Unapologetic

Volume III (from Holy Woman member, Gretchen Hill)

My name is Gretchen Hill and I’ve been a member of the Holy Woman community for the past 6 years. I’m 44, I’m single, and I’m currently on a journey to start a family and become a mother on my own.

Three years ago, my marriage ended when I told my husband that I wanted to start a family. I wish I could say that this happened in a loving, supportive way where we both recognized what we wanted and went our separate ways. But that isn’t what happened.

What happened was that a secret, sacred wish started to develop in me and a baby – a sparkly-eyed smiley baby with a big goofy personality – started showing up in my dreams. There was only one problem… I was married to someone who was an adamant no about having children. And speaking up about my desires meant risking losing everything I loved about my life.

For a few years, I tried to keep this secret stuffed down. But eventually, I knew I had to face it. And all of my worst fears came to be.

My husband became so angry with me for wanting this and turned this sacred wish into something terrible that I was doing to him that was going to ruin his life. First, he tried to convince me that he was incapable. And when that didn’t work because I believed he would be an incredible father, he tried to convince me that it was me who wasn’t capable. He stripped me down with insults over and over again for months, telling me that I am lazy, that I’m not nurturing, and that he loves me because I am not maternal.

Deep in my bones, I knew what he was saying was wrong. I knew these were lies. I know my own capacity for love. But when someone you love is weaving a web of lies around you, it feels like living in a nightmare. Even though the cage is made out of nothing, it feels so tight and strong.

I went into a period of deep depression. I lost my will to live and my ability to eat. My grief was beyond anything I had ever felt.

And here’s why: I was trapped in a situation where I didn’t have freedom to grow and change. And when I realized this, I found the strength to walk out.

Because the cage I was standing in had no door.

I knew that no matter how things turned out in terms of having a child, that I could not let myself be bound by someone else’s fear. I knew that I needed to leave my marriage because I could no longer hear my own voice over his anger. And my voice was the one I needed to hear.

Do I really want a child? And if so, what am I going to do about it now?

After that, I went into a period of deep solitude. I was in shock about what had happened in my marriage and I was deeply ashamed. I didn’t want anyone to know. I thought no one would understand. I thought if I told anyone that I was considering starting a family on my own, that everyone would say I was crazy. I thought no man would ever love me again if I went my own way and started a family on my own. How could all of this be?

Since then, I have been down a path of answering those questions. Of listening to my own voice and then moving forward in faith. I’ve learned about donor conception and have tried to get pregnant using donor sperm, both at home and at a fertility clinic. I’ve gone through IVF, finding the guts to go through all those shots and procedures on my own. I’ve gone on first dates and casually mentioned that I was trying to get pregnant using a sperm donor. I’ve experienced new love. I’ve told my family and received their support. And recently I launched a podcast called Incredibly Wanted where I share all of the details of how this all came to be and document it as the story unfolds.

There was a time when I could barely leave the house I felt so ashamed. But now, I feel so rooted in my knowing that the question of whether or not anyone else thinks my life is weird has become irrelevant. To me, that’s what being unapologetic truly means.

Instead of feeling shame that my marriage ended, I feel proud of walking away from an emotionally unsafe situation.

Instead of feeling shame for not deciding to have kids earlier, I feel confident because of the lived experiences that I get to bring to my relationship with a future child.

Instead of hoping I’ll find a man who is willing to be with me, I feel so committed to my own path that I wouldn’t consider being with a man who isn’t turned on by my courage.

Instead of viewing my path as an unfortunate depressing plan B, I actually like the road I’m on and I’m so grateful that I get to live this wild adventure that is still a mystery to me.

Do you see?

The way that you do this is not by changing your thoughts. The way that you do this is by going so deeply into yourself and into your inner knowing that you become so clear on who you are that you lose the need to apologize. This shift – the shift from timidly pursuing this path in secret to unapologetically owning who I am – came through Ceremony. In my eyes, it is the fastest, most effective, most powerful vehicle for connecting with your deepest knowing.

And when that happens, anything is possible.

I no longer experience shame about my story because I know in my bones that I am on the right path. And even though I don’t know where this path is taking me, I know I am following my own destiny.

My love, why would you ever apologize for who you are?

My love, why would you ever apologize for your desire?

For your desires are seeds that were planted in you.

And your soul was picked to bloom in this world.

Your gifts and your talents are a roadmap you must follow.

How do you know you are on the right path?

By the way your body responds.

If you feel pulled, if you feel joy, if you feel pleasure, if you feel curiosity, if you feel tingling sensations in your body while you talk about it then you will know.

Something inside of you is awakening and it is real.

I hope that you find something in my story that helps you own your way too.

Click here to join Sarah’s free Unhinged Workshop on May 23

All my love,

Gretchen (and the Goddess)

PS. If you’d like to hear more of this story, you can find Incredibly Wanted on Spotify and
Apple Podcasts. You can also find Gretchen on Instagram at @ms.gretchenhill.

PPS. Kelly and I had the honor of working with Gretchen in our intimate ceremonial mastermind The Council this year, and this podcast project was birthed after 4 days of deep ceremonial work. We got to know Gretchen at a Soul level intimately – what an honor. During one of our drop-ins around the Unhinged transmissions, the word “Unapologetic” came into our awareness and we knew, we KNEW, that Gretchen was meant to write it. We filled her in on the scribing plan, asked her if she wanted to give it a shot, and this masterpiece is what came through.

Many of you are now scribing (you’re telling us all about it in the inbox) and you’re accessing truth and magic and divine messages. If through the portal of this project something comes through you that you think may be meant for the entire community, please send it to us. We cannot commit or promise that all messages will be shared widely, but we are clear that there are some of you out there who are meant to be channels for the call to our collective unhinging. We are here to witness you.

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If you missed our messages in this series you can read them here: