One pattern I see in my clients year after year, is a subconscious and sometimes conscious weight gain to protect themselves from being in the position of being desired.
Have you ever found yourself in the position of feeling obligated to be intimate with someone before you’re ready? Because you feel like you’re supposed to, or you don’t want to be a ‘tease’? Do you think, deep down, you could be holding onto extra weight to protect yourself? Do you find yourself worrying that you aren’t intimate with your partner enough and are constantly forcing yourself even though you aren’t in the mood?
Last week on our Live More Weigh Less group coaching call “Ashley” came on and asked me a question that got me really fired up. Ashley is divorced and hates dating. She truly desires to find a partner but is uncomfortable dating for this specific reason…
“Divorced men expect you to sleep with him on the second date. That’s just how it is.” She told me.
Ashley’s natural response to this expectation was to stop dating because she didn’t want to have sex on a timeline, let alone a second date!
I could go down the rabbit hole of whether or not this stereotypical male expectation of sex is true. I do know that I hear a version of this from women all.the.time…. the pressure to sleep with someone, worried about being a tease, forcing themselves to sleep with their husbands even when they don’t want to etc. This is a widespread source of anxiety. Here’s the truth: a man’s expectation becomes irrelevant when you set your own expectations and challenge the norm. Being in a different space around sex and expectations will change everything for you, regardless of whether or not this stereotype of men expecting sex after certain behavior or a certain number of dates is true.
How sex is like a sandwich
Let’s look at it this way…
Imagine a friend of mine came over for lunch and I put out a spread of sandwich fixings. There were different meats, spreads, vegetables and a few different kinds of freshly baked bread. I took a lot of time to make myself an amazing, beautiful sandwich.
So we sit down and he says, “Wow, your sandwich looks delicious, can I have a bite?”
“Sure!” You say because you’re happy to give your friend a bite of your sandwich. It makes you happy to share a little bit of your lunch.
Now imagine how you would feel if this happened….
After your friend takes a bite he says, “This sandwich is SO much better than I thought. It’s incredible! Like totally blowing my mind. Can I eat the entire thing???”
First of all, NO! He cannot eat your sandwich, it’s YOUR sandwich. You made an amazing sandwich so YOU could enjoy it. And second, wouldn’t you be completely confused and miffed that he would even ask? Uh, yeah.
So why is it that it’s so obvious that someone asking to eat our entire sandwich is ridiculous, and it would be so easy for us to laugh and say no, and someone asking to sleep with us sends us into an emotional tailspin? I mean, the fact that we feel more ownership over a sandwich than over our bodies and emotional intimacy is CRAZY!!!!
The fact that we feel more ownership over a sandwich than over our bodies and emotional intimacy is CRAZY!!!!
Furthermore, this illustrates another great point that wanting something and not being able to have it is just part of life. The stereotype of men thinking that a woman is a “tease” when she get’s dressed up, is flirty and into herself means that she wants to or is obligated to share her body, and when she doesn’t she’s in the wrong (aka a “tease”) is like saying I shouldn’t make a great sandwich, decorate my house, or raise amazing children because that is the same thing as saying, “hey, take, my house, my sandwich and my children!” I see things everyday that I want, that are gorgeous and tempting but I don’t think I can just have it.
Let me spell it out for you. You NEVER have to do anything you don’t want to do, especially when it comes to sex. You can show up on date after date looking hot and amazing and wearing whatever makes you feel ‘on fire’ and never feel obligated to take your clothes off. Look hot and feel amazing for you and your enjoyment. Give him or her a few “bites” if you want, but you don’t have to give him or her the whole thing until you desperately want to share your entire sandwich with them;).
In the comments below I would love to know, have you felt this way before? What do you think about this mindset shift? Do you have any other points of view or tips to add?
Also, have you talked with a girlfriend about this before? This may be a great opportunity to get into some solutions. Make sure to send her this post by using the buttons below if you think she’d be interested.
Can’t wait to talk about this in the comments!