• 25
    Jun 2015

    What to do when you feel like you’re failing at life

    This is hard for me to admit…. I love my son so much, but for a while, I wasn’t sure if I loved being a Mom.  I would listen to other women talk about their experience of being a Mom and they just seemed to be experiencing something I wasn’t.  I didn’t feel like a bad Mom, I just wasn’t really enjoying myself, ever. It felt like a ton of work, on top of the work I was already doing.

    For a while I kept it in, completely embarrassed that I felt this way. And when the feeling of disconnection wasn’t going away I knew I needed to do something.

    First I started outing myself to everyone and asking for advice – from my friends, parents, therapist, coach and husband. I came at it with a beginner’s mind and was willing to try anything.

    The thing that was most helpful was realizing that I didn’t really know what kind of Mom I wanted to be. I spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of mom I should be, what kind of mom I thought Marshall needed or what kind of mom my mom is (which are some seriously big shoes to fill).

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    But, as long as I was trying to do things the way I thought I should, there wasn’t any space for me to become myself and the mom I was meant to be.

    As I’m sure you’ve experienced, this pattern can happen in any area of our lives – our career goals, our relationships, our friendships, our eating habits…

    I asked myself, what kind of Mom do I want to be, regardless of who my children are, who I’m married to or who raised me. I set out to create a mission statement that aligned with my being and my desires.

    Here is what I came up with:

    My Motherhood Mission Statement

    I am here to be a steady source of love and comfort.

    I am not here to be Marshall’s constant playmate, he has his own friends!

    I am a Mom who is calm and stress free when possible.

    I give Marshall lots of hugs and kisses, even when he wiggles away.

    I will be a witness to his adventurous soul, allow him to fall down, get really dirty and challenge himself, even when it makes me nervous.

    I will bring in lots of amazing adults into his life, so he can learn from many different people, and so I can have someone to connect with.

    I will be a great role model for him, tending to my own dreams and desires so he can do the same.

    Now, this isn’t about being deliberately different, rebellious, consciously the same or unique. It’s just about listening inside and seeing what comes naturally.

    Since I did this a few weeks ago, things at home have completely shifted. Since I am clear on my role, I “pass” or nearly pass my own test everyday. Since I feel like I’m succeeding and am in integrity with myself, I am more relaxed and have a better time.  Because of that, I can see Marshall better, connect with him more easily and he seems to be picking up on my energy and throwing less tantrums. It no longer feels like work, and I can easily say that I enjoy being a Mom. A HUGE personal win for me.

    So now I want to ask you: what area in your life do you feel like you could be enjoying more or be more aligned with? Is it with work? Friends? Your relationship with your body or with food? Your spiritual practice?

    Take some time today to erase all the shoulds or should nots based on the people around you. This isn’t about being more like her or less like him.  It may help to write all these shoulds down. Then get quiet and go in. Imagine your soul writing you a letter. You can journal, be quiet or go for a walk, whichever is best for you. Then write out a mission statement for yourself. I would love for you to post it below if you feel comfortable so we can witness you.

    I know doing this will bring you so much ease, certainty and joy.

    Lots of love,

    Sarah

     

  • 18
    Jun 2015

    I need your help on this one…

    I need your help with something.  Every time I get on the phone with some of my Live More Weigh Less women I have some version of this conversation…

    “Sarah, I just can’t shake the feeling that I want to lose weight more.than.anything.”

    I tell them I get it, I’ve been there.  And then I ask..

    “Tell me what your life will look like when you lose weight?”

    “Well, I’ll be more social and have an easier time making friends. I’ll be more relaxed, less uptight and fight with my husband less.  I’ll feel more sexual and be more adventurous.  Just you know, be more UP!”

    So essentially these women want to feel confident, at ease, connected, sexual and energized more than anything.  All great things to want.  But here’s where my issue is…

    Where did we learn we have to be a certain size to have those things?  And who told us that losing twenty pounds would magically change our entire personality?

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    We are so hardwired to believe that life will be better and easier when we are thin.

    WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM???

    I honestly have no idea, which is where you come in. Can you remember when you first learned that your personality would change if you could lose some weight?  Did someone tell you this?  Was it because women in magazines or in movies seemed so carefree?  Is this built in our DNA from birth?

    What I do know is that this can be unlearned, and it isn’t until we can clearly see that our actions and desires are in control of our lives, not our body size, that we can finally create everything we want for our life and body.

    So I want you to ask yourself, WHY do you want to lose weight?  What are all the changes you believe will happen when a new number on the scale shows up?  Write them down…

    Now, this is super important, listen closely. Eating less cake and more broccoli is not going to make you more social or feel more in control of your life.  BUT being more social and creating more calm in your life from your heart and soul will result in eating less cake and more broccoli because we no longer need to rely on cake to be our friend, we have real friends now.

    Maybe that’s it…. we see women in our lives who seems at home in the world and in their bodies and naturally eat healthy.  We assume that it’s her body that is causing her personality to be so open, calm and inspiring, but it’s actually the other way around – the way she is in the world is causing her body to be her ideal weight.  Live More, Weigh Less in the flesh.

    Would love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.  I’d love to talk bout why we hold this belief and where you think you learned it.  I am determined to get to the bottom of this.

    Love,

    Sarah

  • 11
    Jun 2015

    Ever feel like you’re “supposed to” have sex?

    We spend a lot of time in Live More Weigh Less talking about physical intimacy.  Intimacy with our partners, intimacy with ourselves, the potential of intimacy and our fear of intimacy.

    One pattern I see in my clients year after year, is a subconscious and sometimes conscious weight gain to protect themselves from being in the position of being desired.

    Have you ever found yourself in the position of feeling obligated to be intimate with someone before you’re ready?  Because you feel like you’re supposed to, or you don’t want to be a ‘tease’?  Do you think, deep down, you could be holding onto extra weight to protect yourself?  Do you find yourself worrying that you aren’t intimate with your partner enough and are constantly forcing yourself even though you aren’t in the mood?

    Last week on our Live More Weigh Less group coaching call “Ashley” came on and asked me a question that got me really fired up.  Ashley is divorced and hates dating.  She truly desires to find a partner but is uncomfortable dating for this specific reason…

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    “Divorced men expect you to sleep with him on the second date. That’s just how it is.” She told me.

    Ashley’s natural response to this expectation was to stop dating because she didn’t want to have sex on a timeline, let alone a second date!

    I could go down the rabbit hole of whether or not this stereotypical male expectation of sex is true.  I do know that I hear a version of this from women all.the.time…. the pressure to sleep with someone, worried about being a tease, forcing themselves to sleep with their husbands even when they don’t want to etc. This is a widespread source of anxiety.  Here’s the truth: a man’s expectation becomes irrelevant when you set your own expectations and challenge the norm.  Being in a different space around sex and expectations will change everything for you, regardless of whether or not this stereotype of men expecting sex after certain behavior or a certain number of dates is true.

    How sex is like a sandwich

    Let’s look at it this way…

    Imagine a friend of mine came over for lunch and I put out a spread of sandwich fixings.  There were different meats, spreads, vegetables and a few different kinds of freshly baked bread.  I took a lot of time to make myself an amazing, beautiful sandwich.

    So we sit down and he says, “Wow, your sandwich looks delicious, can I have a bite?”

    “Sure!” You say because you’re happy to give your friend a bite of your sandwich.  It makes you happy to share a little bit of your lunch.

    Now imagine how you would feel if this happened….

    After your friend takes a bite he says, “This sandwich is SO much better than I thought.  It’s incredible!  Like totally blowing my mind.  Can I eat the entire thing???”

    First of all, NO! He cannot eat your sandwich, it’s YOUR sandwich.  You made an amazing sandwich so YOU could enjoy it. And second, wouldn’t you be completely confused and miffed that he would even ask?  Uh, yeah.

    So why is it that it’s so obvious that someone asking to eat our entire sandwich is ridiculous, and it would be so easy for us to laugh and say no, and someone asking to sleep with us sends us into an emotional tailspin?  I mean, the fact that we feel more ownership over a sandwich than over our bodies and emotional intimacy is CRAZY!!!!

    The fact that we feel more ownership over a sandwich than over our bodies and emotional intimacy is CRAZY!!!!

    Furthermore, this illustrates another great point that wanting something and not being able to have it is just part of life.  The stereotype of men thinking that a woman is a “tease” when she get’s dressed up, is flirty and into herself means that she wants to or is obligated to share her body, and when she doesn’t she’s in the wrong (aka a “tease”) is like saying I shouldn’t make a great sandwich, decorate my house, or raise amazing children because that is the same thing as saying, “hey, take, my house, my sandwich and my children!”  I see things everyday that I want, that are gorgeous and tempting but I don’t think I can just have it.

    Let me spell it out for you.  You NEVER have to do anything you don’t want to do, especially when it comes to sex.  You can show up on date after date looking hot and amazing and wearing whatever makes you feel ‘on fire’ and never feel obligated to take your clothes off.  Look hot and feel amazing for you and your enjoyment.  Give him or her a few “bites” if you want, but you don’t have to give him or her the whole thing until you desperately want to share your entire sandwich with them;).

    What I see over and over with my clients is when we feel back in control of our sexuality, we no longer need to dim our sexiness by holding onto extra weight.  We can be out and about in the world shining brightly because we know that no one’s expectations have any bearing on our own choices or behavior.

    In the comments below I would love to know, have you felt this way before?  What do you think about this mindset shift?  Do you have any other points of view or tips to add?

    Also, have you talked with a girlfriend about this before?  This may be a great opportunity to get into some solutions.  Make sure to send her this post by using the buttons below if you think she’d be interested.

    Can’t wait to talk about this in the comments!

    xo,

    Sarah

Design: Jane Reaction. Development: Brandi Bernoskie.