3 ways to celebrate the Spring Equinox
If you, like me, have a long history of feeling like you are in the wrong body, and you’re just waiting for someone to tell you that you’re okay. And if you’ve wanted so badly to be chosen…
This story is for you.
When I was in 5th grade I went to a thing called “social dance” where we learned how to do things like ballroom dance, have impeccable table manners, and walk into a room with my arm perfectly draped through the crook of a boy’s elbow. It was my first real experience with boys that didn’t involve searching for worms on the playground.
At one of the first classes, a boy I’d known since kindergarten who was a dear friend of mine, asked me to dance. Five minutes into the foxtrot, another boy came up to him and “whispered” into his ear, but was deliberately audible enough for me and the five other pairs around us to hear him, said, “I can’t believe you’re dancing with HER” and then in full pantomime, blew up his cheeks, held his hands out in front of him to mimic a big tummy and started to waddle around.
The boys around me giggled, my partner ignored him but went beet red and looked at his feet the rest of the time, in hindsight, it was so brave for him to not laugh with the others.
My whole being and sense of self were crushed. It didn’t help that his mother found out and made him come over to my house and apologize.
I learned at that moment that in order to avoid ridicule and rejection from men, I had to be a thin, pretty girl.
Unfortunately, the constant stress of being rejected by my peers resulted in a raging binge disorder, so I never felt “right” in the world.
I focused on my intelligence, my singing, and my social skills to get me through, and dragged my body around with me like an annoying little sibling.
I loved who I “was”, but I hated my body.
Whenever a boy was interested in me I felt this rush of joy, “this must mean I’m not a disgusting, fat pig!”. The high would last a few days, and then I got to work examining his mental health because I was so confused as to why he would want to be with me.
In college, fueled by liquid confidence, I made out with one or two different people every weekend. If someone would make out with me, I felt like my body was acceptable; if someone didn’t, I made it mean that I was a disgusting, fat pig and would dial up the tuna fish and Red Bull diet.
My entire relationship with my physical self was purely based on other people’s opinions of me. The more people I was making out with, the more special and beautiful I believed I was.
One day in my junior year, I was on my way back to the party from the bathroom when I saw a senior boy I was becoming friends with, sitting on a radiator outside of the party room.
He motioned for me to sit next to him. He looked at me with kind eyes and asked “why do you make out with so many guys?”
I was shocked at his bluntness, and without thinking I was just brutally honest.
“Honestly, it makes me feel wanted, and pretty.”
“Well, I don’t think you should have to make out with people in order to feel special or beautiful because you’re a really amazing person. You have to know that for yourself. Don’t let guys determine how you feel about yourself.”
And then he just got up and walked away.
I see this in women all the time. We make our own decisions about our personality, our wisdom, and our talents, but we let our culture make decisions about whether our bodies are good or bad. We drag them around like a ball and chain, trying our best to ignore that they even exist, but secretly just waiting for someone to love our bodies enough that we are convinced that our bodies are lovable.
The most profound journey of my life has been reclaiming my body as MINE. It’s my home, it’s my Temple, it’s my masterpiece. Claiming my body as mine has meant that I take way better care of it now than I ever had before. I radically prioritize my health and well-being. I dress to fully express who I am. My body is for me.
P.S. That boy from the radiator? He’s my husband now ❤️.
P.S.S. In my Radiance program, we are radically reclaiming your body as yours. We will be going through a deep immersive journey to cultivate vitality, sacred beauty, and feminine power. But not for anybody else’s acceptance or benefit, purely to support your own incredible experience of being alive. If you’re interested in working with me in this way, I would be honored to have you. We start March 1 and all of the details are here.
Simple actions to take your life back, know your worth & feel alive no matter how drained, overwhelmed and far gone you feel.