him so well trained!

At first, I felt a little bad, I didn’t want her to think I was a nagging, controlling wife, but when I saw her face I realized she was giving me a HUGE compliment.

Because what woman doesn’t want her man to do exactly what she wants?

But how often do you assume he should just know what to do?

And then you get totally pissed when he doesn’t deliver?

If your man is constantly disappointing you, you’re probably making this mistake.

Men are many things, but mind readers is not one of them. You absolutely have to ask for what you want. And I promise, asking does not take the fun out of it, or defeat the purpose.

Let me give you an example…
At the beginning of August (yes, 2 months before my birthday) I told Jonathan something along the lines of, “Soooo my birthday is coming up (he laughed at this), and you can do what you want, but just so you know, here’s what would make me the happiest: I’d like to have a group dinner with my friends, dinner with just you on my birthday and instead of a gift, I’d like to go away for the weekend. And I want you to be in charge. I’ll assume you’ve got it covered unless you ask me”

Let’s break it down: The anatomy of asking for what you want without shutting down your man or being a nag :

  1. Give him plenty of time. This allows time for him to pull something off, plus enough time can go by so it really feels like his idea.
  2. Ask for an overall structure OR a few details, not both. If you plan every detail of a birthday, date, gift, or trip, your man is left with no creativity and becomes a travel agent/housekeeper instead of your prince charming. What is more important to you: that your man cooks you dinner 3 days a week? Or that he cooks you a gourmet French meal complete with coq au vin? Which will prob happen once a month. I prefer to give structure over details because then Jonathan gets to put his own twist on what we do and I love to be surprised.
  3. Be clear on how much involvement you want to have.  Saying, “Will you plan dinner?” may have him asking for your opinion on cuisine and location (super annoying right?). But saying, “will you take me out to dinner next week? I don’t care where we go I just want you to surprise me” takes you out of the equation and allows you to be swept off your feet.
  4. Appreciation guarantees a repeat performance. Find the things he did well and rain so much praise, kisses and thanks he feels like he just bought you your dream castle. The things that weren’t so perfect, or not exactly what you meant, don’t say a thing.  If dinner wasn’t perfect, but he took you out, say, “Thank you so much for planning dinner for us, it just meant the world to me, I felt so special tonight.”  If you hated the restaurant, no need to lie and say you loved it, just don’t mention it.  The next time he takes you to a restaurant you love, tell him so and he’ll start to put the pieces together.

Men aren’t stupid, they pay attention, and if you always freaking love the French restaurants he takes you to, but never mention how much you love the buffalo wings… he’ll get it.

Negativity makes men want to avoid doing anything at all, for fear of getting chastised.
Positivity makes men want to give you the moon.

What I love about this tactic, is man training isn’t about tricking him into doing something for you or being manipulative. It’s just about being clear, knowing you deserve to have wonderful things done for you, and being nice and appreciative when he does. Make sense?

Why NOT asking for what you want keeps you in body hell.

Now what does this have to do with weight loss? Women have stopped asking for what they need and want because being the woman who can “do it all” is seen as a strength. But, what has happened is that women are not being taken care of, have little pleasure in their lives, and give give GIVE without getting anything back (this is no one’s fault but yours, btw).

Food then becomes your only source of pleasure (cookies taste too good to stop), for a break (I was just so tired I needed an afternoon pick-me-up), and for love (after my fiance went to sleep, I go for the ice cream, I can’t help but eat the whole thing).

Long story short: Ask for more, crave food less.

So here’s what I want you to do, ask your man (insert friend, mother, co-worker) for what you want. It’s going to be uncomfortable but do it anyway. Just try one, small thing. Smile, follow the steps above, and then let it go.

In the comments below, I’d love to hear your strategies for “training your man”, especially without making him feel “whipped”.

If you know it’s time for your husband to do some inner work, encourage him to check out my husband’s Men’s Work program. Jonathan is the only board-certified integrative Urologist in the country and he believes that inner work can heal men’s bodies. He’s brilliant, and he has helped hundreds of men deal with their own shit so they can show up in their full power.



  • Caroline says:

    Unfortunately if I ask my husband to do anything it is more or less guaranteed it won’t happen. I would ask and he would agree and then never do it

    Sometimes if I didn’t ask he would say he was going to do something and still not do it

    Unfortunately I cannot trust a word he tells me and I do not understand why he is like this

    • sarahjenks says:

      Hi Caroline, thank you so much for reaching out, love. I’m so sorry you’re frustrated by your Husband’s empty promises. It’s not fair and it’s not right. You should be able to trust his word and he shouldn’t just say something with no intention on following through. I would have an open conversation with him about how his inaction impacts you and what you’d like to see change and shift so you can feel fully fulfilled in your marriage. Sending you love.

  • AnitaTaco says:

    If I ask him, that guarantees I wont get it because it wasn’t HIS idea. He thinks I’ll feel like he’s only doing it because I told him to, not because he wants to. Problem is, he doesn’t try to think of his own ideas either so it’s always just a big nothing.

    I’ve tried to tell & show him that love isn’t an adjective, it’s a verb. It’s something you do every day, even on the days when you love them, but maybe don’t like them very much. Especially those days!

    The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

    • sarahjenks says:

      Hi Anita, I hope you are well. You are so right, love isn’t an adjective, it’s a verb. It’s so important to speak your truth in your relationships and I’m glad you’ve spoken up. I do hope your partner is receptive to your words, love.

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