The Sacred Truth of Friday the 13th
I remember feeling so far away from myself. The powerful, confident, sensual, beautiful, alive woman I used to know was just gone. I felt like she had been replaced by this round, ogre, grumpy troll. I just felt dead inside.
My “enough is enough” point happened when Annabelle was just over a year old, which would make it around this time last year. I felt like I had come out of the postpartum period but still felt empty and lifeless.
I wanted to feel vibrant, confident, beautiful, even sexy. SEXY!? The idea felt so foreign as a mother of 2 young kids with a body that nowhere near resembled my own ideal. But, as you know, I’m not one to settle for flat.
I started with my health, getting acupuncture, taking herbs and eating less gluten, dairy and sugar. I went on two different cleanses and felt my physical life force returning.
I did an intensive with Rachel Rose around divine feminine self care and lifestyle. We created a beautiful morning routine, bathing rituals and explored how my body wanted to be nourished.
A few times I tried to return to the old pre-kids sensuality stand ins: red lipstick, lingerie and little black dresses. I felt like a grown ass woman dressing up as a 16-year old. It just wasn’t me anymore. I had to get acquainted with my new body, my new self.
I learned what she liked to eat, how she liked to be touched. What made her happy, and alive. What was beautiful to her now, and what lit her up.
Every time I dove into an Inquiry, I was pointed to the same place – Nature. But nature in the sense of its magic, power and sensuality. I realized that my whole body is built for the pure pleasure of experiencing nature with all of my senses. And if I’m quiet enough, to hear her wisdom.
The more I spent time meeting this part of myself, this nature/magic loving part of me, the more sensual I became.
If you want to learn specific rituals and practices to connect to the magic of nature, check out my Create A Magical Life Workshop happening tonight in person and online.
Remember, sensual doesn’t always meet sexual, and none of this had to do with sex.
This was about me enjoying being in my body and feeling full of life and beauty.
This transformation of feeling dead inside to filled with life took about 7 months, and when I realized how sovereign and Whole I felt, I knew I needed to capture the essence of this new embodiment, so I did a photoshoot with Melissa Hoffmann.
Melissa and I explored what this sensual part of me wore, where she longed to be and how she expresses herself. The day we did the shoot we went to a waterfall I loved and visited often. She asked me questions and helped me really call forth that sacred, sensual part of me. It wasn’t about posing, but about capturing the full expression of love I felt for my body and spirit. I even surprised myself by getting in the waterfall!
I don’t feel like this all the time, nor do I walk around dressed like this, but this is a side of myself that I try to call on often. And when I can’t, when I’m stuck in “ogre mode” I now have these pictures to remind me of this important part of myself. If you feel called, I can’t recommend working with Melissa enough. You can learn about her work here.
This journey showed me how easy it is to cut off parts of ourselves when we are a mothers. I saw how I could have gone my whole life without reclaiming my sensuality. What a slippery slope! I know this is something I will come back to over and over, as well as to other parts of me like my creative side, my warrior side, my priestess side and more deeply embracing my mother side.
As women, we are all things and I am learning that the more I nurture the sides of me that are the weakest, the stronger the others become.
In the coming months I’m going to be talking more about the importance of reclaiming all parts of ourselves and how to stand firmly in the knowing that your are a Whole Woman.
I’m looking forward to diving in deeper with you.
So much love,
(Photos by Melissa Hoffmann)
Simple actions to take your life back, know your worth & feel alive no matter how drained, overwhelmed and far gone you feel.