04
Aug 2016

So angry…

I’ve been sitting on my office floor with crystals and cards strewn about, wondering what to write to you about, so I’m just going to give you “the report”.  The truth is that I feel like I’ve stepped into a new chapter of my life – I’ve been taking better care of my body, finding a deeper love with her than we’ve ever experienced. This is the longest I haven’t been pregnant in three years, as my babies came to me very close together, so every day I am feeling the freedom of more balanced hormones and (ever so slightly) less dependent children. I am enjoying a new sense of mastery in my work in Live More Weigh Less that only the passage of time can gift.  I feel a deep sense of contentment, acceptance and grounding.  And I am deeply, deeply grateful for this feeling because just a few weeks ago I was really f**king angry.

As I’m sure you’ve heard me complain about before, my husband Jonathan is currently in a six year urology residency which has followed 5 years in medical school.  Since we met in college, I’ve been on this rigorous ride.  This past year Jonathan did a year of integrative medicine research and was around all the time; it was amazing.  And on June 18th he went back into the grind to finish his last year.  He’s had 3 days off in the past six weeks and other than that he is working or on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

For the first two weeks I just pretended he was dead.  I made my own plans, ignored that he needed to eat dinner when he got home, took care of all the kids’ needs and didn’t give much to report at night.

The third week I silently stewed, listing off every inconvenience and “woe is me” item I could think of in my head.  I play the victim really well.

The fourth week, I raged.  I raged about the loneliness of being alone with the kids every single morning, when they get up at 6:30 on a good day, 5:45 on a bad one.  I raged about needing to pay for our lives and the ridiculousness that a resident’s salary doesn’t even cover our rent (they are actually doctors you know).  I raged about him not appreciating me enough.  I raged that he doesn’t have a perfectly laid out plan for the rest of his 30 year career.  I yelled and cried and punched pillows and felt completely and utterly boxed in.  

And then I couldn’t believe it had only been a month, the longest month of my life and we had eleven more.  I couldn’t continue like this. The anger was killing me, it made Jonathan feel unsupported and the kids uneasy.  

All I could see was all the injustice around me, but when I took a step back, I was the one creating the suffering.  

I dug deep and started the origin of all healing: choice.

I had a choice.  We always do.  Did I want Jonathan to do this last year of residency or not?

It would be easy for me to say he has to do this, but the truth is that he could quit, any time.

But then I thought… I want him to be a doctor, and quitting would mean that he wouldn’t be board certified or have the training he needed.  I know he will have a lifetime of job security and most importantly, that man is meant to be a doctor.  I’ve never met someone with a bigger heart, more drive or the need for so little sleep.  

So I decided that I wanted him to stay in residency. This may seem like an obvious choice, but being IN CHOICE around it gave me so much space for healing.

After choice comes: What’s in it for me?  What am I meant to learn here?  

This one came easily to me now that the anger and victimization were gone.  This year is all about Motherhood and Money.

Motherhood in learning to be present, understanding how I want to parent and the specific lessons my kids and I are here to teach each other.

Money is so, so, so tricky.  I’ve been good at making it, but terrible at being in relationship with it.  It makes me uncomfortable, pissy, overwhelmed and shaky.  I just want out of money, so I dreamed about the day when I didn’t have to deal with it any more, when Jonathan could just handle everything and I could do my work for fun and sure, make money, but just have it to spend on fun things like throw pillows and pretty dresses.  It’s like being married to Prince Charming when he’s still a frog and just waiting for the day he gets his castle so I can start my glass slipper collection instead of paying rent.  

But then I woke up.  My issues with money have nothing to do with who’s making it, it has everything to do with my own learning edge and relationship to money.  I realized that if I didn’t clean up my stuff I was going to project the fear and overwhelm right onto Jonathan when we start sharing the load.

Next, I got to work. I read Soul of Money, The Art of Money and Getting to 50/50.  I journaled, talked it out, prayed and meditated.  I’m learning so much.  I’m learning I’m not alone even when I feel alone. I’m learning the power of gratitude. I’m learning to appreciate Jonathan for the incredible work that he does. I’m learning to be with the noise, emotions and poop that motherhood brings.  I’m learning that Jonathan does so much for us in the little time he has. I’m learning that space is my highest currency right now.

So I’m wondering, are you angry?  If so, great.  Scream and cry and punch pillows. Get out those emotions because if they stay in your body it will cause resentment and disease and extra weight.  When you are empty and drained from all of the crying, remember you have a choice. The choice is always very, very, very hard, and never feels like a choice at all, but you have one, make it. Then ask, what’s in it for you? What are you meant to learn?  How could this terrible week, year or life be the exact, perfect thing your soul needs to be truly happy?  Show up for the big lesson and get.to.work. Get a book recommendation, talk to someone who’s been through this, go to therapy, hire a coach, join a program like Live More Weigh Less and show up for the lesson every day.  Before you know it, you’ll feel grounded, content and comfy, even though life looks exactly the same as it did when this all started.

Love,

Sarah

P.S. I’d love to hear what you’re angry about in the comments below and any clarity of choice or lesson that comes up with a result.  And please send this to a friend who’s on this journey with you, we need each other.

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  • Dearest Sarah,
    I hear you. I am a Family Physician and have left my sweet husband at home lonely and missing me many times in my professional life. It takes a very strong and special person to be the spouse of a doctor.
    Also, I have been following your work and YOU ARE AMAZING!
    love,
    Shari

    • Hi Shari, Thank you for your kind words- they are very appreciated. Sending gratitude for what YOU do. xo

  • Heather

    Hi! I am sitting in my cubicle at work with tears in my eyes because I am feeling the man of my dreams slipping away. I meant him on fluke chance of going on a dating sight, we clicked instantly. We live two hours away, so talked for hours on the phone. After spending the 4th of July together, he stopped calling me and decided long distance will not work for him. He will not accept a phone call. I am angry I hurt so much and can’t seem to let go and move on. I am angry because so many other single moms can find a partner and I can’t no matter how hard I try, or how open I am. I am angry that I am blaming myself and trying endless to figure out what is wrong with me. ?

    • Sending you a hug, Heather. Just so you know- there is NOTHING wrong with you. Be angry and then sad and whatever you need to release it from your body. You’ve got this! xo

  • Sarah:
    I just went through a bout of two weeks of horrific food poisoning (my stomach still surges at the sight of “real” food) and know your seething vibes well. I cry at the drop of a hat, grins just haven’t been in my repertoire, not to mention laughter, lightheartedness, or jokes for these miserable going on fifteen days. I hate Chipolte (veggie brown rice burrito did the trick.) I am furious with all of my friends who didn’t hear my woeful cries of help (ok, to be fair, I said I had everything I needed) and steaming about the fact that I can’t leave the house without doning Depends.
    Then the shift happened. I started to think about people with chronic pain, who suffer all the time, every day, with no end in sight. As I drop my weight, feel the surge of my guts rise and fall, I wonder how many within a mile radius of me, have discomfort/pain/suffering going on?
    I sit, send out Tonglin (a wondrous Pema Chodron method of mindfulness generosity) to my Sorry Self, then those I know already who are suffering in some way. The waves of kindness, warmth, love, commitment, fly around the city, embracing those who need a smile, kind word, surprise card in the mail, a gift, a song, a hug. I think of my community of Sufferers, around the world, and send roots of peace from the soles of my feet to the center of the earth and outward with Grace and Speed.And then it all comes back around again to me. I feel the LOVE!
    Thanks for this reminder, and a chance to voice my sentiments on another platform (see my blog!)
    Cheers,
    Paula

    • Hi Paula- oh how I love this tool- I sit and the waves of kindness! Thank you for sharing. xo

      • Athanasia

        Thank you for sending out those vibes, Paula. I am a chronic pain sufferer and not many people get it. I look fine, I speak well, I go to work, so my health must be perfect. There are days when all I want in the world is one hug, so thanks for sending. Hope your food poisoning subsides soon xo

  • Such a great post. My husband has taken the past two years off work to get his bipolar disorder back in balance and the financial strain has been harder than I expected emotionally. It was such a change of pace from us both having full time jobs. If I only think I have the stamina for one book would you recommend Art of Money or Soul of Money to start reaching a more peaceful place about finances?

  • I’m mad because my husband is unemployed. He wasn’t told when his last day was…we found two weeks after. I am fearful of the future. I’m hurting all the time. I’m a min of 3 special needs kids and their routine is all thrown up in the air…..but today I wrote on my blog…today I will be active to get the fears out of mind for a few minutes..today I will smile for my children.

    • Hi Nikki, Thank you for showing up and being so courageous. I know you have some challenges in your life- but I also know that when you see them differently- you will see the light shine upon them just like your did today. xo

  • This post came at such a good time! It’s been a rough few months between my boyfriend & I for a number of reasons & you reminded me it’s my choice I either stay & stop raging or leave. The tough part for me is figuring out what I’m meant to learn. Not even sure how to figure out that …

    • Hi Liz, listen to your intuition and feel into what you want- what you desire. Sending you love- xo

  • Becky

    Sarah, you truly have a beautiful way of words and in creating a powerful, authentic message. This was just what I needed to hear right now. Thank you. I am angry that we chose lifestyle over high-paying jobs and now we are money-strapped. But, it was truly our CHOICE and I need to remember to be grateful that we have more time together, my husband, kids and I. Thank you.

    • Hi Becky- I’m so glad you can see the positive aspect of the choice you made and feel in your heart that it was a great decision for you and your family. Thank you for connecting! xo

  • Angie

    I understand this completely! I’ve been also been feeling angry, sad, lonely, and overehelmed because of the summer with my kids and my newer baby, also just turning 40. I find balance to be so difficult and I always want to be successful, but then get overwhelmed with all of the things that go with that.

    • Hi Angie- thank you for sharing where you are in your life. Take time to get out in nature or just breathe- even for 5 minutes. You’ve got this! xo

  • Erika

    I’m angry about not losing weight after I had my first child. I was always told, “if you breastfeed the weight will just fall off”…so not true! I breastfed my daughter for 3 months before I started working and actually gained weight instead of losing.
    Just to give you a little insight – I was sick my entire pregnancy. I couldn’t hardly eat or drink anything without it coming up right after…not even water. So, in my mind I knew that I wouldn’t have any problem getting back into my pre-pregnancy clothes or workout regimen. I also thought I was going to have a vaginal birth, however I had to have a C-section which made recovery even harder for me.
    Fast-forward,It has been 8 months, almost 9, since I’ve had my baby daughter and I’m huge and still appear to be pregnant. I still can’t wear any of my clothes or shoes (I have very nice heels,smh). I feel like I’m a middle aged grandma instead of a vibrate new mom.
    I can’t help to beat myself up because why can’t I just jump back into my regimen that I had before my daughter? It was months before I could do normal things that people take for granted like kneel on the floor due to the c-section. Only a couple of weeks ago I just started with low impact exercises. I used to run and knockout weight training sessions like a champ! Now look at me.
    I’m angry! I don’t feel a bit sexy for my husband anymore and hate looking in the mirror.

    • Hi Erika, I’m so glad you are here and reading this. Try and bring some gentle love and care to yourself- everyone is different and we all experience giving birth (and life) differently. Know where you are is just exactly perfect. Check out my other posts on being a mom and keep me posted! Sending you a hug- xo

  • Karon

    Sarah:
    I am angry that my husband of 17 years moved out and left me to take care of our 4 boys. I am sad that I failed at marriage. I am furious that he has moved on and now has a busty blond giggling and flirting with him around my teenage and pre-teen boys. I am furious and also dumbfounded that he can invite her to live with him before we were even divorced.
    At the same time, I can look with gratitude at this new season of my life. By leaving he gave me the time and space to heal from childhood abuse. I can devote time to raising my boys and taking care of myself. After reading this post, I wonder if I need to spend more time expressing my anger until I am spent and then fill myself with gratitude and hope for my future.
    Thank you for sharing how you are really feeling.

    • Hi Karon, I’m glad this resonates with you and that it is helping you express your feelings and then fill yourself up with positive ones. Thank you! xo

  • Gwendolyn

    Wow, this was written for me. What am I angry about? My husband is in the last 6 months of his PhD program, he was supposed to be done in June. In order for him to do this PhD program we (myself, daughter, and husband) moved 6 hours away, I lost my job and income, and lost my friendships. Moving was hard, my career options in my new town uninteresting, not plentiful, and paid 1/2 of what I made in the Bay Area. We have been here 7 years now. For 7 years I have been lonely, lacking female friendships for a variety of reasons that are to complicated to explain in this post, and going in and out of depression. In March of this year when my husband told me we would have to stay through December I freaked out. I yelled, kicked, screamed, gave the silent treatment like nobody’s business. Then I let it go and I pretended that I was ok and told myself over and over “I can do this”. Then in June my daughter who was supposed to go to college this year told me she wasn’t going to go, this added stress to my already full plate and I continued to say “I can do this” over and over in my head hoping that it would stick. In early July I went to visit my mom for 2 weeks. During these two weeks I was the happiest I had been in the past 7 years. I felt whole, connected, alive. After 2 weeks my daughter and husband were begging me to return. I came home and on that drive home I cried my eyes out. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of returning. When I got home my daughter was out with friends, I didn’t see her until the following evening, and my husband gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and ran out the door to go to a guys night poker game. I was alone, lonely, and feeling so stuck. I lost my shit that night and cried myself to sleep. A couple of weeks passed and I told my husband I was going to go back to my moms. That day our 2nd car broke down and could not leave with the working car because…well…we all needed the car. I went crazy on my husband. It was world war 3 in our house with me screaming, blaming, and crying. I ended up crying, stopping, then crying again for hours. At one point I was even just eating a snack and I was overcome with sadness with no clear reason and I cried. The next day I sat down and thought through what my options were. Like you I realized I wanted my husband to finish his PhD. I also wanted freedom from where I live and this feeling of being stuck. To better clarify, I wanted to start my business, I wanted to start investing in friendships in our new town (where we are moving when this PhD is done), I wanted to quit my crappy job, I wanted to transition my relationship with my daughter to better guide her to being more independent and not stuck in high school mode, and I wanted to work on improving my connection with myself and my husband. This concept of choice is one of the most important things I have learned in my life and I have you to credit for it. You are right in that we might not like our options but it is important to realize that we have choices. Thank you for writing this!

    • Hi Gwendolyn- thank you for sharing your truth. Choice is so empowering and it truly invites us to be an active participant in our own lives. Kepe me posted on what’s going on for you. xo

  • Amanda

    Man, this was a good one. I honestly hadn’t considered that I was mad about my “lack of choices” until I read this. I feel like I’ve spent a really long time being more concerned with how the choices I make affect those in my life than myself. Which they do affect those around me, obviously, but I never fully respected how they affect me too. I am making decisions based on “Is this going to be okay for them?” and “But if I do this, they’ll be inconvenienced.” and not saying “What is it that I want?” I do, in fact, have choices and pretending like I don’t is a disservice. I try to practice gratitude every time I think of it but this was a great reminder, to be grateful I have a choice. One can be angry about how their life unfolds when they aren’t choosing consciously, or recognize the choices presented to you and go with one. It may be right, it may not, it may lead to much more. Best of luck to you this year, Sarah. We’re all in this together.

    • So true- we definitely are in this together. It feels so good when we start to own our choices. Thank you for sharing! xo

  • Thank you for that lovely message. I definitely needed to hear it in general and in specific levels. I am struggling with my relationship with money and I am at a crossroads in my life where I have decided or rather I made the choice to face it and deal with it and do.the.work! I got those books you offered, so thank you for that. You mentioned 50/50 in your coaching call too so I was really excited about that one. I agree with you that you feel so much lighter the minute you accept that the choice is yours. As soon as you refuse helplessness, you have so much power, it’s unbelievable. We can never change was have no control over so why focus on that. Better to focus on all the things we can fix, we can heal, we can build, and there are so many. Thank you. Great post.

    • Yesss! You literally start to weigh less once we start taking back our choices and empowering ourselves. Thank you for being so open and sharing! xo

  • I love getting your emails, Sarah but this one really resonated with me! I’ve been getting stuck in anger over comparing my life, business, where I’m at with other success stories I constantly see on the internet. Basically compare and despair and it’s been really painful.
    Working on staying in gratitude and trusting that I’m always in the right place at the right time. Going to check out those books you recommended now!
    Thanks!,
    Carla xo

    • Hey Carla- glad this spoke to you and is inspiring you to trust the universe has a plan far greater than you know! xo

  • Karen Hathaway

    Sarah — LOVE this blog and story. I so resonate with this, even though I”‘ close to 70, getting divorced after 8 years and had given him all my assets to start a biz he is passionate about. Silly me — but wait! I’ve learned to make choices (and am still learning…!!!), and am moving forward having learned so very much about myself. Now to loose the weight.

    I worked through “Money a Love Story” (by Kate Northrup) last year and it really opened my eyes to my habits (good and not-so-good) around my relationship with money and those I live with in that sphere. Kate and you have such value to bring. Thank you!

    • That’s great, Karen. It’s so important to bring that awareness and start from there. I just love Kate- she is amazing. Thank you for sharing your story! xo

  • Amanda

    I have been recently experiencing something similar to your feelings. I think we all do at some point, well let’s be honest, points in our lives. I am a new mommy trying to figure it all out day by day. I have a husband looking to me for all of the parenting answers and I can’t help but feel this constant pressure. “You have been a parent the same amount of time I have! I know just as much as you do!” Going back to work was so hard. I constantly want to be at home with her but financially cannot make that happen right now. It’s comforting to read other people’s struggles. It takes my giant daily tsunami and reminds me that it’s just a drop in the ocean. Everyone is going through something and that is oddly comforting. So thank you for your blog and the daily “realness” of your life.

    • Absolutely, Amanda. Be sure and take some time for yourself as well so you can show up authentically for others in your life. Sending you a hug!

  • Christina

    Hi Sarah,

    I love you so much❤️
    Your vulnerability, awareness, gratitude, willingness to share, commitment to yourself, all of it.

    You hit on something today that I have been ignoring for a while. Thank you for cracking it open for me. I am not an angry person. More the type to be depressed and blame myself.

    But as I sit here I realize for the past few months I have been angry. What I am also realizing it that this anger is covering up some pretty vulnerable places inside me that are terrified to show their face.

    I am angry at my daughter’s father for not taking responsibility, angry at my mother for always depending on me, angry at my boyfriend for not loving me the way I want him to, and deeply angry at myself for oh so many things.

    It is disturbing my sleep, causing a yuck feeling in my tummy, and a limiting my vision. I am scared. That’s it. I am effing terrified.

    I am scared my passion and purpose will not be enough to support me, I am scared that I am not worthy of the love I desire, I am scared I will never be able to have friends in my life that flow in my expansive mindset. (Although I know it doesn’t sound like I have one right now;)

    I have honestly been feeling like throwing my things in storage, scooping up my daughter, and running away to a cheap sunny place to figure it all out.
    But fleeing also holds a price…

    I am a pro at helping parents set healthy boundaries with their children. I can hold space for others so easily. But when it comes to myself, for some reason I am diving in to explore now, I don’t value myself the same way. And it’s beginning to piss me off. So a new chapter of inner work begins.

    I am also realizing here how much I am craving inspiring women in my life. I need girlfriends!! I lost most of my friends when I had a baby 5 years ago and as an entrepreneur (as in sure you know) I am craving much different relationships that I held before.

    Thank you for listening!
    Thank you for showing up and creating space for me to hear my heart.
    I know I have a choice to live through the lense of love or the lense of fear.
    I choose love ❤️

    • Thank you for sharing your journey and for allowing yourself to become aware of what’s happening and to be open to more healing. xo

  • Kriss

    Wow……this was such a powerful post. I joined your LMWL and have totally struggled through the whole process up to this point, I was feeling so angry towards myself on my drive to work today that I again am failing. What I realized while reading your post is that I have been hanging onto HUGE anger issues and defeating myself with negativity at EVERY turn. I am totally fighting my life right now rather than embracing it. Too afraid to reach out on facebook, too afraid to send an email your way and say ~HELP~ too confused in my own past shit that I am allowing myself to suffer and then feel self righteous in the behavior because my life isn’t what I thought it would be right now. Have to admit I didn’t even join in on the phone call this week because I didn’t want to hear what the other “successful” woman were doing during their adventure week……yep, my anger is holding me back….my fear and resentment towards my past & uncertainty towards my future. I even viewed you as this totally put together 100% of the time woman with a perfect blend of work/play/romance. I wanted to be like you and like every other woman in the program (and probably the entire world). Then I read this and it was an eye opener. Sarah you made me open my eyes totally. I am responsible for my health & happiness. I own my emotions, I choose my reactions. My boyfriend, friends, job even youre program are tools for me to create my own magic. Thank you for being so real & honest. Most of the internet is just pretty pictures and smoke. You show true life and put yourself out there with apology and its amazing. Thank you!!!!!!!!! I needed my true wake up, Now forward and eyes open ~Kriss~

    • Kriss- this is beautiful and so are you! I’m so glad this resonated with you and inspires you to dive deep. xo

  • robynne

    sarah,
    its funny that you mention money today of all days. i have been on a money journey i feel since april when a friend told me about this book she was reading and looking at her debt. so i couldnt find the book but i got the first 5 chapters online and did all the work. so i wrote out all my spending and bills and debt it was eye opening and i have been slowly away of what i was doing wrong or not wrong but where things needed to change. last month something shifted in a huge way. for the past 7 months dealing with my parents and their financial mess i finally reached a point where i was like enough is enough i DO NOT want to end up where my parents are when im 60. so i went to the library to look at budget/finance/money books and out pops ‘money a love story by kate northrup’ i remember seeing on your blog or somewhere so i picked it and went home and devoured it, then i read another book suggested in the book rich dad poor dad, and then i read a book for young women on money and stuff. i am readying as much as possible and learning so much. i want to change my situation in life i want a better life for myself. i have placed a hold on the art of money at the library and am patiently waiting. but this post came at such a good time because i feel like over the last month i’ve done so much growing and looking and learning but nothing seems to be giving even just a little and i feel like giving up. but you should me that i have a choice and i will continue to read and learn, do the exercises in the books, keep my money gratitude jar, using my money app (mint) and looking at why i am the way i am with my money. i have one question though through all this i have learned that the thing i tend to spend most of my money on that could be going to other things is FOOD! yep food ice cream, candy, coffee shop visits, cake, bread ect. and i have looked at my childhood and see that food was used as a reward for good behaviour and thats still what i’m doing how do i stop that cycle i know that if i could get that i could change how i spend. i would love to do LMWL as i’ve been following you since i think 2012 when you did your first 28 day challenge but money is not even an option at the moment since i don’t even know if i can make rent this month. so thank you for the post it was needed and i will journal about choice thank you

  • Hi Sarah! As always a beautifully honest post that’s so relatable. I love hearing your more connected with your body than ever before and your message of choice. There are a few things in my life that really burn me up, fertility woes and the medicinal community (minus some great ones like Jonathan) going toward invasive treatments like IVF without nuturing the soul of the women and the her unborn. What I’ve choose over the past challenging years to be become an advocate for my health and well-being. I’ve seek healers, amazing teachers (like you) and naturopaths that give me peace. I also have chosen to trust the process knowing life is happening for me not against me. Our struggles are amazing opportunities for self-reflection and growth. Thanks again for your amazing work and totally going to revisit the LMM visualizations this week. xo

  • Sherlita

    Hi Sarah,

    Loved the blog! I have so much to say about being angry, but at the end of the day it’s not worth it, I will say I have been angry about many things for a long time, One being why is my life not where I thought it would be, And why like Heather, I can’t seem to have someone special in my life, and why in the hell did I gain 20 more pounds this year.But at the end of each day I tell the higher power, thanks for another day to turn it all around, and I feel less angry…

    Love,
    Sherlita

  • Sarah Lange

    What am I angry about? Hmmm… this is a good one. I actually just got back from an intense 10-day women’s retreat in Peru, where we spent the entire time working.our.asses.OFF, digging deep, deep, deep to identify the issues that needed to come up for cleansing and healing. What I found is that despite many, many years of 12-step meetings, therapy, coaching and non-stop self-development, I was still hanging on to a LOT of anger towards my parents. You see, my mother was a raging alcoholic. And I mean that literally. When she drank, you never knew if the Rage Monster was going to show up. We got beaten, verbally abused, neglected and on several occassions, had our lives threatened. My father knew what was going on, yet did nothing to stop it. So you can see why I was angry! I thought I’d let it all go, but I hadn’t. And the work I did in Peru was really, really hard, bcs I had to admit that I didn’t really WANT to let it go. But I knew I had to, bcs it was not serving me to do so. So I cried and cried and cried. I forgave. And I dug down and found the gratitude for the lessons they taught me. And ya know what? It feels so very good to have let it go! (And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I lost 15 lbs. after doing so!) So right now, I don’t feel angry, but just a few weeks ago… Whoa, mama!

  • Cadia

    Thank you for this post! I’m a solo Mum and have been putting myself through a science degree for most of my daughters life. I’ve felt like I’ve just been treading water, watching everyone else have a life and waiting for the day mine can start.
    What a waste! Someone told me I might look back and miss this time in my life and they’re right. How lucky am I that I get to drop off and pick up my daughter from school every day? I live in a lovely home that I can afford and I don’t need to sit in traffic every day or work nights. I don’t have the distraction of a relationship, I can focus on my study and my daughter. And at the end of this semester we can go wherever life takes us! For now, I can just breathe and enjoy my world being smaller and slower.
    It feels so much nicer to find gratitude for what we have instead of resentment for what we don’t doesn’t it.
    Thank you!

  • Kyriaki

    Dear Sarah
    I dont usually read your blogs, but something made me read your blog today. WOW. Im feeling similar with my husband changing to nightshift and Im left to look after the kids. Im trying to see the positives in it. So far its 1) I come home to dinner cooked and 2) I can finally get the kids to bed early with a decent routine. I have had to bite my tongue this first full week of him working night shift and not complain that Im finding it tough…. cause I know hes probably finding it tougher with the change in sleep cycles and not seeing his kids or me enough.
    I hope that I can focus on enjoying the kids, studying at night when hes not there and seeking out other positives of this period in my life.
    Thank you for your honesty.

    • Thank you for sharing your story- it can be so challenging at times. xoxo

    • Hi Kyriaki, thanks for reading! I’m so glad it resonated with you and that you have found a few ways to reframe things. Keep me posted! xo

  • Jaqueline

    Hi Sarah: I am so angry right now… with my whole life…I have been battling depression for so long… I had lost my job.. I am trying hard to survive, I am not longer on meds, they made more damage than good to me. I had an eight year old boy, who has some issues with anxiety and fears.. I feel so guilty.. I need to try to get ride of this anger.. I will practice what you said… without feeling guilty about these feelings sometimes I feel like my life is just cleaning and cooking and doing everything so my husband that is the one that “work” can see that I am doing something! Also I am helping my sister..he is , she lives overseas and has a disability, so depends on me economicly.. so plus everything is never enough money to at least do something to feel a bit better. Sorry for the winge!
    Love your work

    Jaqueline

    • Hi Jaqueline- I’m glad you are expressing your anger right now. Know that you are not alone and have support here. Sending you some love- xo

  • Danielle

    My husband is in the ARMY and deploys for an entire year at a time. I have had a baby at home with him witnessing on Skype. I have been left on Oahu with two under the age of two. No family. No friends. A foreign land. Boy do I know the feeling of doing it absolutely alone and isolated. He follows his dreams though. So I endure. We always endure. Don’t we? ?

    • Wow! You are so very strong and such a great reminder about the strength within us all. Thank you for sharing your story. xo

  • Brooke

    This resonated with me so much. My husband gave up a safe, steady job to return to his family farm about three years ago. I waver back and forth like a pendulum between a place of feeling proud of him for following his dreams and wanting to kill him for the strain that debt, my having to return to full time work outside of the home and, most importantly, the lack of time with him causes. I’ll bet I’ll be revisiting your post many times as we approach the harvest busy season!

    • Hi Brooke- it can be challenging for sure, but it’s so worth it to let it out and process. You’re doing an amazing thing! xo

  • Lisa

    I Am ANGRY!! There are so many things I am angry about . I’m about to be 41 and dread getting up everyday. I am angry that I am in a dead end job and have let it go on for 16 years. I work with my husband and I know it has killed our relationship. I want out but with the debt we have there is no way possible to just up and quit. I am angry that I lost 120 lbs and have gained back 65 in the last year by letting negative and depression take back over. This is not where I wanted my life to be. I cannot get rid of this feeling of hopelessness no matter how many self love help books I read. I know I should be thankful for the many things I have and my two grown kids and three grandkids but I just can’t find happiness anymore and it makes me so darn angry!! I could go on and on but really there is no use I do enjoy reading your blogs and posts so thanks Sarah for those. I pray that one day I can find the peace and happiness you speak of.

    • Hi Lisa- thank you for your reply. I understand what you are feeling and I would invite you to try the tools I mentioned to start with to help you reframe some thoughts and feelings. Keep me posted! xo

  • Brenda Woodward

    My husband has Aspergers, something that has recently been diagnosed. When I met him in our early twenties, I just thought he had some social quirks. Now 9 years and 2 kids later, he is in the same mental place as when I met him and I feel as if I have a third child as opposed to a partner. To top it off, he has been unemployed for the past 2.5 years and can’t grasp the severity of the situation. Many days I just want to scream, sometimes I cry, but mostly I’ve become numb. His condition won’t change and I guess I’m just going to have to live with it and the man who takes residence in my house.

    • Hi Brenda- this sounds challenging for you BUT I invite you to ask for support from friends, family, or even a therapist for yourself. There are so many helpful groups out there. Thank you so much for connecting- sending you love.

  • Alison

    Thank you for sharing this!
    I’m sure like so many other women, I often feel I need to be tough, I need to be OK, and I need to love my life.. And mostly this is true but sometimes I get tired of being the breadwinner and the nurturer, I get angry, and resentful that I married the entrepreneur who gets to live a dream while I need to be the stable provider in a community full of stay at home moms. Women who get be there for the important moments while I’m at work missing the firsts of my baby girls life. But after the anger I feel proud that my girl bursts with smiles when I get home, and that I CAN support my family. Still sometimes it’s hard to give the negative thoughts their moment & not feel guilty after… So thank you for making it ok to feel & be human & imperfect.

    • It’s always ok to feel human and imperfect! You are doing an amazing job- I’m so glad this touched you. xxo

  • Shelley

    Thank you! My husband is in his 9th year of training and I am tired. Tired of moving (our third to CA after 8 yrs of residency/fellowship), tired of single parenting, tired of being mean mommy…I’ll be hitting some pillows tomorrow, by choice.

    • Yesss- express your anger healthily and it will move that stagnant energy and help you to open yourself up to something else. Thank you for writing!

  • Carolina

    Thank you for this post, Sarah. My husband moved out in June after two years of marked decline in our already not so good relationship. I have kept a lot of anger (along with pain) inside because of the belief that marital issues are private. I got fat and my body is now showing me the damage I did to it with all that anger. I’m working to release all the negative emotions that still fill my heart, both old and new. This post comes at a time when I am learning again to say “Thank you for another day” every morning and go through the day reminding myself of all the things I have to be thankful for. Sure, my marriage didn’t work, but now I strive to see each ending as a new beginning. Thanks for putting your program together. It’s helping me to love myself again!

  • Dana

    I’m amazed at this post and the timeliness(sp?) in my life! I’m angry because I put in the years and poverty and aloneness to get my husband through his schooling and residency (he’s an orthodontist), and we then worked and saved and scrimped when he started making money as an associate so that he could eventually buy his own practice. Well, he did, and we got screwed (all the many ways we were screwed don’t matter here). The last 2 years have been worse than all those many school years put together. And I’ve been making the choice to sit around and stew, to dread getting up in the morning and facing That Place, to see our future as a black hole…BUT, I have the choice to somehow make things different. Thanks for helping me see another path. I’m not sure how to get on it from here, but I suppose a leap will be in order! Thanks for your work. You have wonderful insight.

  • Laurene

    I am angry because my ex married his mistress and it’s her mission to try and take over my life. She schedules what she calls family events on my birthday, Dies her her my color, bought a home near me the same style. Tried to invade my space by getting involved in my dance studio. The list goes on. Why am I angry? I love my kids more than life. She is not their mother but rather a replica of a fake purse. Looks the same on the outside but the insides are are made of cheap quality that doesn’t last. Why am I angry, because I allow her to rent space in my head, to affect my health and to question myself. I’m stuck in this wind tunnel of angst.

    • Hi Laurene, wow- that must be a challenge. I think you being aware of this anger, “her renting space” is a HUGE step to allowing the anger to dissolve and taking right actions towards feeling better. I know it may be difficult, but try to just focus on yourself and your children. Try and place attention and intention on what feels amazing for yourself and them and know that everything is going to be ok. xxo

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