I have a feeling I will look back on this part of my life and realize this is when everything changed.
Four months ago, while sitting in Temple, I got a very clear message from the Goddess that the way I was running my business and subsequently my life, was no longer working, and worse, it was doing damage. I let go of the majority of business support and cancelled all marketing and growth plans. The past three months was the longest I’ve ever gone without promoting anything, I haven’t blogged, and I’ve only been posting on instagram 3-4 times A MONTH. I wrote more about this decision and why it rocked my world, here.
When I first decided to take this “sabbatical”, my intention was just to get a much needed break from the hustle. I anticipated feeling relaxed, care-free and full of freedom. I was going to give my mind and body a rest and get back to business as usual, but with more energy and a better relationship to the “businessy” part of my work in the world.
Instead, I’ve been wrought with anxiety, confusion, exhaustion and overwhelm, for seemingly no reason at all. The circumstances of my life (house, kids, money, love) are the best it’s ever been, and here I was losing my sh!t.
Being a spiritual person, I closed my eyes one day and asked for guidance. An oracle card deck (“Work Your Light Oracle” by Rebecca Campbell and Danielle Noel) I’ve had for many months but have never used seemed to jump off my shelf, so I tore off the plastic and started asking the cards questions.
I shuffled and asked the deck, “what was going on with me?” and I pulled “The Initiation”, a card that explained that we are often confronted with discomfort, old patterns and gross energy before coming into a new chapter of your life. Hmmm. I started to see how maybe this “break” was a much bigger deal than I realized. But I quickly passed over the card and decided I needed to work on my gratitude practice and get some blood work done instead.
The next day I shuffled the cards and asked, “why am I so uncomfortable?” I pulled the Initiation Card again.
I put it back in and reshuffled and asked, “what is on the other side of this?”. Initiation card.
The next day I asked “what should I do to feel better in my body?” Initiation Card. JEEZ.
So I gave a deck to a friend to see if the cards were folded or rigged, she didn’t pull the initiation card.
I shuffled the deck and asked again, “What is this initiation about?”. Initiation Card!
I pulled it 7 times in 5 days. I was paying attention now.
In the past, my initiations have come in external ways like extreme sickness, back to back pregnancies or losing a ton of money. This time, nothing outside of me was falling apart, so I wasn’t attuned to the invitation at hand.
I sat in silence many mornings after pulling that card 7 times and asked my soul, what is this initiation about? What kept coming through was this this time wasn’t a “break”, but a gateway into a completely new way of being. I am moving from one large chapter of my life to the beginning of another. And in this transition, in this in between, I am being called to unburden myself of past patterns, resentments, beliefs and habits so I can go into the next season clear, grounded and whole so I can serve and grow at the highest level of myself.
So here I am, wishing I felt all relaxed and blissed out but actually feeling like a fat grumpy troll.
I tuned into the wisdom of the seasons to realize that we can’t jump from one season to another without going through the ugly transition. Think about November when everything is brown and barren but we haven’t been blanketed with the beauty of snow yet. Or think about April when everything is muddy and gross and there’s dead stuff everywhere that we need to clean up from the previous season.
I’m in this gross, dirty, uncomfortable, muddy season, and I just want to get on with it. When you’re in the mud, it’s so hard to see that you are in a magical process. You feel anything but magical. But I kept tuning into my soul and asked for direction. What do I do today? Who should I reach out to for support? What am I being called to learn? What do I need to let go of?
Every day has been a different lesson from healing movement resistance, processing resentment, unhooking myself from social media addiction, looking at the role of alcohol, sugar and caffeine in my life, looking at my relationship to time and recalibrating my goals. It feels like I’m dumping a lot of past emotional baggage and fine tuning my system so I can be in even better alignment with who I am becoming. (I will spend some time writing about this in greater detail in the coming months.)
The season I’m leaving behind has been beautiful in so many ways. I have become a mother to three incredible people, I opened Hawthorn Farm Retreat and witnessed my husband come alive in his own work in the world and really show up for the party of living a big, magical, soul centered life. And there was a lot of pushing. Pushing to financially provide. Pushing out three babies. Pushing to stay relevant. Pushing to buy our home…. Pushing isn’t always bad. It showed me how strong I am. I feel resilient. I developed grit. It was a season a pushing. And it worked.
But that season is over. I am done having babies, I am no longer the primary breadwinner and primary parent, I live in my forever home, I don’t need to continue to push for no reason.
I am entering a season of allowing. Creativity. Connection. And BIG MAGIC.
Although the future isn’t clear, I can feel it like I know spring is just under the ground right now. Although I don’t know where I will be, I know I will look back on this part of my life and realize this is when everything changed. I can feel it.
And for now I am in the mud, asking for direction each day and showing up for this initiation the best I can.
Here’s what I want you to know: just because your life is perfect, doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t continue to grow. And growth is uncomfortable. Your life is here to hold you in your expansion, not BE your expanasion. And pay attention to the times you’re stuck in the mud, it could be the time when everything changed. Sit down, close your eyes and tune in to what is being asked of you. Again and again and again.
Simple actions to take your life back, know your worth & feel alive no matter how drained, overwhelmed and far gone you feel.