“Weighed” A Poem
This post might trigger you. But since I’m more dedicated to my truth than your comfort, I’m going for it.
When I lived by the belief that “nothing was more important than my kids,” I really struggled. Leaving them every morning to take my laptop to a cafe to hustle from 9-5 sent me into a spiral of guilt.
I’m such a terrible mother. They really need me at home. They are going to feel so abandoned. Are they going to go through life feeling unsafe?
Then I’d spend my days doing all of the things a “good business woman” should do. So much adrenaline, anxiety, and pressure pumped through my veins as I designed Facebook ad campaigns and marketing funnels that followed all the rules.
And when it was time to go home, I dreaded the evenings with my kids. I was so tired from work that I felt like the least qualified woman to be a parent.
After weeks of pushing, I’d finally force myself to get a massage and I’d feel so guilty that I was on the table doing something for me instead of wanting to spend time with my kids.
So many “shoulds.”
So much guilt.
So much pushing.
Does this happen to you?
It wasn’t until I invested 6 figures in a huge program launch and didn’t make it back, not to mention I didn’t make the 6 months of living expenses my family was counting on, that I completely lost it.
I wasn’t happy with my business and I wasn’t even making any money.
I wasn’t happy with my kids and I never got to see them.
I wasn’t taking care of myself.
And Jonathan and I were constantly fighting.
All of the sacrifices weren’t paying off.
But I just felt so caught in the spiral and had no idea how to get out.
I started with crying. And crying and crying.
At the bottom of my despair was a message:
What do you want?
Such a simple question…and I had no idea how to answer it.
I had been so caught up in the rules, thinking that if I followed them then I’d make a lot of money, have time for my kids, get the self-care I needed, and would feel rested and bubbly enough to be nice to my husband… but the rules kept me from tuning into what I wanted and what was going to work for ME.
I had damaged the phone line to my soul and the silence I felt when I tried to tune in scared the shit out of me.
I started to notice all the ways I was letting everyone else’s opinion dictate how I lived. I was like a sailboat with no rudder, just being tossed around and capsized with every gust.
So I got help.
I became a Priestess in a Mystery School, did therapy with Jonathan, my son, and solo, and I enlisted Katina Mercadante, a spiritual innovator and strategist. I went to Tulum, Mexico, to reawaken my sensuality, I bathed naked on the cliffs of the Pacific Ocean to meet my soul with Sera Beak. Became a Spirit Weaver, danced naked in the rain with a Brazilian shaman, made a deerskin drum in ceremony with Brook and Shola from The Golden Drum Community, learned sex magic from Achintya Devi of Goddess Rising.
I’ve worked with functional medicine doctors to reach a new level of health I’ve never experienced before and moved from San Francisco back to the land of my ancestors in order to carry out the next season of my work.
And through it all, I realized that my only option is to do whatever I want.
(This is the triggering part.)
I stopped thinking about what my kids wanted.
I stopped thinking about what Jonathan wanted.
I stopped caring about what my clients and audience wanted.
I stopped asking about what my friends and family thought I should do.
All I cared about was what I wanted.
But here’s the cool part…
When I allowed myself to think about how I wanted to spend my days, how I wanted to feel with my kids, how I wanted to mother, the memories I wanted to have with them, what I needed from my marriage, how I wanted to express myself through my work, what my body and soul needed in self-care, travel, spirituality, friendship and fun… I realized that I wasn’t as much of a monster as I thought I was, and I didn’t need a bunch of rules to keep me in line.
As I started to create a life around what I wanted, I saw so many amazing changes…
We’ve been taught that doing what we want will make everyone else worse off. This is a lie to keep women from accessing our power.
Think about it, if we’re running around exhausted and confused about why we’re so miserable, we’ll never challenge the status quo.
So I’m curious, what do you want? If you could just start over, what would be your ideal?
You can have your ideal… Maybe not today, maybe not even this year, but if you start the process of asking, you will wake up one day and have a life that blows your mind because it is in total alignment with your soul.
If you get caught in the lie that having what you want is just for “the lucky ones,” then you’ve written your own sentence.
If you want this to be possible for you or you’re craving a community of women who are standing up and saying, “WHAT I WANT MATTERS!” then I’d love for you to consider joining me in Whole Woman: an online sanctuary and monthly membership to get support in creating a life that is yours.
You can learn all about the program, what’s included, and if it’s right for you here: Whole Woman Enrollment Page.
I really hope we get the opportunity to sink into this new way of living, parenting, and loving together. Please reach out if you have any questions.
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