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Worried You’re Too Fat For Your Partner? (I Get It) Here’s What To Do
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Last week I asked you if you had any questions for me or topics you wanted me to talk about, and I received so many beautiful requests, thank you! I love knowing what you need, and I am here for you. I’m going to try to get through most of them over the next few months. If you have something you want to learn more about, you can just let me know.
The question that hit me like a ton of bricks was, “How can I feel like I’m good enough for my partner despite my weight?”
I have worried about this since the moment I met Jonathan (and every guy before him) and this is something almost all of my clients struggled with, so we talk about it A LOT.
I am happy to report that after years of worrying I wasn’t good enough for Jonathan because of my weight, I no longer feel this way. I have a deep knowing that he is the luckiest man on earth to be with me AND I am also not at my ideal weight right now.
I spent so long thinking I needed to look a certain way in order for our relationship to feel amazing, and now, here I am in a relationship that has never been better in a body that has never been worse, so I know without a doubt that the two are not related. Let me walk you through a few truths on the matter…
- The reason we are programmed to think we are not worthy of our partners because of our weight is that we have attached so many character flaws to our physical state. Subconsciously we believe that if we are overweight we are also lazy, unsexy, stressed out, grumpy, frumpy, masculine, volatile, flat, etc, etc. Now, you may be that way, but that has nothing to do with your weight. Those character traits come from not nurturing the parts of us we want to exude, usually, because we are putting so much energy into trying to lose weight whilst ignoring becoming the person we long to become. Take some time to identify what characteristics you are associating with being overweight and then get real with yourself. Are you actually that way? If so, do you long to be different? How can you put attention to those qualities directly instead of solely focusing on your weight?
- So here’s the deal, not only is it not true that you are unworthy because of your weight, but it’s also not true that you are unworthy because of how you are acting, what is true is that you feel unworthy of your partner has nothing to do with them at all! You feeling unworthy of them just means that you don’t like yourself, or that you are not living up to your potential. It is so easy to project how we are feeling about ourselves onto our partners and blame it on our weight but when we peel back the layers, it just means we aren’t completely in love with ourselves. Let me give you an example. Since having Annabelle I have not felt sexy at all. At first, I went into this whole thing about how because I had gained weight since having Annabelle that Jonathan didn’t think I was sexy. Then I remembered that sexiness comes from within not from how I look so I judged myself for not cultivating my sexiness for my relationship. AND THEN I asked myself if I longed to feel sexier for me. Nope. Here’s the reality, that part of me will come back, and I nurture it a little bit more every day, but I am letting myself sink into this postpartum phase and give it the space it deserves (a blog post for another time). All of this is to say, when you follow the thread back to yourself, you may find you have total acceptance for that part of you, especially when you know there will be a time and place to cultivate it in the future.
- This is the most important one: you are not your body. You have a body, you are not a body. Your partner married a whole, dynamic, multilayered, complicated woman! Saying you are not worthy of your partner because of your weight is like saying you aren’t worthy of your partner because of your shoe size, your hair color, or your ethnicity. I can’t believe my husband married me, I have size 9 feet! Can you imagine? This is the thing I keep coming back to in my relationship right now. I am still me, even if my tummy is stretched out and my cheeks are chubbier. I am still fun, loving, interesting, and smart, and I don’t let my weight dim those things (this is key).
It is a terrible feeling to believe we are not worthy of our partners and it is even harder to not truly love ourselves. The best first step is to separate how we look from the way exist in the world and then we can do the work to accept the way we are and grow in certain areas if we choose to. What I have seen with myself and the many women I’ve worked with in Holy Woman is that when we are taking care of the human/soul part of us, which will allow us to feel unconditional love in our relationship, it is so much easier to take care of our bodies and move towards feeling physically strong and energized, but then that’s just icing on the cake!
Being a woman isn’t always easy, and we need each other to move through some of these difficult topics. If you know someone who is struggling with this or who may find this helpful, I hope you’ll send them this article. Why stay on the surface when we can get deep and real with each other?
If you know it’s time for your husband to do some inner work, encourage him to check out my husband’s Men’s Work program. Jonathan is the only board-certified integrative
In the comments, I would love to know if you’ve experienced this feeling before. Now that you have some insight, what do you think it’s actually about?
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Love,
Sarah
35 Comments
Many thanks for this. I’ve gone from a size 10 to almost size 16 in the five years I’ve known my wonderful man. He sees no difference but I feel like he could do better. Unfortunately and regrettably, I’ve said this to him and it’s almost caused us to break up in the past. Now I’m just trying to lose a little weight by making more sensible choices with food. Since I quit smoking my weight seems to have piled on though and the curve in my spine which I’ve always
Hi Kelly, thanks for your comment. This is totally understandable – remember to go easy on you. The weight we gain doesn’t come on overnight and it doesn’t come off overnight either. What are you doing for fun? Once we take the pressure off the weight and focus on our happiness, the weight loss usually follows. Love, Sarah
Many thanks for the reply. My body issues have almost ruined my relationship as I’ve made the mistake of telling him that he deserves better and he sees this as me pushing him away. I don’t know what to do. We live 18 miles or so apart and it’s often hard with not seeing him and so on… I admit that I turn to ice cream and alcohol. Help!
I’m starting to talk to this guy but he always says i’m skinny when i’m not. i don’t want to meet him just in case he looks at me differently. I have never sent images of my body just posted my face on snapchat and instagram. I’m not sure what to do x
Hi love, thanks for your comment. If you’re getting any sense that you don’t want to meet him, I would encourage you to listen to that voice. You deserve to be loved regardless of your body. Love, Sarah
I am meeting up with my HS sweetheart who I havent seen in 35 years. I am crying because he calls me awesome & sexy etc but hasnt seen me naked. I know he doesn’t appreciate fat bodies so to speak. I lost a lot of weight & now am flab city. I am mortified and so afraid he will not want me as a partner only a friend when he sees my body. We have become very close again & I know we will want sex. What can I do? I am so upset.
Hi Virginia, thanks for your comment. You deserve to be loved and adored without conditions. Shower yourself with as much love as you can, and let him see how much you care for yourself. I’m sending support! Love, Sarah
Recently I have become so worried about my weight and on my appearance, my partner does tell me that I look beautiful but also I need to work on my body and I should workout he is brutally honest. Im 5ft 7 and weight just over 9st. He looks at other woman tells me they have good looking bodys.I have lost so much confidence, I want my partner to love me and accept me no matter what I look like. What can I do ? Laura
Hi Laura, thanks for your comment – I’m so sorry you’re not feeling confident. I encourage you to have a clear and loving conversation with your partner in which you tell him discussing your body is off limits and you require unconditional love. It’s from this place of open communication change can happen. Love, Sarah
I’m in the same boat at the moment…how did it work out for you?
After 13 years of being happily devorced, very secure, very independent and VERY SURE I will never marry again (I am truly one of those people who can be alone and independent for the rest of my life and really be happy), this awesome, unexplainable and totally unexpected man shows up in my life and we instantly knew that we are each others other half of soul. The bond we have is unexplainable. However, I have been very secure in my body (20kgs overweight, hump a lump) when I was single and I really didn’t care as long as my son and work is past my high standard, my body had to just follow and had nothing to “say” about it. I didn’t believe I was ugly or worried about not being a “model” and had no self image problems what so ever. NOW I have all of the negative above. It’s killing me!! I am not use to self doubt and disrespect, but I can’t help but feel unworthy of this God given perfect man. He is “average” if you can call it by the stupid “standards” of the world, but to me he is Zues. I am 25kg heavier than him and look like big foot’s big all round sister compared to his body built. He LOVES me and every inch of me. He has no problem whatsoever with any part of me. I know and see it in his heart, yet I feel as if his lying to me and himself (I’m contradictory right). I know this sounds mad, but thats just what it is. I’m going crazy feeling not good enough for him and crazy for believing/not believing him. What the hell am I supposed to to believe.
Hi Luzaan, thanks for your comment. I completely understand. It’s likely you’re feeling this way now due to patriarchal conditioning rearing its ugly head. If your partner is not giving you any reason to distrust him, then try to sink into the knowing that he does love you unconditionally. I’m sending support! Love, Sarah
This happened to me today. I’ve been with my guy for over 4 yrs and have been hitting a bit of a rough patch since he doesn’t want to seem to want to make a serious commitment, also he still hasn’t really gone through his divorce that happened 5 yrs ago.
We had a talk this afternoon, I was wondering why it was always me keeping up the flame and if it wasn’t me taking the initiative to kiss or come close, nothing happened. So I told him I feel like he doesn’t care how the physical side in your relationship develops (or stops developing is more like it). So he said he’d fancy me more if I was thinner.
I have put on 20 pounds since I met him; I had an operation just before we met and my stomach permanently bloated afterwards and I put on weight because of that. Since then I’ve had a brain stroke, iron deficiency, I was diagnosed with heart deformity and was operated spring last year. The operation left some permanent side affects which include fatigue.
So you can probably understand I haven’t been having much time to worry about my body when I’ve been busy dealing with my health and staying alive – I used to be very active when I was younger and I’m still in pretty good shape. I’ve always been chubby, and I’d like myself to be the size I was in my active years but I can’t really diet because I’ve been battling different eating disorders since I was 6 yrs old.
I’m thinking about the future of our relationship right now. I’m not sure if I can ever forgive or forget this low blow. This was the guy I wanted to marry. Now I feel nothing. I cried all last night and I have no idea if our relationship can recover.
Hi love, thanks for reading and commenting. I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt and I’m sending you support as you navigate your next step in your relationship. Love, Sarah
Hey
I’ve been feeling really down about my weight and I’ve got it in my head that my partner doesn’t love me know more because off it I’ve been within for 6 years and I’ve had two children since it
He makes jokes about my weight that he says he is only joking but it does hurt my feelings and makes me doubt myself I don’t want to be thin I just want him to love me like he did 6 years ago he says he does but I don’t think he does tbh
I don’t know what to do 🙁
My self-esteem is rock bottom. My partner recently lost a lot of weight and looks amazing. I however have gained 2 stone from when we met 8 years ago. I love him and I know he loves me, but I feel so unattractive. I know he doesn’t find fat attractive, and it worries me that he’ll go off me.
Hi Jayne, thank you so much for sharing. I’d encourage you to have a conversation with your partner. They love and support you and you can get through this. You are perfect just the way you are xo
I’m very into this guy. We’ve been on many dates and talk frequently. I worry that my body isn’t sexy enough. I’m very large and he is very small. And when we make-out it feels unbalanced. He has never said or done anything that made me feel this way. It’s something that’s in my own head. I’m worried that he won’t find my body sexy. I’m worried about crushing him. I’m self conscious. He has been nothing but kind and flirty with me. How do I fix this?
Hi Miranda, thank you so much for sharing and I’m so sorry you feel hurt by the person you’re spending time with. You are beautiful inside and out and if he doesn’t see that then it is truly his loss. I encourage you to have an honest conversation with him about how you’re feeling and express how his words have hurt you. I do hope he is receptive to your words and you feel good about the outcome. I can’t express enough how important self-love is babe. You are enough! Love, Sarah
I know this is an old thread but it’s been the most info one I’ve come across so far. I’m a soon to be 45 year old who has been bulimic since 11 /2011. My then fiance left me one week before our wedding to be with another women. Since then I’ve been binge eating and purging everyday. I lost 80 lbs first six months but now my body won’t let ne lose anymore. I’m fat and have a great man but I’m not good enough for him. I hate how I look but don’t know what to do
Hello Maranda, I am currently in a serious reading with someone and I trully love him. We have being together for about three weeks now and he is very serious about marriage and all. But recently he saw some picture of me from last year and he totally love how I use to look. Yes I gain weight after my last relationship ended but I have tried to loss it again and is so hard. He tries to joke by telling me to get back to that shape but still claims to love me this way. I hate how I currently look at myself but I am worried he is more in love with the old me vs me right now. He himself has lost weight and I think that is the problem. I just want to happy with him but I feel like it will always be a problem down the line.
Hello Sarah, I am currently in a serious reading with someone and I trully love him. We have being together for about three weeks now and he is very serious about marriage and all. But recently he saw some picture of me from last year and he totally love how I use to look. Yes I gain weight after my last relationship ended but I have tried to loss it again and is so hard. He tries to joke by telling me to get back to that shape but still claims to love me this way. I hate how I currently look at myself but I am worried he is more in love with the old me vs me right now. He himself has lost weight and I think that is the problem. I just want to happy with him but I feel like it will always be a problem down the line.
Hi my name is Elizabeth I am 34 years old I been struggling with my weight since I was diagnosed with low thyroid problems about 10 years ago
I tried all types of diets and everything just counting calories and omad diet works for me but its hard for me to stay modivated
My boyfriend of 2 years mentioned to me about my weight and I was so shocked he said that.
I am really thinking of leaving this relationship I could never make my partner feel this way that’s so disrespectful I am so done with men who think about a women’s body when they are far from perfect themselves. He has 3 kids from 2 different women I don’t tell him I can’t date him cause of that that’s messed up. Honestly I don’t care if I end up single I am beautiful talented and very strong women who knows her worth. If he think he will find another women who is thinner and treat him better well good luck I wish the best cause I am one of a kind.
I get lots of attention by the way no matter my size so ladies please listen to your own opinion no matter what.
My heart goes out to those who shared their insecurities and fears above. I am just one person, but I am a man who at middle age, divorced (ie: I have lived some life and hopefully learned a few things) came to fall in love with a woman who can only be described by others as fat or obese. I didn’t pursue her, we just became friends, and then such good friends, and then I came to realize that I adored her and wanted to spend my life with her. I don’t see her the way I would have 20 years ago, or the way others might. I see a lovely woman with the biggest heart on the planet who has given me so much and brought so much joy into my world. And, for what it’s worth, our intimate life is incredible and frequent!
I have always weighed around 140 until about a year or so ago when I lost my job due to having a miscarriage I got extremely depressed and stayed in bed for the better part of 4 months and gained a lot of weight I’m 220 now I have always had a flat stomach even after having our son I lost that weight in less than a month but now I’m finding it extremely difficult to loose this belly and thigh weight IV put on it’s so bad IV gotten stretch marks on my inner thighs witch makes me hate looking in the mirror and I feel like my husband of 13 years is no longer sexually attracted to me he says he is but I don’t much believe him there are nights I will against my better judgement put on some little lingerie like I used to and he would get the hint but now when I put it on I feel like he doesn’t even acknowledge me it’s been a year or so and everyday I hate my body more and more I know in my heart he’s no longer attracted to me and it hurts more than anything
I have met this wonderful man who calls me beautiful and we have seen each other naked. He is overweight, but that doesn’t bother me. He’s beautiful, sweet, smart, funny and he gets me.
I told him today that in the morning I love how he holds me, cuddled, caresses and just engulfs me, but in the morning I am constantly embarrass about how my butt has gotten bigger; my belly is flabby and the rolls on my sides are bigger. Why am I kidding myself. I was thinner last year, but didn’t appreciated it then. I’m never happy.
I went to the Y the other day and most woman don’t have perfect bodies. Even the skinny ones. I began to realize I’m so hard on myself, but I am having a difficult time shutting those voices down. Even after I told my boyfriend, he said, “Stop, you are beautiful. You need to feel confident in your skin.” I don’t know how. Even when I had a perfect little body in high school and college, I didn’t appreciate it. I need this to stop.
Hi,
I’m in a hard place to.
I am with a guy that tells me I’m beautiful no matter what size I am. However I know he likes the skinner version of women. What gets me the most is he is always poking my belly and that bothers me and I don’t know how to tell him. He also uses a form of gas lighting on me and I’ve noticed he’s become narcissistic since we’ve finally moved in together.
I feel like I’m boxed in
Help!
I’ve been in a ldr for 11 months almost a year now and we’ve never met on the profile I met him on I had a full length body mirror pic of what I look like now but on my insta I have pics from last year (I’ve gained weight since then) and he seen them and praised them so much I feel like he thinks I’m still that size and I’ve told him time and time again that I’ve gained weight but I’m not sure if he understands 💆🏻♀️
Hi Sarah, I’m not sure if this is up your alley so to speak but thought I’d throw it out there (and if it’s not perhaps you can point me in another direction?!), I’m 74, single, retired, and living my best life! While working in 2020 I had a business associate (an attractive younger man). . . we had a great working relationship and I considered him a friend. Toward the end of that year, the company shut down, and the entire staff left for a day of drinking, commiserating, and to simply vent. It was on this day that he professed his feelings for me (he wanted to be with me). It was unexpected, flattering, yet a bit disturbing as he is 20 years younger than I am (I could be his mother). He tells me I’m beautiful and that age doesn’t matter. My friends and family tell me I should go for it but even after all this time I feel my body would be disappointing to him. I’m now 74, he just turned 55 and has reached out to me again! I’m attracted to him but have such conflicts . . . any advice?
I definitely hve been feeling like this for years. And do now more than ever. My husband says he loves me but I’m just too fat and ugly. I was fat even when we got together. He used that as an excuse for all the things he’s put me through for the last 12 years. He says he didn’t know why he did it specifically. He’s disrespected me so many times, embarrassed me in public, was on dating and hookup sites and even messaged some of them, walked out on me with the intention of abandoning me and our children with nothing as I’m a stay at home mom with no village to help, and so much more. I don’t think I’ll ever be good enough.
I recently asked my husband what was his definition of sexy, he said probably someone skinny fit with small hips. He mentioned an asian singer who was really skinny. Hearing that hurt me. I know I sound complicated because I insisted him to answer. But what hurt me is that he often calls me sexy and hot but I wasnt his definition of sexy. I never had a skinny body nor a small hips. I loved my body as many had complimented my boobs and ass but i recently felt not confident about it because of this. I felt like all his compliments were lies. He is a good man he never cheated or anything he is a good father to my child and also a vey supportive partner but it hit me different when i was a total opposite of what he finds sexy. I dont know i guess my question is am I entitled to even be hurt even if I insisted him to answer that question? He always reassures me that Im the only one but what i am feeling right now is that he could possibly have had or will have the thought of pursuing someone he finds sexually attractive. I guess insecurities crept into me.
I know this is a woman’s page, but as a husband, I am feeling exactly like this with my wife. I’m so self conscious of my extra pound of the last several years, that I don’t even see how she finds me attractive anymore, so I’m very withdrawn from the act. It’s been 2 and a half years since we’ve… And I’m pretty sure it’s my fault.
This arrtical helped me…I’ve asked my man if I’m fat? And he would reply that he loves me for who I am and that he will never body shame me…I am insecure Sometimes because I’m chubby and thick…I have a very handsome husband and I do imagine him sometimes standing next to a better body….
My husband has made a few comments since I started gaining weight. I’ve brought it up and he’s mentioned that maybe it’s genetic which pretty much confirmed for me that he has not only noticed that I gained weight but he may not like it. And I’ve also had allot of issues with him in the past staring at other women and watching stupid crap. I feel self conscious and I’ve always been that way even prior to gaining 30 lbs over the past year and a half.
So I was married for 13 years but now divorced and happy! I’ve battled with my weight from I had my first daughter but now in my 40s this is the heaviest I’ve ever been and I can’t even look at myself in the mirror as I hate what I see back. However I’ve been chatting online to a few guys recently, 1 in particular I feel a connection with but worried when we meet 1st time he will be disappointed due to my 15 stone size – about uk size 18. I’m ok chatting with people but when I’m asked out even for a coffee I freak out all becos they’ll see a fat woman and not who I really am. What should I do? Thanks xx