The Issues in Our Sex Life Weren’t Really About Sex

Blog · Your Relationships

Sex hasn’t been an easy thing for me and Jonathan. I remember going to a workshop where we had to sit across from each other, and I was asked to bring up my desire and feel it in my body.

Well, my desire was to strangle him.

I could barely be in the same room with him at that point, how was I supposed to soften with him?

But I was deeply committed to going there, so instead of bringing my sexy desires like most of the women were, I started screaming. I wailed and cried and expressed how miserable and depleted and unheld I felt.

Years of unspoken annoyance, pain, and resentment started emotionally vomiting out of my body. Goddess, it was hard, but it revealed a really important truth that became the core of me and Jonathan healing our sex life, and is now a core pillar in Modern Marriage.

In our specific situation, the issues in our sex life weren’t really about sex. It was about everything around sex that prevented me from feeling open, soft, and safe.

I was holding way too much at home and with the kids. Jonathan was often tense and edgy at home. I didn’t feel met emotionally or spiritually. I was struggling with body image and with my health, which was partially caused by emotional eating from holding too much and living in a tense environment!

For us, there was a whole body of work that needed to be done before we could even consider being intimate with each other.

If you are struggling in this area, I need you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. And there’s nothing you can do to force yourself to be more intimate. Not having the sex life you want, is a symptom of something else in your life. I highly encourage you to look at how your whole life and relationship are contributing to the distance. And if you want support we’re here…

If you know someone who has been struggling in this area and is blaming themselves, I hope you’ll share this with them.

This is a super hard and tender topic, and I just really want you to know that having an incredibly passionate, intimate sex life is possible. It takes a lot of work, and a lot of different work than most people will have you believe. But I’m so glad that I leaned into it.


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