I Walked In and Just Lost It…

I’m just back from spending a week at our cottage in the Georgian Bay. When I walked into the house and saw the old rocking chairs on the porch and smelled that familiar mixture of cedar closets & mothballs I broke down. I had missed it so much after being away for three years. My parents sold our childhood home when we all left for college, so this is the place that still holds threads to my childhood.

The first two days were spent reuniting with all the quirks of the 120-year-old cabin and getting into the rhythm of life there, and then I realized I was feeling a little down.

I was frustrated because I had been so excited to come, the kids were incredibly happy, and I was having a great visit with my parents and brother, so wtf was up with me?

I started thinking about the last time I was there – July 2019.

• Hazel was 1.
• I felt awful in my body.
• I was stuck in patterns of overgiving and saying yes to everyone even though I was exhausted.
• I still felt like I had to temper my magical self to be more “relatable” in my work.
• I had 1 program I charged $35 a month for.
• Jonathan and I were fine, but a bit flat.
• I felt trapped in motherhood and was so overwhelmed with having 3 under 4.
• I didn’t know if I even really meant to be successful, alive, and beautiful, or if I just needed to get more comfortable being “meh”.

Our environment has a way of triggering old memories and feelings, and being at the cottage was bringing me right back to that time, and if we’re not careful, we can be constantly pulled back into our old patterns of feeling flat and down.

I took a moment under the stars one night to remember who I was and all the ways my life has changed in the past 3 years. I went into this a bit more in this video I made on my bedroom floor last week.

I asked myself – what was it that had my life change so much? Was it a turning point? Gradual growth? A mindset shift?

I decided it was a combination of 2 things:

1. A few life-changing personal growth trips and retreats (I go on 2-3 a year).
2. And being more devoted to my Soul’s expression than to other people’s comfort or opinions.

Here’s the thing: my Soul is loud. My soul has big dreams, my soul wants to have a massive impact, my Soul breaks the rules, my Soul wanted a home that was healthy, and that made some people uncomfortable, and I hated making people upset.

I had a moment when I remember choosing between toning it down and f-ing going for it.

I chose to go for it, to not leave anything on the table, to live my life fully expressed — and it’s been the ride of my life.

So I’m curious, babe, on a scale of 1-10, 1 being “toned down” and 10 being your full soul-self, where do you fall?

What would playing full out look like for you?

What do you feel like you need to go full out in your life?

Take some time to journal on this. Happy Moonday love.

Xox Sarah