Then he was on his knees begging for forgiveness…

Let’s start at the beginning… I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting when I was 10 years old. Just me and a bunch of middle-aged women talking about points and getting weighed every week. Good times.

At social dance every week this boy would whisper in the ears of my dance partners “I can’t believe you’re dancing with her, she’s so fat.” Almost all of them would drop their hand from my waist and back away. 

On the bus, the boys in the back chanted “SUMO SUMO SUMO” as I got on the bus every morning.

My tiny little heart, broken into a million pieces every day. And the wounds took root so deep, that I became my own worst bully. I just assumed that everything outside of myself was right, and I was the one who needed to change.

Even though my body changed and was healthy during middle & high school, I told myself every minute that I was an ugly, fat, stupid, lazy person. That I would never amount to anything. I held myself back. I sunk into the pack. I hid.

The only time I would come out of hiding, was when I could pretend to be someone else on stage, or I’d have enough to drink to forget how much I hated this body I dragged around.

In college, I “managed” my weight by consuming a diet of plain tuna fish & Redbull.

When I met Jonathan, I was on the thinner side of my body journey (thank you tuna) and I thanked God every day that this hot football player would never know the chubby, insecure girl I once was.

That was a nice thought

Fast forward 13 years and I’m sitting on the couch after I got the kids to bed. I had survived 4 years of birthing 3 kids, nursing, and raising them mostly on my own while financially providing for all of us for 3 years, sharing the load for one, suffering from postpartum depression, and having my husband working 90-hour weeks in the hospital. It was the hardest 4 years of my life, and I was finally taking a much-needed exhale. 

And then Jonathan casually asks, “Are you going to work out tomorrow morning?”

My whole body seized up. 

“What? Uh. Why are you asking?”

I was shrinking. There I was getting on the bus again, my little body preparing to be yelled at sumo sumo sumo…

“Oh no reason, just curious.”

A small bit of anger came to the surface – “You know I don’t like it when you ask me about working out.” 

“Well, I just wanted to support you in case you wanted to, I don’t mean anything by it.”

He never should’ve married a psychic .

“Well, I feel like you did.”

“Sarah, you’re just sensitive about your body because of your childhood, I promise I didn’t mean anything by it.”

I believed him.

“Ok, please don’t do it again”

The next day we’re going to bed and he asks “What time are you getting up tomorrow?”

“Not sure, why?”

“I just didn’t know if you want to work out.”

WTF!?

I sat up.

“Do you have something you’d like to say to me?”

“No”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Fine… I’m worried about your health, and I feel like you could take better care of yourself. And if I’m being honest I’m less attracted to you.”

What happened next was a blur of rage, despair and my worst fears coming true. For me, nothing signaled love and connection like thinking I’m beautiful, how I and most women have been taught to measure our worth, and nothing touched my deep conditioning that I was an ugly, stupid, lazy waste of space.

I got out of bed and collapsed on the floor, head down, tears soaking the rug, ready for the earth to swallow me whole. 

He immediately wrapped his arms around my shaking body. He felt instant remorse, “Just tell me what to do, I’ll do anything.”

I gathered myself the best I could. 

“I need you to look at why you care, why you would say such passive-aggressive things to me, and then gaslight me by telling me I’m too sensitive.”

And I spoon-fed him books, podcasts, and Instagram posts. I created a college course in healing internalized patriarchy for men and body image education, I was, by the way, one of the leading experts at the time. Oh, how the Goddess has a sense of humor.

Every day I asked what he learned, and every day he told me he hadn’t read the chapter yet, or only got through ten minutes of the podcast. So I marked the pages, highlighted the sections, and sent him the podcasts again. 

Day after day, barely any progress. 

I cried, I pleaded. I needed him to learn what was happening inside of him, so he could accept me. 

Nothing.

So one day, I gathered the kids and told Jonathan I was going to my parents for the weekend. As I pulled out of the driveway I could feel our vows breaking. I was making it so easy for him, I was so clear, and yet he just didn’t seem to care.

Over the weekend I called my mentor, and she said to me, 

“Sarah, what wound is this touching in you? Are you at home in your body?”

“I mean, no, but he can’t treat me like this!”

“That is true, but what if you ordered this up? What if Jonathan is just here to show you where you need to come into wholeness with yourself?”

Fuck. She was right.

Because if he had said I wasn’t smart, or a bad dancer, I would’ve laughed in his face and moved on. But the truth is he shed light on the deepest darkest secret I’ve ever had — I chose the wrong body.

So I went to work on myself in ceremony. I dropped out of my conditioning and into my soul, talking to all of the hidden dark parts inside of me. Facing all of the bullies, all of the wounds. I discovered that I was deeply hurting from years of people shaming me, of me not taking proper care of myself, and the decades of self-shaming.

I realized I was outsourcing my love to Jonathan. If he could accept my body as right, then I would feel ok. I wasn’t heartbroken because he was telling me something I didn’t know, I was heartbroken because I felt like he could see the parts of me that I was deeply ashamed of and spent a lifetime trying to hide. But the truth was, if I couldn’t love this part of myself, and know her intimately, how could I expect anyone else to?

Did this excuse Jonathan’s judgment or behavior? Hell no. Did he still need to change in order to stay married to me? Yes.

But instead of me being an insecure teenager, needing my hot football player husband to choose me, I became something else entirely.

I got home from a weekend of deep soul journeys while my parents watched my kids, and sat with Jonathan on our bed.

I stood up on the floor and closed my eyes. I called forward my Priestess self, my inner Holy Woman. I felt the ancient part of me, I pulled all of the energy from the land into my body. I felt my body, how much I loved her, how much she had gone through, how special she was, all the ways I wanted to start taking better care of her, all the ways I had started to love her and worship her. 

I opened my eyes and I felt 7 feet tall. I looked at Jonathan who was sitting on the edge of the bed with the full force of my sacred love and devotion to myself. I was no longer the needy teenager pleading for scraps. I knew in that moment if this man could not honor me the way I honored myself, I would be ok without him. 

I didn’t need to say a word. His face fell, his heart broke open and he fell to his knees at my feet. A string of “forgive me’s” and “I’m so sorry’s” were lost in the field of utter devotion — of me to myself, and of Jonathan to repairing.

In that moment, I set a new standard for what I required in my relationship  — not through my requests or spoon-feeding Jonathan lessons in how to change, but in my own devotion to my soul, and the power I cultivated in my presence because of it.

I told Jonathan that our old marriage was over, I quit various jobs and roles I had been playing, and I told him, that he would have to date me again and we would create a new marriage, with new agreements and new energies over time. I gave him no direction, no timeline, nothing. I was tired of being his coach.

I went to work healing myself, and my own relationship with my body and some inner child parts through ceremony, and Jonathan dove head first into his healing journey  — because he brainwashing us in different ways and different degrees. Within a month he had done his first Sacred Sons Retreat, had gone to therapy twice a week, and read 2 books  — more inner work than he had done his whole life despite my constant pleading. And this growth and devotion to his own healing and transformation has been at the center of his life for years now. 

We built a beautiful new marriage together, and I have never felt more at home in my body, with myself, and with him. 

(note: there is never a guarantee that the people you are calling into alignment with you will follow, and if they don’t, it is hard, but the real work is to get in alignment with you).

Here’s what I believe, in the mystery school of life, the Goddess is going to send us opportunities to do the deepest healing if we choose it, and it is often through the people we love the most. The work is to go in first — I have found the best way to do this is in ceremony because it’s in this environment we have the clearest, most direct connection to our soul. This is why I hold ceremony every New Moon inside Holy Woman  — to be so devoted and protective of our own broken parts that we aren’t outsourcing our acceptance to others BUT we also have incredibly high standards for how we are treated. 

When I say, “A woman armed with ancient wisdom is unfuckwithable” this is what I am talking about. 

So whether you have this work to do in your marriage, in your friendships, with your parents, in your career, know that the work starts with you, in ceremony. And when you are whole and holy, you will call everything around you to a higher standard. 

This is how, I believe, we change our lives and the world. 

Love,

Sarah

——-

There are two ways to be in ceremony with me this year:

1. Emerge Retreat September 20-22, 2024 Medfield, MA 
2. Holy Woman: an online mystery school for women who want to learn about the sacred feminine and walk as a holy, sacred woman in their lives.

Right now we are offering extra support to deepen your learning & practice until June 5th.

1. When you pay in full for Emerge, you’ll receive a year in Holy Woman for free (you’ll also receive Soul Work: How to make great money doing your soul’s work ($888) for free).
2. When you join Holy Woman for a year (only $58 a month) you’ll receive Soul Work: How to make great money doing your soul’s work ($888) for free.
3. Plus extended 6-pay payment plan for Emerge, Expires June 5th.

To learn all about Emerge and reserve your spot (space is limited), click here.

To learn about Holy Woman and enroll, click here. 

Here’s to the mystery.