Last week I asked you if you had any questions for me or topics you wanted me to talk about, and I received so many beautiful requests, thank you! I love knowing what you need, and I am here for you. I’m going to try to get through most of them over the next few months. If you have something you want to learn more about, you can just let me know.
The question that hit me like a ton of bricks was, “How can I feel like I’m good enough for my partner despite my weight?”
I have worried about this since the moment I met Jonathan (and every guy before him) and this is something almost all of my clients struggled with, so we talk about it A LOT.
I am happy to report that after years of worrying I wasn’t good enough for Jonathan because of my weight, I no longer feel this way. I have a deep knowing that he is the luckiest man on earth to be with me AND I am also not at my ideal weight right now.
I spent so long thinking I needed to look a certain way in order for our relationship to feel amazing, and now, here I am in a relationship that has never been better in a body that has never been worse, so I know without a doubt that the two are not related. Let me walk you through a few truths on the matter…
- The reason we are programmed to think we are not worthy of our partners because of our weight is that we have attached so many character flaws to our physical state. Subconsciously we believe that if we are overweight we are also lazy, unsexy, stressed out, grumpy, frumpy, masculine, volatile, flat, etc, etc. Now, you may be that way, but that has nothing to do with your weight. Those character traits come from not nurturing the parts of us we want to exude, usually, because we are putting so much energy into trying to lose weight whilst ignoring becoming the person we long to become. Take some time to identify what characteristics you are associating with being overweight and then get real with yourself. Are you actually that way? If so, do you long to be different? How can you put attention to those qualities directly instead of solely focusing on your weight?
- So here’s the deal, not only is it not true that you are unworthy because of your weight, but it’s also not true that you are unworthy because of how you are acting, what is true is that you feel unworthy of your partner has nothing to do with them at all! You feeling unworthy of them just means that you don’t like yourself, or that you are not living up to your potential. It is so easy to project how we are feeling about ourselves onto our partners and blame it on our weight but when we peel back the layers, it just means we aren’t completely in love with ourselves. Let me give you an example. Since having Annabelle I have not felt sexy at all. At first, I went into this whole thing about how because I had gained weight since having Annabelle that Jonathan didn’t think I was sexy. Then I remembered that sexiness comes from within not from how I look so I judged myself for not cultivating my sexiness for my relationship. AND THEN I asked myself if I longed to feel sexier for me. Nope. Here’s the reality, that part of me will come back, and I nurture it a little bit more every day, but I am letting myself sink into this postpartum phase and give it the space it deserves (a blog post for another time). All of this is to say, when you follow the thread back to yourself, you may find you have total acceptance for that part of you, especially when you know there will be a time and place to cultivate it in the future.
- This is the most important one: you are not your body. You have a body, you are not a body. Your partner married a whole, dynamic, multilayered, complicated woman! Saying you are not worthy of your partner because of your weight is like saying you aren’t worthy of your partner because of your shoe size, your hair color, or your ethnicity. I can’t believe my husband married me, I have size 9 feet! Can you imagine? This is the thing I keep coming back to in my relationship right now. I am still me, even if my tummy is stretched out and my cheeks are chubbier. I am still fun, loving, interesting, and smart, and I don’t let my weight dim those things (this is key).
It is a terrible feeling to believe we are not worthy of our partners and it is even harder to not truly love ourselves. The best first step is to separate how we look from the way exist in the world and then we can do the work to accept the way we are and grow in certain areas if we choose to. What I have seen with myself and the many women I’ve worked with in Holy Woman is that when we are taking care of the human/soul part of us, which will allow us to feel unconditional love in our relationship, it is so much easier to take care of our bodies and move towards feeling physically strong and energized, but then that’s just icing on the cake!
Being a woman isn’t always easy, and we need each other to move through some of these difficult topics. If you know someone who is struggling with this or who may find this helpful, I hope you’ll send them this article. Why stay on the surface when we can get deep and real with each other?
If you know it’s time for your husband to do some inner work, encourage him to check out my husband’s Men’s Work program. Jonathan is the only board-certified integrative Urologist in the country and he believes that inner work can heal men’s bodies. He’s brilliant, and he has helped hundreds of men deal with their own shit so they can show up in their full power.
In the comments, I would love to know if you’ve experienced this feeling before. Now that you have some insight, what do you think it’s actually about?
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Many thanks for this. I’ve gone from a size 10 to almost size 16 in the five years I’ve known my wonderful man. He sees no difference but I feel like he could do better. Unfortunately and regrettably, I’ve said this to him and it’s almost caused us to break up in the past. Now I’m just trying to lose a little weight by making more sensible choices with food. Since I quit smoking my weight seems to have piled on though and the curve in my spine which I’ve always
Hi Kelly, thanks for your comment. This is totally understandable – remember to go easy on you. The weight we gain doesn’t come on overnight and it doesn’t come off overnight either. What are you doing for fun? Once we take the pressure off the weight and focus on our happiness, the weight loss usually follows. Love, Sarah
Many thanks for the reply. My body issues have almost ruined my relationship as I’ve made the mistake of telling him that he deserves better and he sees this as me pushing him away. I don’t know what to do. We live 18 miles or so apart and it’s often hard with not seeing him and so on… I admit that I turn to ice cream and alcohol. Help!
I’m starting to talk to this guy but he always says i’m skinny when i’m not. i don’t want to meet him just in case he looks at me differently. I have never sent images of my body just posted my face on snapchat and instagram. I’m not sure what to do x
Hi love, thanks for your comment. If you’re getting any sense that you don’t want to meet him, I would encourage you to listen to that voice. You deserve to be loved regardless of your body. Love, Sarah
I am meeting up with my HS sweetheart who I havent seen in 35 years. I am crying because he calls me awesome & sexy etc but hasnt seen me naked. I know he doesn’t appreciate fat bodies so to speak. I lost a lot of weight & now am flab city. I am mortified and so afraid he will not want me as a partner only a friend when he sees my body. We have become very close again & I know we will want sex. What can I do? I am so upset.
Hi Virginia, thanks for your comment. You deserve to be loved and adored without conditions. Shower yourself with as much love as you can, and let him see how much you care for yourself. I’m sending support! Love, Sarah
Recently I have become so worried about my weight and on my appearance, my partner does tell me that I look beautiful but also I need to work on my body and I should workout he is brutally honest. Im 5ft 7 and weight just over 9st. He looks at other woman tells me they have good looking bodys.I have lost so much confidence, I want my partner to love me and accept me no matter what I look like. What can I do ? Laura
Hi Laura, thanks for your comment – I’m so sorry you’re not feeling confident. I encourage you to have a clear and loving conversation with your partner in which you tell him discussing your body is off limits and you require unconditional love. It’s from this place of open communication change can happen. Love, Sarah
After 13 years of being happily devorced, very secure, very independent and VERY SURE I will never marry again (I am truly one of those people who can be alone and independent for the rest of my life and really be happy), this awesome, unexplainable and totally unexpected man shows up in my life and we instantly knew that we are each others other half of soul. The bond we have is unexplainable. However, I have been very secure in my body (20kgs overweight, hump a lump) when I was single and I really didn’t care as long as my son and work is past my high standard, my body had to just follow and had nothing to “say” about it. I didn’t believe I was ugly or worried about not being a “model” and had no self image problems what so ever. NOW I have all of the negative above. It’s killing me!! I am not use to self doubt and disrespect, but I can’t help but feel unworthy of this God given perfect man. He is “average” if you can call it by the stupid “standards” of the world, but to me he is Zues. I am 25kg heavier than him and look like big foot’s big all round sister compared to his body built. He LOVES me and every inch of me. He has no problem whatsoever with any part of me. I know and see it in his heart, yet I feel as if his lying to me and himself (I’m contradictory right). I know this sounds mad, but thats just what it is. I’m going crazy feeling not good enough for him and crazy for believing/not believing him. What the hell am I supposed to to believe.
Hi Luzaan, thanks for your comment. I completely understand. It’s likely you’re feeling this way now due to patriarchal conditioning rearing its ugly head. If your partner is not giving you any reason to distrust him, then try to sink into the knowing that he does love you unconditionally. I’m sending support! Love, Sarah
This happened to me today. I’ve been with my guy for over 4 yrs and have been hitting a bit of a rough patch since he doesn’t want to seem to want to make a serious commitment, also he still hasn’t really gone through his divorce that happened 5 yrs ago.
We had a talk this afternoon, I was wondering why it was always me keeping up the flame and if it wasn’t me taking the initiative to kiss or come close, nothing happened. So I told him I feel like he doesn’t care how the physical side in your relationship develops (or stops developing is more like it). So he said he’d fancy me more if I was thinner.
I have put on 20 pounds since I met him; I had an operation just before we met and my stomach permanently bloated afterwards and I put on weight because of that. Since then I’ve had a brain stroke, iron deficiency, I was diagnosed with heart deformity and was operated spring last year. The operation left some permanent side affects which include fatigue.
So you can probably understand I haven’t been having much time to worry about my body when I’ve been busy dealing with my health and staying alive – I used to be very active when I was younger and I’m still in pretty good shape. I’ve always been chubby, and I’d like myself to be the size I was in my active years but I can’t really diet because I’ve been battling different eating disorders since I was 6 yrs old.
I’m thinking about the future of our relationship right now. I’m not sure if I can ever forgive or forget this low blow. This was the guy I wanted to marry. Now I feel nothing. I cried all last night and I have no idea if our relationship can recover.
Hi love, thanks for reading and commenting. I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt and I’m sending you support as you navigate your next step in your relationship. Love, Sarah
My self-esteem is rock bottom. My partner recently lost a lot of weight and looks amazing. I however have gained 2 stone from when we met 8 years ago. I love him and I know he loves me, but I feel so unattractive. I know he doesn’t find fat attractive, and it worries me that he’ll go off me.
Hi Jayne, thank you so much for sharing. I’d encourage you to have a conversation with your partner. They love and support you and you can get through this. You are perfect just the way you are xo
I’m very into this guy. We’ve been on many dates and talk frequently. I worry that my body isn’t sexy enough. I’m very large and he is very small. And when we make-out it feels unbalanced. He has never said or done anything that made me feel this way. It’s something that’s in my own head. I’m worried that he won’t find my body sexy. I’m worried about crushing him. I’m self conscious. He has been nothing but kind and flirty with me. How do I fix this?
Hi Miranda, thank you so much for sharing and I’m so sorry you feel hurt by the person you’re spending time with. You are beautiful inside and out and if he doesn’t see that then it is truly his loss. I encourage you to have an honest conversation with him about how you’re feeling and express how his words have hurt you. I do hope he is receptive to your words and you feel good about the outcome. I can’t express enough how important self-love is babe. You are enough! Love, Sarah