I used to feel like the worst Mom. I had a short fuse, I couldn’t spend extended time with my kids. Family vacations were torturous. But worst of all, I didn’t feel like I loved my kids as much as other women did. And that made me wilt with shame and embarrassment. What kind of monster was I?
Two years ago we made a lot of changes in our life when Jonathan graduated from residency and completed his 11 years of training. He started making a great salary and was home for dinner every night. We moved to the country, got more space, and I have my parents close by.
When we lived in San Francisco I was alone in every sense of the word. I had to financially provide and Jonathan was only around Saturday and Sunday afternoon. Worse, I felt misunderstood and under appreciated by him and we fought almost daily. We had no family around and had endless nanny issues. I was deeply deeply miserable.
But I thought being a good mom was an innate skill that existed separately from the rest of my life, and even that was broken.
When we moved, and I started getting support in so many areas, I started to feel like a good mom. My heart started to open and I felt that overwhelming love I’d been hearing about my whole life.
I didn’t think I was baby person, but after having Hazel in this new life I now know I’M OBSESSED WITH BABIES! She turned ONE on Saturday. And I’m so emotional about it.
I finally I saw that I was under too much pressure and stress in my old life to let my fullest potential come out.
Here’s what I need you to know: you aren’t broken, our world is, and what is expected of us even in the most privileged situations is insane. And even when it’s obvious that our lives are a mess, we are still trained to blame ourselves. No more. I need you to see that you are amazing, it’s just the situation you’re in that’s so hard.
What each woman needs to feel supported is different. Being the primary breadwinner may not stress you out. Being alone with your kids may not stress you out, but what does feel like too much? What changes would make you feel relaxed? Like you can breathe?
And I know what you’re thinking, “but I can’t change this Sarah. This is what I’ve got.”
I’ve seen women with the most impossible situations make huge changes. In Whole Woman I am constantly hearing stories of women who
– fought for better work hours
– had miracles happen in real estate
– have finally been honest with their partners and watched them turn into a different person, the person they really needed
– have found FREE childcare because the 75 year old woman nextdoor just adores babysitting and doesn’t want any money
The first step is to know what you need.
So what do YOU need to make things easier for yourself? What do you need for support? Tell me in the comments here.
P.S Here are a few photos from our little birthday party for Hazel. I’m so proud of the cake I made! Gluten, Milk & Sugar free and tasted pretty good! All photos are by Jenny Moloney.