Back in the fall, Redbook.com approached me to help them “rebrand motherhood” and I’ve been writing a series of articles for them on the topic. A few months ago they asked me to write about, “What does it take to be sexy in your 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.” To be honest, I was a bit stumped, so I asked for some time to do “research” on the topic. The process was amazing, and I learned so much about myself, my beliefs and what I truly believe it takes to be sexy as we get older and have children. Now, let me be clear, I talk about what it means for ME, which may be very different than what it means for YOU, but my hope is that I can guide you to figuring out how you connect with your sexiness in this phase of your life. I wanted to share this article with you here in case you missed the article or are new to this community, because it’s been one of my favorite topics to write about.
Here’s what I said on Redbook.com:
In 2014, I had my first child and turned 30 in the same year. I am under no illusion that 30 is old, but somehow the combination of having a baby and entering a new decade made me feel light-years away from my 20s.
When I was in my 20s, how to be sexy was clear: Wear tight clothes, flirt, act frisky, strut, be coy. I had the “young and vibrant” thing down. And I enjoyed it. It felt authentic, fun, and enlivening. It kept my marriage fresh and my life interesting. And it seemed like overnight, after having my baby and turning 30, I had no idea what it really took to be sexy anymore.
It didn’t feel right to act frisky. I didn’t want to act “young” or flirt with the guy behind the coffee counter. And I certainly was not into wearing tight clothes. It would’ve been easy to blame it on my body, which was no longer the compact yet curvy form it once was, but the reality was that my identity as a woman was being challenged.
When I was in my 20s, I had role models for sexiness. Sure, they weren’t all great, but there was an abundance of young, fun, sexy, embodied, alive women I could emulate. Now that I am firmly planted in my 30s with a baby, I can’t find what it means to be sexy at this stage anywhere.
Now, you may be wondering, is being sexy really that important? In my opinion, yes, but probably not for the reasons you think. Many of us equate sexiness with being young, hot, and flirty. Is it important to be young, hot, and flirty? No. But I believe being sexy is so much more than that.
Sexiness is about feeling alive. It’s about having a deep connection with what it means to be a woman. Feeling sexy gives us energy, makes us glow, and helps us attract what we want in life. It’s about being real—not about being fake. Tweet it: Sexiness is about being real—not about being fake!.
So how exactly do we cultivate feeling sexy in our 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond?
Sexy is moving your body. Whenever I’m feeling unsexy, I go to a dance class. Moving my hips and getting my blood flowing reminds me how amazing my body is. I love hip hop, but you can also try belly dancing, zumba, or ballet. If you don’t live in a place with dance classes, try dancing in your kitchen or buying an incredible dance DVD like this one.
Sexy is not about what you look like, but how you feel. It’s so easy to look at ourselves in the mirror and think, There is nothing sexy about my body. But sexiness has nothing to do with how you look and everything to do with how you feel about about yourself. In my coaching program, Live More Weigh Less, I help women change how they feel about themselves by looking at what kind of life they have. Is your life monotonous, stressful, and rigid? Not sexy. Is your life full of joy, pleasure, and laughter? Very sexy. Having an incredible life gives you a swagger, a glitter in your eye, and a glow of power. It’s when other people look at you and say, “I’ll have what she’s having.”
Sexy is for you, not for them. Somehow women have been taught that being sexy is for a man’s enjoyment. No, no, no.
Not only do we not have time to worry about what everyone else thinks, but seriously? What a waste of time.
Feeling sexy is about you enjoying your beautiful, wise self. It’s about loving the extra energy, having a love affair with life and relationships on your terms.
Sexy is listening to your heart. There’s an old form of sexy that encourages being nice, going with the flow, and not being too loud. But I believe sexy is knowing and speaking your truth, listening to your intuition, and being bold.
Being sexy, really, is being the most fully embodied, most alive version of you. Today, I would love for you share in the comments below what it means for you to be sexy. Take some ideas from this list and add your own. Life is too short not to enjoy the very best part of being a woman.
I can’t wait to hear from you below.
And, do you know someone who would also be into this during this part of her life? Make sure to share this with them on social media using the buttons below or send them the link in an email.